Just a week or so ago, I wrote a post about discovering self acceptance with my ADHD and anxiety. I believe it would have good for me to go back and reread my own writing and take my own advice. I was furious with myself on Sunday because of my inattentiveness I tend to overlook small details, such as booking the correct dates on Expedia for a family vacation. My husband and I have not been on many vacations since he has been working on his Masters degree, and we have finally found a weekend that we could get away and not worry about work or a homework assignment that needed to be completed. However, I did not double check the dates before I purchased our hotel room and ended up booking the wrong dates! Of course we had purchased the non-refundable package! I was so angry and frustrated with myself that I was beyond words and spent most of the evening pouting about how horrible it is to be me. However, we did some calling around and were able to switch the dates, with no extra cost, so I am eternally grateful to Expedia. I ended up wasting a perfectly beautiful evening because of my tantrum and pity party. What a waste of energy.
I know this was really not a big deal looking back, but in the moment I was devastated. In the moment, I wished I didn’t have ADHD and that I could just be able to concentrate long enough to book a hotel room. Once I was able to figure out a plan to resolve the issue, and it was put into action, I felt much better about myself and was able to get back to a place where I loved my attention deficit again. I really have to learn to be more gracious with myself and remember I am not perfect. I will slip up, and there will be times where I mess up something. Guess What? It’s ok! The world didn’t end, and I will have gained a new understanding of how I operate as a woman.
Accepting my anxiety is also an everyday process. Just this morning I was upset by the fact that I am not yet strong enough to be independent from the daily dose of my medication. I hate that I rely on a little white pill to be balanced and un-anxious through the course of my day. I wish I could brush off anxiety and stress on my own, like everyone else. I desire nothing more than being able to move on after confrontation without another thought about it. However, that is not how it works for me. I cannot will my anxiety away. I cannot will the chemicals in my brain to suddenly correctly themselves. This is who I am and this is the way my God and Creator made me. I must remind myself in my low moments that my anxiety is grooming me for a greater plan. Something that I know nothing about, and may never know about, but there is a reason I have been chosen to carry this disorder, beyond just family genetics. I may be aggravated that this is a burden I must carry, but I CANNOT let it weigh me down. I must find the good and use it to drive away the darkness.
We all have parts of ourselves that we wish we no longer had, but remember that there is nothing about you that is wasteful. Everything about you is perfect! Everything. You are perfect and wonderful just as you are.