Rough Day All Around

I feel incredibly guilty writing this post, but I feel I need to write it. When I began my blog, I intended to remain unfiltered about my emotions and anxiety, no matter how difficult to talk about. So, I feel I must write this post. 

I hate pregnancy. There has not been any part of it that has agreed with me, and I am really struggling with it today. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, because I thought it was such a magical experience. I knew that morning sickness would happened, but I didn’t think it would last so long for me. I hadn’t expected constantly feeling sick. I didn’t expect hating food and no longer enjoying eating. I can only have a few bites of something, and normally that involves gagging it down. I didn’t expect the mere idea or thought of food to cause my stomach to tie up in knots. I also didn’t expect to dread going to parties or hanging out with my friends because it always involves food. 

I feel so tired of being sick. I desperately want to enjoy being pregnant and watching my belly grow with my darling child inside of me. 

Please don’t think that I don’t love my child, and that I am truly grateful beyond measure to be blessed with fertility. I have experienced a previous miscarriage so I understand the miracle that occurred inside of me. I know that once I see my baby girl all this sickness  will be just a memory.

 But what I’m struggling with is trying to get to that point. My mind feels so conflicted with defeat from the sickness, but I don’t want to be consumed by it because I desperately want to enjoy this experience. 

I know that my anxiety disorder makes this harder because I find myself ruminating about getting sick, and that does not help me feel better. I am working to combat these thoughts, but I feel so drained. 

I feel so alone and defeated today. I wish that my body responded well to the pregnancy and I could just breeze through the next four months.  However No matter how hard it gets, I know that God is with me. I may not feel like it sometimes, but I know he is there. I am going to need to work extra hard to trust Him and allow Him to do His work. 

Thank you for listening to me vent. ❤️

Oh, pregnancy! You’re embarrassing! 

Well I am halfway through! I have hit the 20 week mark! I still am having “morning sickness” aka all day sickness, which I was hoping would be gone by now. I have not been as nauseous as I was in the first trimester, but I still throw up a few times a week. 

I have decided that instead of being overly self conscious or embarrassed about my changing body, I have decided to embrace it, and laugh at it! From peeing when I laugh/sneeze/cough, to having room-clearing gas, I am been trying to see the bright side of it. At first, I really struggled with my body, but now I just realize it’s part of the journey! 

What are some of your most embarrassing pregnancy moment? 

Today, Anxiety did not win! 

As I posted yesterday, I have had ruminations and reoccurring thoughts about getting sick in public A LOT since I have gotten pregnant. To summarize yesterday’s post, these thoughts have slowly taken over my thought patterns and have been keeping me from doing much outside of work or home. 

So today, my husband and I went to Las Vegas (about an hour from our home) to pick up my brother at the airport. Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of my thought energy on being nervous about the trip due to my frequent “morning” sickness. I didn’t want to get sick while on the road, or when I was trying to walk around the city. However, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time in prayer working to renew my mind, break down these thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I no longer want to be controlled by my anxiety.

I am happy to report that I did not have any anxiety today on our trip! I am beyond thrilled and I am I immensely proud of myself for getting outside my pregnancy comfort zone! I had an amazing day! 

A New Anxiety

Since I have been pregnant, I have not experienced any of my normal anxiety symptoms. However, upon deeper self reflection, and some conversations with family, I have realized that my anxiety has shifted into constant thoughts of vomiting.

Let me say here that before I got pregnant, I always had an extreme hatred of throwing up. I had a slight anxiety of getting sick in public, although I’m not sure why, because it has never happened.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and I have been throwing up A LOT! Morning sickness does not just occur during the morning. As a result of this sickness, I have begun to have ruminations about getting sick in public or when out to eat, since I have gotten sick several times while eating at home. I have noticed that I spend A LOT of my day thinking and fearing getting sick outside of my home. I have several trips over the next few weeks (vacation and work trainings) and for the last several weeks I have been stressed out about them. I am afraid to drive in the car, eat at a restaurant, stay in a hotel, and the list goes on. These constant thoughts cycle around in my head any time I have a quiet moment.

