Waiting to Leave

My baby girl is doing an incredible job in the NICU! The only hurdle she has to conquer before we go home is eating on her own. Slowly but surly she is getting there. I am so proud of her. 

However, I have to admit that I have some anxiety about this process. We have been in the NICU, 3 hours away from home, for 34 days and I desperately want to go home. Inside I feel so much anxiety and pressure for her to be able to eat. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know she is still learning and it’s hard for her, but a part of me just wants her to hurry up and do it so I can take her home. 

Right now we are using a bottle to feed her since she is so small. It’s easier to tell how much she drank compared to breast feeding. However I feel anxious that I am not breastfeeding too. It is something I want to do but she found it more difficult that using the bottle. There are just so many emotions with this part of our NICU journey! I am feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. 

However, I know God is in control and His plan is perfect. We are here in the NICU for a reason. He has brought our baby girl so far and he will continue to do so. I just need to remember that. ❤

How am I a Mom?!

My Heart is So Full

My daughter is beautiful

I am now a MOM!!

 

I am still blown away by the fact that I am a mom now. It is such an incredible feeling too look at that beautiful baby girl and know that she is the creation of me and my husband. She has been so strong, and is such a fighter. She has been on in the NICU for 29 days today, and is getting closer to going home!

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Missing my baby…

Being a NICU mom is incredibly challenging. It is day 26 for Eisley in the NICU, she is doing great, but as I wake up at 2 am to pump, I wish she was here with me instead of at the hospital. I wish that I was breastfeeding here and comforting her in the middle of the night instead of setting an alarm to pump into bottles for her NICU stockpile. I wish I could hold her and snuggle her right now and not have to wait until my 20 minute car ride later today. 

I know that God has a plan for all of this, and I trust Him completely. He knows that my heart yearns for my baby girl to be near me, and he understands the ache. Even though this journey is unbelievably difficult, I know He is here with me every step of the way, holding me up and giving me strength. 

Going well!

If you were able to read my last post, on Dec 23 my baby girl – Eisley – arrived 10 weeks early. She has been doing really well. She is breathing on her own for the last few weeks, has been putting on weight and then yesterday she had the temperature in her incubator bed. We were able to put clothes on for the first time, and it was such an exciting moment. She wasn’t overly excited about wearing clothes, but once she was snuggled in, she settled down.

Life in the NICU is always on the edge of uncertainty. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that things are going to go back down again. I appreciate the nurses being so open and willing to answer questions that we have. That really helps with the anxiety that constantly hovers around the NICU.

What helps me the most is relying on God. I have been learning that there is nothing that I can control. Prayer is what brings me comfort. I trust that God has a plan is strengthening me as a woman and a mother as he continues to help my baby girl grow and develop.

My baby girl is so strong and she is my hero! I love holding her in my arms and listening to her little coos. I love her with all of my heart.

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My Baby is Here

Well, I have been absent for awhile now, but a lot has gone down over the past few weeks! On December 19 I was care-flighted to Phoenix, AZ after I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. Then on December 23, at 5:37 pm, after 26 hours of labor, I was given an emergency c-section after the baby’s heart rate dropped. She was 10 weeks early, gestational only 30 weeks, but is doing incredible! Since her birth she is breathing on her own, no longer has an IV, and has been able to tolerate her food! She is perfect and strong! Her name is Eisley Ann!

I am still a little shell shocked about everything, because it came so quickly, but my heart is so full of joy and love. I truly never knew I could love someone so much.

 

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I can workout again!

Up until now, I have had a difficult time working out while pregnant because I would frequently get sick afterwards. However, now that I have switched medications, I am able to work out again! I have done yoga two nights in a row, without getting sick! YAY!! I am finally starting to feel normal again!! 

Finally! Feeling better!

After many months of being “intestinally” sick during my pregnancy, I am starting to recover. It turns out many of the problems were stemming from my anxiety medication. Ever since I switched meds, my stomach, and bowels, have been happy! It’s hard to believe such a simple change would make such a difference. I hate that I have to rely on medication to help with my anxiety during this pregnancy, but after much prayer and consultation, we decided that it is best for me to continue taking them. I truly believe that if my panic attacks came back, it would be harmful to my little girl. I have to make sure I am well so I can keep her safe and healthy. 

I am also finally seeing joy in this pregnancy! She is 26 weeks now and each day her kicks get stronger and stronger. It’s a pretty bizzare feeling, actually, to have a little human beating (with love) my insides, but I love it! I actually only got a few hours of sleep last night because she was up the whole time playing the bongos on my bladder! It was hard to stay mad, even if I was exhausted at work today. 

I am still a bit nervous about delivery, but not as much as I use to be. I had a lot of anxiety and panic about it in the past, but now I am starting to see it as an exciting nervousness. You know what I mean? I’m not at all looking forward to the pain of the contractions, but I can’t wait to finally hold her in my arms! 

It’s starting to get real!! ❤️

Pregnancy TMI Help

Ok, this is going to be some serious TMI, but I need some advice and help! Desperately! For the last several weeks I have been having episodes of super loose stool and diarrhea. It doesn’t last all day, but it is mostly after dinner. It is really uncomfortable and even makes me nauseous. My dr told me that it is due to my anxiety, and we have upped my medication a little bit and it has helped. However, it still lingers around several times a week.

Have any of you experienced this? And if you have, how did you deal with it?

Rough Day All Around

I feel incredibly guilty writing this post, but I feel I need to write it. When I began my blog, I intended to remain unfiltered about my emotions and anxiety, no matter how difficult to talk about. So, I feel I must write this post. 

I hate pregnancy. There has not been any part of it that has agreed with me, and I am really struggling with it today. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, because I thought it was such a magical experience. I knew that morning sickness would happened, but I didn’t think it would last so long for me. I hadn’t expected constantly feeling sick. I didn’t expect hating food and no longer enjoying eating. I can only have a few bites of something, and normally that involves gagging it down. I didn’t expect the mere idea or thought of food to cause my stomach to tie up in knots. I also didn’t expect to dread going to parties or hanging out with my friends because it always involves food. 

I feel so tired of being sick. I desperately want to enjoy being pregnant and watching my belly grow with my darling child inside of me. 

Please don’t think that I don’t love my child, and that I am truly grateful beyond measure to be blessed with fertility. I have experienced a previous miscarriage so I understand the miracle that occurred inside of me. I know that once I see my baby girl all this sickness  will be just a memory.

 But what I’m struggling with is trying to get to that point. My mind feels so conflicted with defeat from the sickness, but I don’t want to be consumed by it because I desperately want to enjoy this experience. 

I know that my anxiety disorder makes this harder because I find myself ruminating about getting sick, and that does not help me feel better. I am working to combat these thoughts, but I feel so drained. 

I feel so alone and defeated today. I wish that my body responded well to the pregnancy and I could just breeze through the next four months.  However No matter how hard it gets, I know that God is with me. I may not feel like it sometimes, but I know he is there. I am going to need to work extra hard to trust Him and allow Him to do His work. 

Thank you for listening to me vent. ❤️