Tackling a Goal – Fear of Failing

As the New Year approaches, it is inevitable to think about resolutions, or goals, we are going to set for ourselves for the next 365 days. Eat better. Loose weight. Work on cleaning the house more. I could work on all of these areas this year, but I want to focus on trying to fulfill one of my life long dreams: writing a novel. I have ALWAYS wanted to write a novel. I can remember being in early elementary school, and reading books, and thinking to myself that I would love to have a book of my own.

It seems that every time I come up with an idea, I get stuck somewhere along the way, and then I loose my motivation. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to fail, and by not ever completing a story, I can never fail. When I think about my own logic, it seems ridiculous. I have so many amazing stories in my mind, and I desperately want to share them with the world, and the first step to doing that is writing!

This year, I am focusing on writing! It’s time to put aside my fears and insecurities and start writing with abandon!

Do you have a goal you have always wanted to achieve but have been too afraid to do it? What are you working on this year?

Fighting back

I am fighting back at my anxiety. It can’t keep winning. My stress at work and with my friends has been very high, I can’t let it get any higher. Anxiety will not take anymore of my life. I have a daughter now, and she deserves 100% of her mom, and I will make that happen.

To combat the anxiety, I am going to post a bible verse each day for the rest of the month, to fill my mind and heart with God.

This reminds me that no matter what, God will be at my side. Even when it feels like he isn’t there, He is. He carries me when I am weak. What an amazing God we have!

You can do it!

No matter what it is that you are facing, remember that you can do it! No matter what other say or think, know that you can do it! 

Acceptance was the Key

After living with an anxiety disorder for 31 years I have found that acceptance was the best decision I ever made. I wasted so many years wishing I had any other affliction. Wishing I was someone else. Cursing myself for being the way I was. However, over the last two years I have stopped being so hard on myself and have finally learned that I am ok. My anxiety doesn’t define me. I am not just an anxiety sufferer. I am a woman with anxiety. I am a woman first. I am so many other things! A writer. Teacher. Wife. Learner. Adventurist. Artist. And so much more. I cannot define myself solely based on my disorder.

I have also learned that , I cannot wish it away. It is part of who I am, and like it or not, it has molded me into the woman that I am today. So, I have learned to accept it. I accept that my life will not always be easy. There will be days when I want to hide away from the world, or days when I don’t understand why I am afraid. I will be frustrated, angry and anxious. That is the hard truth. But on the other side, I will emerge stronger! My anxiety will no longer tear me down. It will build me up even taller. It is part of who I am, and I am finally able love all of me. 

In times of Chaos

In times of chaos

I look to you.

Though I don’t see the way,

I know you do. 
In times of chaos,

I look to you.

When earthly mind losses hope,

My spirit remains still remains true. 

In Memoriam

One month, to the day, I received the statue to honor our miscarriage. I am in love with it. ❤️ this has been one of the most challenging Months I have ever had, but I am finding healing. 



Trying to stay the course…

As you know, just about a month ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. It has been a very turbulent month, emotionally and physically, for the both of us. I have been wrestling with my Faith in trying to understand why all this happened. I am learning that I am not going to figure out why this is all happening. I just need to continue to trust in spite of my lack of understanding.

I have had a difficult time dealing with all the emotions, because grief is not something I have dealt with very much. Anxiety is what I know, and I know how to control it. Sadness is quite different. I know that I have to just cry when I feel like it and learn to express my anger appropriately. I have started working out more and eating healthy. I want to take this time to heal my body internally and externally.

Each day is a journey and I am going to continue staying positive and trusting that everything will someday work out.

Reflecting

I have been reflecting on the last few weeks and all that we have been through with the miscarriage. After looking back, I have realized that I had not dealt with my grief in a healthy manner and it was manifesting itself as anger. I was exploding at everything. No matter how small. The target of most of my rants was my husband because he is the one closest to me. He withstood all of my anger until this weekend. He confronted me and let me know that I had not been dealing with my own pain and I that I needed to face it. He held me in his arms and as soon as I was in his embrace, I let it out. I just cried for over an hour, until I fell asleep with my head in his lap.

After my mini-meltdown I am feeling noticeably different. I still feel the ache of my missing child, but it doesn’t feel as sharp. I am able to talk about what happened instead of pretending I was never pregnant. I also have noticed that I am able to enjoy the day now. Before, my mind was stuck on an endless loop of disappear, but I can now see past that.

This entire situation has been incredibly challenging in all areas in my life, but if I can find any good from it, I would have to say that it has strengthened my marriage. From the moment we heard that we were suffering a miscarriage, we clung to each other. He encouraged me, let me cry, and loved me unconditionally. I know, for a fact, that if I did not have my husband, I would not be able to move on. I am so blessed.

 

Confirmation

A part of me has been dreading this day all weekend, while The other part of me has been anxiously awaiting it. Today we heard back from the doctor to find out if we were indeed having a miscarriage. The miscarriage was confirmed. We lost the baby. 

The last five days have felt like a blur of tears, anger and disbelief. It all seems surreal because just six days ago we were picking out nursery themes and discussing baby names. Now that the doctor has confirmed the miscarriage, the loss of our baby feels real. There is no chance of pregnancy. It is final. 

My husband and I are trying our best to remain positive and trust that God has a plan. Honestly, it is so much easier said than done. 

I have never experienced this type of loss before, and all of my emotions are new and unexplored. Even though this is awful, I will continue to focus on God and try to be positive. That doesn’t mean I won’t hurt, or be angry. It means that I will have faith inspite of my own pain. 

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. It means the world to me. 

Dealing with the every day

An Anxiety Disorder isn’t something that will ever go away overnight. It isn’t something that can be cured. It is something that will follow you around every day, for the rest of your life. 

Even though these realities are dismal, that doesn’t mean it is hopeless. There are ways to conquer and control anxiety. You do not have live your life being controlled by it. Take back your control and learn how to manage the disease. 

It took me years to finally come to terms with the fact that my anxiety was not going to go away. However, I am at peace with it. I am at the point where I can see it as a blessing and it to help those around me who are struggling with the same thing.

If you feel lost right now- don’t. It will get better. Just don’t give up.