Reflecting

I have been reflecting on the last few weeks and all that we have been through with the miscarriage. After looking back, I have realized that I had not dealt with my grief in a healthy manner and it was manifesting itself as anger. I was exploding at everything. No matter how small. The target of most of my rants was my husband because he is the one closest to me. He withstood all of my anger until this weekend. He confronted me and let me know that I had not been dealing with my own pain and I that I needed to face it. He held me in his arms and as soon as I was in his embrace, I let it out. I just cried for over an hour, until I fell asleep with my head in his lap.

After my mini-meltdown I am feeling noticeably different. I still feel the ache of my missing child, but it doesn’t feel as sharp. I am able to talk about what happened instead of pretending I was never pregnant. I also have noticed that I am able to enjoy the day now. Before, my mind was stuck on an endless loop of disappear, but I can now see past that.

This entire situation has been incredibly challenging in all areas in my life, but if I can find any good from it, I would have to say that it has strengthened my marriage. From the moment we heard that we were suffering a miscarriage, we clung to each other. He encouraged me, let me cry, and loved me unconditionally. I know, for a fact, that if I did not have my husband, I would not be able to move on. I am so blessed.