Today just felt like it was an endless struggle against my emotions. It wasn’t a bad day, exactly, it was just difficult emotionally. I didn’t feel my anxiety as I normally do (a tightness that radiates from my chest) but I felt myself ruminating and becoming overwhelmed.
Let me explain. Since March, I have been fighting an endless rounds of ear infections, clogged ears, fevers, coughs, body aches and shittiness (the best word I could come up with). Alone, these symptoms spaced out from each other, wouldn’t be horrible. I’m a teacher. I get a cold of the flu at least once a year. BUT the worst part about all of this is that as soon as one symptom goes away, another one pops up!! It’s awful!
I have just felt terrible for the last three months, and today I just felt like I had enough. I called the doctor and I can’t get an appointment with him until the end of the month. There were other doctors but they were first year residents, which I don’t normally mind, but I had been in three times since March, and I am still not much better… So I wanted to hold out for him. This of course made me anxious because I began to ruminate about how sick I felt. A constant loop in my head. Over and over about how my summer is being wasted because I’m sick. Endlessly sick…
I finally broke down and cried. I don’t cry often, and it did feel good to let out some of the tension. I also felt drained… and still do. I desperately wished I could just crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for hours. But I couldn’t. Being a mom doesn’t stop, and today she was very amped up!
So, I tried to focus my attention onto her, and made the most of the day. We had swim lessons, and when I say we I mean I actually take the class with her. Just hearing her laugh as we learned how to blow bubbles, made me start to feel better. After lessons we went to the store, and then came home and played outside.
There were times I felt myself drifting back to my anxious thoughts, but my daughter would pull me back out of them each time. I am so glad that instead of disappearing today, I stayed present with her. She helped me so much today.
OH! ANNNND my husband, knowing I was having a rough day, took my daughter out with him for about an hour right before dinner so I could have some time to myself! IT was amazing!
I thank God for my beautiful family who knows how to help me when I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I am also thankful that I have learned how to refocus and be able to push forward. I have not always been able to do that. It feels good to know that I have come so far! Yay for small victories!