Learning about yourself doesn’t have to be scary!

The other day I wrote a post about the power knowledge has on our healing process, and today I discovered I had to take my own advice. As many of you know, I  started this journey of healing at the end of June, and I have made immense strides in gaining back the power anxiety stole from me.

All those months ago, the doctor confirmed what I always suspected. I have an anxiety disorder. It came as no surprise to me because it is prevalent in my genealogy, and mental disorders tend to be hereditary. I have always known I had this type of disorder, because I have gone to counseling to help with anxiety when I graduated from college, but it was never diagnosed by a doctor.

Since the doctor I have now never 100% confirmed which type of anxiety I have (since he was a gynecologist), I have always speculated it was either GAD or panic disorder. I tend to be anxious a lot and have had panic attacks. However, the more I thought about it, and researched the disorders I felt that I did not wholly identify with GAD. I felt that there was something more that I was missing and I couldn’t quite figure out what.

Completely out of issues relating to my own struggles, I began to read about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Like many others, I had always assumed that OCD was a disorder characterized by excessive cleanliness and rituals. However, while I was reading about it today I happened to stumble upon the intrusive thought obsessions. Pow! It hit me like a ton of bricks (if you pardon my overused idiom). That was it. The missing piece of my anxiety. OCD-UK is an incredible site that lists the various forms of OCD that are not stereotypical of the disorder.

As I read through the signs and symptoms of the intrusive thoughts I felt as if I was reading a page out of my own diary. I felt as if someone was searching the deepest parts of my mind and writing them down without asking me for permission. I have to admit, I started to feel my chest tighten and the familiar feeling of anxiety creep over me. I think it was a knee-jerk reaction to confronting my obsessions in plain, black and white text. Never before had anything struck so close to my core as reading through some of these symptoms.

Since I have started this blog, I have never kept my struggles from you all, because I believe that transparency of these disorders is what will help eliminate the stereotypes we live with everyday. So, I will reveal some of the obessive thoughts I have had in the past.

The  biggest obsession has always about being pregnant. The strange thing about this obsession is that I did not have sex until I was 27 (I wanted to wait for marriage) and these thoughts started LONG before I began my sex life. I knew it was insane, but It kept cycling through my brain in repeat. Everyday. All day.

Another obsessive thought I have experienced is randomly punching someone while they were talking to me. It sounds slightly comical, and I have to admit, if I ever saw it happen in real life, it would be hilarious! However, it was awful because while people were talking to me I would just have the thought to hit them or flip the table over or some other weird aggressive action towards them. The strangest part about these thoughts is that I have NEVER been a violent person. I have never been in a fight, and I have a difficult time recovering from a stubbed toe, let alone a blown out hand from punching someone.

Also, I have had what they call “magical thinking”. I thought that if I talked about getting in a car crash, it would increase the likelihood of me getting into one. Or if I talked about an accident happening, it would be more likely to happen. I avoided talking about these topics because I thought that the mere mention of them would seal my fate. I always thought it was because I hated irony, but I see now that they are obsessive in nature. I remember during my first year of teaching we had a member of the police department come in and talk about what to do if a school shooting was to occur, and for the rest of the day I thought we were going to have one. There are many other obsessive thoughts that were listed, but these were my big three.

After reading and researching more, I do feel a little rattled by this learning, but I am happy to learn a little more about myself. In a few months I will be going to a more specialized dr. and I am going to bring up this area and see what I can learn from them. I want to continue to grow in my knowledge so that I can better myself in the future and finally take the reins on anxiety and be 100% in control! It will not win! I am strong and I can defeat it! 🙂

17 thoughts on “Learning about yourself doesn’t have to be scary!

  1. My OCD kicks in when under stress,I’ve also always had intrusive thoughts, which can turn obsessive, menopause doesn’t help this condition either!

    Glad you found this information I shall be looking at the site later, thanks for posting this, it just brings to light another aspect but also were not alone in dealing with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, this is really interesting. I get obsessed over things that give me anxiety…please don’t laugh…but I get anxiety about hanging out with one of my in-laws. It used to be that I would not sleep for three days before. I would be so angry, I would get cold sweats and all throughout the day, It would run in my mind about all the things I would say if she said something mean to me. I would be so miserable, I would cry. And I am not a violent person either, but punching her in the face in my mind would have made everything better. When marrying my husband, in dealing with her for the rest of my life was first on my cons list, thinking about it, it nay have been the only thing in it. It’s been 11 years and the anxiety about it stopped after my 4 year old was born. Because I took a different approach on the situation. There are other things I obsess about that I have no idea why. This is a real eye opener for me. I don’t think I am happy about it knowing that my whole family has some sort of anxiety/depression thing going, I have always tried my best to NOT have it, I don’t know if that makes sense, call it denial maybe. But I am grateful for your information. There is a lot of researching I need to do.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. From your post: “As I read through the signs and symptoms of the intrusive thoughts I felt as if I was reading a page out of my own diary. I felt as if someone was searching the deepest parts of my mind”

    I found out this past October that OCD was the final piece to figuring out my mental disorders. I have depression and anxiety. For almost 3 years this was all I knew and all I was getting treatment for. It was rough and I got so frustrated because nothing really seemed to work. While talking with a new counselor, she was able to see what was going on and soon after I started taking Luvox (helping!). Like your words I pasted, this was just my reaction when she told me and as I researched OCD. My whole life has changed and I am understanding my mind even more every day.

    Thanks for sharing your experience!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post. I know too much about this area of mental health and know it is rampant. I am glad you are going to a more specialized doctor now. I am so happy you are writing and keeping it real because it helps all others out there experiencing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Never knew this was a classified condition. Personally, I often give my self deadlines and when I don’t meet them I expect the worst to happen to me(all in my thought). Like a deadline to tying my shoe laces before I hear a sound otherwise I lose my dog or something…

    Liked by 1 person

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