I love my Blogging Friends!

Seriously! You are all incredible! I have been reading through your comments and you all have made me feel so loved and supported! You have made me no longer feel like a bad person for not being positive and I truly appreciate you all letting me be honest with my struggles. Life with an anxiety disorder is never easy and with so many life changes right now it starts to feel overwhelming. However, you have all reminded me that it is ok to be weak and allow others to be strong for me! ❤️ 

Tomorrow we pack up our home and move into our “rental”. In case you missed the info yesterday, the house we have a bid on is locked up with the IRS so since we sold our house and we’re going to be homeless, the relator was able to convince the seller to let us lease the home, for free, for the next six months. During that time we will either find a new house, or the lien will be removed. 

So moving into the house is incredibly bittersweet, since it isn’t our home yet, if ever, but we are already in love with it. UGH! I am trying to keep the mindset that it is only temporary but it will be hard not to get attached just yet. However! I am going to try and stay positive and count my blessings because it is incredible that we get to stay there rent free! 

Thank you again for all your love and support over this last month and a half. I truly adore you all! 

I am apologize that my posts have not been as positive as they have been in the past, but I am really going through a difficult time in my life. I had been doing a good job emotionally healing from the miscarriage, but with Mother’s Day coming up, I am slipping back into a negative mindset. I truly wish my little one was still here, in my tummy, to celebrate the day.

Also, I have mentioned it briefly, but my husband and I are in the middle of a move and it has been incredibly stressful. The reason behind this stress is that we found out two weeks ago that there is a 1.1 MILLION dollar lien on the house. So we have been trying to figure out what to do, and we have to move out of our home by Friday (we sold it before we knew this house had a lien). The relators have been incredible and they worked a deal with the seller of the home to let us stay there rent free for 6 months while we figured it all out. So either the IRS releases the lien or we are going to just use the house as a rental as we look for another one. 

Finally, this weekend my mother-in-law decided to flip out on my husband and I about moving to a house that is “too far away”. The house is 15 minutes away from her own home, and it was all incredibly bizzare. I will say, that she does have a pretty severe mental illness so not all of her thoughts are rational, and I understand that peice, but she was incredibly hurtful. She told me that she thinks that I don’t like her, I think she is dumb, and she even told my husband that she wasted her time raising him because he doesn’t like her. It was so out of the blue that I don’t even know what to think about it. I have spent years working on our relationship and making sure she is happy. It was incredibly hurtful.this stress is just compounding and making all of this worse. 

So with my anxiety all of these unknowns it has been difficult but I am working to remain positive and keep my trust in God. Thank you for letting me vent! 

In the Storm

If I am being honest, I am really struggling with things in my life right now. To fill you in on what is going on, when my husband and I first found out we were pregnant, we wanted to move forward with selling our house. We have been looking for awhile, but the pregnancy propelled us forward into putting the conversation into action. We were able to sell our house before it went on the market, and put a bid on another home (that we loved) all within a week. It was incredible, and it was one of the most exciting weeks of our lives.

However, two weeks later, we had our miscarriage. Shortly after that everything with the house we were buying began to fall apart. It turns out that there are three liens against the house, one of them being over 1 million dollars to the IRS. We were shocked and frustrated with this development because we didn’t see it coming. I’m not sure of all the logistics behind it, but the relators were taken by surprise as well. It has been incredibly frustrating and stressful.

Weeks have now gone by and things have gone from bad to worse. We have to move out of our home, either this weekend or early next week, and at this point we don’t have anywhere to go. We have looked at nearly 15 different homes and are struggling on what to do next. Where do we stay? What do we do with our stuff? How can this be fixed? There are so many unknowns and it is a nightmare.

I am beyond disgusted with this entire process and it is far from over. I just want to move on and be past all of this. The most painful part about the entire thing is that we were wanting to get a bigger home in a nice neighborhood for the baby we were having. Now the baby is gone… and so is the house…and we are left homeless.

