Nothing is ever wasted

In the years prior to my knowledge of my anxious affliction (college and before) I had several periods of darkness. If you have never experienced anxiety, there is a point where the anxious feelings have become so consuming that there is literally nothing else you can think about. Your mind is trapped in an endless cycle of fear and panic. Even if you are out with friends, or doing something you love, you are numb to all good feelings. It’s a hard thing to explain, but that’s my best shot.

Now, I have had 2 major episodes with the anxiety darkness. The first incident lasted for almost three consecutive years. I had no idea what was happening to me, I just knew I didn’t feel right. I retreated from my friends and family and packed on the pounds. After I realized the cycle of anxiety was not normal, I briefly took some medication and went to counseling. To this day, I struggle with looking at photographs from my last two years of college without triggering my anxiety. Currently, I am working on facing these emotions head on, but I will get to that in a moment.

The second episode was last year (six years later). My anxiety manifested itself in the form of panic attacks, which were new, and I had no clue what was going on. It was utterly terrifying. This episode only lasted 6 months instead of 3 years. I am now taking medication again and I have been feeling back to myself! Yay!

Now, looking back on these times, especially my college experience, I feel like I wasted a lot of my life. Years actually. I had so many amazing opportunities that I missed out on because I was anxious. It hurts to think about all the things I could have done instead of shutting myself off from everyone, and I feel the physical ache in my stomach.

However, I am learning that NOTHING that you go through in life is a waste! NOTHING! These difficult times that I have experienced in my life has now helped me become an outspoken advocate for mental health awareness. I am able to share my story with my co-workers and students and help them in their own journeys. I am working hard to take these negative feelings about my past and mold them into positive ones!

Remember, there is nothing in your life that is wasted. All the experiences you have been through have made you who you are and God has a plan for you. Don’t give up hope

10 thoughts on “Nothing is ever wasted

  1. I often ask my self what I would have been had I had a ‘normal” childhood and I tic off the income I might have earned, academic accomplishments, a beautiful wife or lover, and the beautiful children I might have fathered. But the man who does those things isn’t me.

    He doesn’t have the depth of mind or the compassion.

    The oddest truisms turn out to be true.

    Pain deepens us and when we search past it we see that other people
    are also in pain. How can we not be better people for learning how to see past our own pain.

    I pray that my pain has made me a better person and that the time was well spent.

    I pray the same for you as well…:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxiety is an awful beast! Mine is social anxiety, I would have to say. I was once UBER stressed and running last second errands. I called my hubby and told him that the store I was going to wasn’t open so I was going to go to Panera, have breakfast and then go. He reluctantly said, Ok. Odd?
    I went. Got my trendy breakfast and sat down. The world crumbled around me. By the time I got to the car I was talking myself off the ledge and trying to slow down my racing pulse. Once pulled together I called hubby back, in tears.
    He said, “I wasn’t sure you were going to be able to do that…but I didn’t want to set you off.”
    Note to self: you don’t do well in public places by yourself.
    Got it, thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Do you think medicine has helped you live a better, less anxious life? Those moments of anxiety/panic seem so real to me right now and have been this way for the past year. How you described it (with not being able to think about anything else) is completely accurate. It’s very overwhelming to try to tackle those thoughts with thought exercises alone when you don’t seem to have the willpower to overcome the anxious thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s 2019 when I’m writing this, and I cannot be happier reading this post. I too had (have?) episodes of severe anxiety attacks with underlying condition. 2-3 years ago, I wouldn’t have imagine that I would be able to feel alive again. It was so awful. I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience mental health issues, but hey it did teach me a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learnt otherwise 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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