Nap time!

It’s the special time of day

That makes you feel tingly in a way.

It’s the time when everything is still

And there is a break from screams that are so shrill!

It’s the long awaited nap time

Where I can relax and feel sublime!

I love my daughter, so don’t you worry

But she is asleep now, so I better scurry!

Finding Myself Today!

Yesterday I was really struggling with the idea that I can no longer experience carefree moments or spontaneous adventures. Well, today instead of wallowing in”poor me”, I decided to be proactive! I took my daughter and husband outside and we all played in the sprinklers! It felt so great to run around in the water and laugh hysterically!

Sometimes in the rush of responsibility and parenthood I forget to find the joy in the everyday. My daughter’s laugh and her enormous smile when in tickle her! My husband’s lips on mine as he says good morning. These moments are perfect.

I need to make sure I don’t take them for granted.

Here is the smile that lights my heart on fire!

Loosing A Part of Myself?

Recently, I have been chasing away a feeling of dread that been creeping, like a shadow, in the back of my mind. My summer is rapidly coming to an end, and for me that means returning to work. Now, before you make any rash judgements about teachers and summer breaks, first understand that my reluctance to go back to work has never been this profound. I love my job, and I normally (deep down) look forward to going back. I love building relationships with my new students, creating new and engaging lessons, and setting up my room to be as inviting as possible. However, this year, I am not feeling the same level of excitement.

As I have been self reflecting, and working to find what has been causing the shift in attitude, I have discovered two things:

First, I have loved spending every waking moment with my beautiful 18 month old daughter. She is the most incredible human being I have ever known! She has become so animated and her personality has really developed over the past few months. Last summer she was still really tiny, and wasn’t as active. Now, we play and go on adventures, and laugh together all day, and it breaks my heart that I will have to leave her to go back to work. A part of me wishes I was a stay at home mom and I could continue our adventures together. That is not possible for our situation, but it is still something I wish I could do. At least until she goes to school.

The second reason seems to be a little more complex and subconscious. It has been floating around in my mind, but every time I think I have a grasp on it, it disappears. So, I have been struggling to identify it. However, tonight I was laying under the star-filled sky, listening to the sounds of the night, when I found myself relishing in nostalgia. Growing up, I spent so many nights outside. Those summer nights as a young woman allowed for endless opportunities of unexperienced adventure. Those times in my life were reckless and wild. The summer meant I could do anything or go anywhere. I felt free and audacious.

Now, this is going to sound awful, but it seems to be my subconscious truth. I feel that I am experiencing a sort of grieving for the way my summers use to be. Now that I am a mother, I cannot be reckless or wild. The whims that I use to follow before are now something I have to suppress, because my daughter is my number one priority. Obviously, I cannot take her skydiving, or anything else crazy. I’m not sure what to make of this feeling, but I feel like I want to be honest with myself and admit I have been feeling this way. I do miss being able to be spontaneous.

I also believe that I have been experiencing dread about going back to work because now that summer is almost over, the possibility (no matter how small) of being able to do something spontaneous, and a little reckless, is getting smaller. I know once I get back into the same old routine, there won’t be time, or energy, to have these possible adventures. The daily grind and immense stress of my job will slowly once again begin to crush me down. My wanderlust and appetite for spontaneity will be gone! That thought alone gives me so much anxiety. I love the way summer allows me to reconnect with family as well as myself. I feel like a human again.

I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense…

I feel like I am loosing that spur of the moment, leap before I think, part of my life. I know, and fully understand and accept, that it comes along with being a parent. I signed up for it. I wanted, and continue to want, to be a mother. I wouldn’t change anything. And I regret nothing. I just deeply miss being spontaneous. My heart just longs to feel, just for a moment, the thrill of the unexpected rush of passion! The excitement of letting go of responsibly and loosing myself in the moment. I want dance in the middle of the desert under the stars. skinny dip in the river. Cruise in the car, windows down with the radio blaring, and no place special to go. Just for a moment. Feel that inexplicable feeling of being completely and utterly uninhibited.

These feelings have been swelling up inside of my mind, and it feels good being able to get them out. I never knew that becoming a mom would come with so many different emotions, and force to me analyze my patterns of thought and grow into a better woman. I know these thoughts must be natural, but they have surprised me.

Thank you for letting me vent. I truly appreciate you guys for allowing to me to express myself so openly. It means a lot!

When Anxiety is in the Room

It steals away moments of happiness

And replaces it with gloom.

The sunshine seems so much darker

When anxiety is in the room.

We cannot let it control

And fill our hearts with doom.

We must preserve

Until joy starts to bloom.

Attention Writers and Dreams! I have a question

One of the biggest dreams in life is to write a novel. I always have so many ideas, but they seem to be equally partnered with just as many excuses. I start writing, and then I get writer’s block, and eventually give up on the idea out of pure frustration.

I feel frustrated with myself because if I had kept going through the struggle, I could have a decent manuscript by now. That thought alone is infuriating and it keeps me up at night.

Now that I have a child, it seems even more difficult to work on my writing. I hardly have time to myself, let alone time to dedicate to writing.

Have any of you had a similar problem? And if you have, how have you been able to handle it?

Sleepless…

I am so tired I cannot sleep… I am literally lying here staring at the ceiling and listening to the ragged snores of my husband. I love him deeply, but with my jealously and annoyance (towards the snoring) he may just get hit with a pillow!

I’m not sure why my brain has suddenly forgotten how to fall asleep, but I find it incredibly inconvenient and annoying!

I long to drift off to another world, and restore my body through blissful sleep, but it appears that I will be listening to the “sawing of logs” all night. 😑

Final Days

We have reached the last full day of our road trip. It is bittersweet, because I am READY to be in my own bed, but I love all the memories we have been making and adventures we have been having! Once we get back home, we want to make sure we find adventure in our everyday life! Foster the love of nature in our daughter, continue to bond together as a family, and laugh much more often!

Today, We took another trip to Zion National Park to see the Emerald Pools! We were at the bottom of a canyon type area and the water spilled over the edge of the cliff down on us. It was incredibly beautiful.

I love being in the middle of creation and realizing that I am apart of something bigger. After going to see the Rocky Mountain National Park and Zion National Park, my husband and I have made a goal to visit all the national parks in the country! We have been to a few others, but we want to make that our Bucket List!

Whoohooo!

Onward!

We have reached Utah on our family road trip! It has been such an amazing bonding experience for all of us over the last week and a half! Today, we hiked along the Virgin River leading to the Narrows at Zion National Park! My daughter had her little feet in the river and was able to slash around! It was adorable to watch her enjoy the beauty of nature around her! My husband and I are hoping to encourage her to continue her love of nature as she grows up!

Oh! And I had ZERO anxiety today! WONDERFUL!