God brought to my attention that these constant ruminations were stealing my peace and joy. I have been avoiding socializing or traveling because of the fear of getting/feeling sick. I have desperately wanted to enjoy being pregnant but these thoughts have been getting in my way.

So, today I decided that I am going to renew my mind. I spent a lot of the morning in prayer and began to combat the thoughts that have been taking over. Every time I had a thought about feeling or getting sick, I would say “No, I am fine” or “So what, there is a trashcan over there”. I kept saying positive things to myself instead of negative. I am beginning to feel my mind lighten slightly and the idea of travel doesn’t seem so scary.

With my anxiety, in the past, I have been in a place where I didn’t want to leave the house, and I promised myself I would never get there again. I will not allow these thoughts to control me, or take away the joy of this pregnancy any longer. God has given me this child, and yes I may be getting sick at times, but I will no longer allow that to keep me from experiencing peace. I am taking back control of my mind.

Pregnancy Update

WOW! It has been a really long time since I have posted anything on here! I am currently 19 weeks, and things are going well with my pregnancy, the baby is developing well and is very healthy. I am finally starting to feel her kick more! It is crazy to feel that, and incredibly exciting. I am still fighting morning sickness, which sucks, but I am still pushing forward. Things are better than they were in the beginning, so I am trying to stay positive.

There are still moments where it still seems unbelievable that I am pregnant, and the excitement still feels fresh! I cannot wait until I can finally meet by baby girl.

It’s a girl!

It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress, and I have missed you all! I wanted to let you all know that my pregnancy has been progressing along very well (even though I still have morning sickness) and yesterday we found out that WE ARE HAVING A GIRL! 

This slightly terrifies me because girls (as I know from my own childhood) are complicated and emotional! I hope I’m up for it! Even though I am nervous about having a girl, I am so looking forward to it!! 

Here she is!! 

Raging Hormones with a touch of Anxiety

My hormones have been raging out of control today and they have been sprinkled with a touch of anxiety. I have had a lot of anxiety about becoming a mom. I haven’t had much anxiety since I got pregnant, and this has all seem to hit me all of a sudden. I’m not upset that I am pregnant but I am starting to freak out about what it is going to be like when the little bundle gets here. A part of me wants to hid under the covers and just cry for the rest of the day, and the other part of me wants March 1st (the due date) to hurry up and get there! What the heck!

I was already emotional, but this is intense!

What did you guys do when your hormones started to get the best of you?



Happiest Moment!

We had our second ultrasound this morning to check and see our baby is growing and progressing. It was incredible to see how big it has gotten! The entire ultrasound the baby was wiggling, jumping around, kicking, sucking it’s thumb and even yawning! It was incredible! I could hardly believe what I was seeing! I didn’t think it would move around so much. The tech was laughing and saying that I was not going to sleep later in a few months lol! I am so happy! 

Check out my little one ❤️

Shine Bright

My goal today is to be a beacon of positivity to all those around me. I do not want to add negativity to an already negative world. I want to be the bright light in a dark room. 

I think it is vitally important that we strive to bring happiness to those around us, even if it is just a smile. 

Today, challenge yourself to bring positivity to those you meet. 

Puking because of what you see?

This seems to be my problem since I got pregnant. Yesterday I saw someone blow a snot rocket and I have thrown up three time since seeing it. I already have obsessive thoughts due to my anxiety disorder, but they have been under control for awhile now. However, ever since yesterday this moment keeps playing in my mind over and over and it won’t stop. Unfortunately, now that I’m pregnant I throw up all the time. So I am stuck in this never ending cycle of snot rockets and vomit.

Earlier in my pregnancy I threw up because my sink looked really gross and I’m not sure if I am the only one who throws up because of things I see. It is really bizzare. Smells don’t bother me very much but sight does. 

Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any advice how to get out of my endless mental cycle today? 

Thank you for letting me vent. It has been a rough 24 hours.