I feel incredibly guilty writing this post, but I feel I need to write it. When I began my blog, I intended to remain unfiltered about my emotions and anxiety, no matter how difficult to talk about. So, I feel I must write this post.
I hate pregnancy. There has not been any part of it that has agreed with me, and I am really struggling with it today. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, because I thought it was such a magical experience. I knew that morning sickness would happened, but I didn’t think it would last so long for me. I hadn’t expected constantly feeling sick. I didn’t expect hating food and no longer enjoying eating. I can only have a few bites of something, and normally that involves gagging it down. I didn’t expect the mere idea or thought of food to cause my stomach to tie up in knots. I also didn’t expect to dread going to parties or hanging out with my friends because it always involves food.
I feel so tired of being sick. I desperately want to enjoy being pregnant and watching my belly grow with my darling child inside of me.
Please don’t think that I don’t love my child, and that I am truly grateful beyond measure to be blessed with fertility. I have experienced a previous miscarriage so I understand the miracle that occurred inside of me. I know that once I see my baby girl all this sickness will be just a memory.
But what I’m struggling with is trying to get to that point. My mind feels so conflicted with defeat from the sickness, but I don’t want to be consumed by it because I desperately want to enjoy this experience.
I know that my anxiety disorder makes this harder because I find myself ruminating about getting sick, and that does not help me feel better. I am working to combat these thoughts, but I feel so drained.
I feel so alone and defeated today. I wish that my body responded well to the pregnancy and I could just breeze through the next four months. However No matter how hard it gets, I know that God is with me. I may not feel like it sometimes, but I know he is there. I am going to need to work extra hard to trust Him and allow Him to do His work.
Thank you for listening to me vent. ❤️