I am trying so hard to stay positive in the face of all this adversity, but I am really struggling right now. I know God has a plan, but I have to admit that is incredibly difficult to have strong faith in the mist of the storm. I feel that my storm is raging right now and I can only see a faint glimmer of hope in the far distance. I am focusing all my energy on that small light, but I feel like I keep tripping on my way there. I am going to continue to continue to go towards that ray of hope, but it is going to be hard.

Trying to stay the course…

As you know, just about a month ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. It has been a very turbulent month, emotionally and physically, for the both of us. I have been wrestling with my Faith in trying to understand why all this happened. I am learning that I am not going to figure out why this is all happening. I just need to continue to trust in spite of my lack of understanding.

I have had a difficult time dealing with all the emotions, because grief is not something I have dealt with very much. Anxiety is what I know, and I know how to control it. Sadness is quite different. I know that I have to just cry when I feel like it and learn to express my anger appropriately. I have started working out more and eating healthy. I want to take this time to heal my body internally and externally.

Each day is a journey and I am going to continue staying positive and trusting that everything will someday work out.

Ashamed to Admit

My sister in-law is around 20 weeks pregnant and has just found out the gender of her baby , and I am ashamed to admit that I am devastated. When she sent me the picture of the ultrasound, I truly felt my heart sink into my stomach. Even now, nearly three hours later, I will feel an uncomfortable tightness in my chest pushing hard against my heart. When I saw the photos, the feelings of my miscarriage felt fresh and deep.

These feelings completely took me off guard. I knew it was going to be hard to watch her belly grow while mine stayed stagnant, but I didn’t think it would be so incredibly heartbreaking. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I am angry that she gets to be happy and blissful with her pregnancy and I had to be tainted by the loss of my first child. It seems unfair. I feel like I am falling apart all over again…

I am keeping my eyes on God and letting Him carry my pain.

Reflecting

I have been reflecting on the last few weeks and all that we have been through with the miscarriage. After looking back, I have realized that I had not dealt with my grief in a healthy manner and it was manifesting itself as anger. I was exploding at everything. No matter how small. The target of most of my rants was my husband because he is the one closest to me. He withstood all of my anger until this weekend. He confronted me and let me know that I had not been dealing with my own pain and I that I needed to face it. He held me in his arms and as soon as I was in his embrace, I let it out. I just cried for over an hour, until I fell asleep with my head in his lap.

After my mini-meltdown I am feeling noticeably different. I still feel the ache of my missing child, but it doesn’t feel as sharp. I am able to talk about what happened instead of pretending I was never pregnant. I also have noticed that I am able to enjoy the day now. Before, my mind was stuck on an endless loop of disappear, but I can now see past that.

This entire situation has been incredibly challenging in all areas in my life, but if I can find any good from it, I would have to say that it has strengthened my marriage. From the moment we heard that we were suffering a miscarriage, we clung to each other. He encouraged me, let me cry, and loved me unconditionally. I know, for a fact, that if I did not have my husband, I would not be able to move on. I am so blessed.

 

An Honest Struggle

Today marks one week since our miscarriage began. I began noticing some warning signs last Thursday and over the next few days the inevitable occurred. It feels like another world when we were pregnant and excited about planning nurseries, names and family friend vacations. I admit that my heart breaks when I see children, and that makes my day incredibly challenging because I am a teacher. I try to loose myself in my daily tasks, and take extra care to love on my students a little more than usual, but I am finding that my mind continues to hold onto the memories of the last few days.

The pain does not feel as sharp and vivid, but it is still present. Whenever the world around me is quiet, my thoughts slip into the “what if” game. I wonder what it would be like to be further along in my pregnancy. Would I have morning sickness? What would it feel like? These ideas often lead me to a place of dark negativity.

I am trying very hard to remain positive, but today that has been difficult. I am just feeling sad and a little hopeless, to be honest. I feel like I am never going to have a child, and my desire to be a mother will go unsatisfied. I know, in my heart, that God does not give us desires the He will not fulfill, but today is just hard.

Again, thank you for all the love and support you have poured on me over the last few days. I truly appreciate it.

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