Full Mind!

So much has happened in the last few weeks! My mother in law finally went to the doctor and has been able to express her struggles with anxiety and is now receiving the treatment she needs! It has been such a blessing that she finally was able to go to the doctor. It has taken years. I feel such a huge weight off my shoulders. It feels so good to know she has help other than my husband and I. It was such a heavy burden to carry.

Also, I got a new job! I am moving up to high school to teach our advanced freshmen and sophomores! After 8 years at my middle school, it was such a hard decision but I felt God opened these doors for me. I needed to take him up on the offer and see where he leads.

Normally, I love counting down the days until the end of the year, but it is bittersweet Now. I only have 9 days left. It is the only school I have ever taught at. And I met my husband there. So many beautiful memories. I’m sure I’ll cry on the last day! I tear up just thinking about it! The great part though, is that the 8th graders I have now, will be with me again next year! Yay!

I feel so blessed through all of the chaos in my life. There has been struggle but also joy and peace. I trust God in all things. Hope for a future that is grand!

Very Hard Day

Today, a member of my family said she was considering suicide. She claimed that she was afraid she was going to have to do it because it was the only way out. She said she cannot stop her dark thoughts, and she knows that no one in the world cares about her at all.

These statements did not take me by surprise, because she has been struggling for years, but she has never before said it so clearly. I felt it was prudent to take action.

I sought counsel from a close friend, who is in the mental health field, and after an hour long conversation, we felt the next step would be to have her go to the emergency room. However, the difficult part is that this family member is on my husband’s side. He would have to be on board, and being so close to the situation, and dealing with the issues his entire life, he doesn’t see it the same way as I do.

He told me she was fine, originally, but I know he knows she isn’t. He mentioned to go to the hospital to check her blood pressure, and she refused. She wants to set up a doctor’s appointment to check her meds, because she hasn’t checked in with the doctor since 2015 because she doesn’t trust doctors. They have just been refilling her prescription without meeting with her.

I am very worried about her safety, however, the family continues to live with their head in the sand and wants to just smooth things over so she is happy. Which she never is. They don’t want to upset her. There is only so much I can do in the situation without their consent. It’s horrible just watching it spiral without anyone acting.

Please send prayers that the family has the strength to do what needs to the be done and that the doctors will have the wisdom to help in the way she needs.

Swirling Thoughts

It’s late.

The alarm will go off soon.

But I’m not asleep.

Restlessly turning and shifting.

Thoughts swirling.

Thoughts about the future,

About things I can’t control.

Never ending.

My mind is so loud.

It just needs to be quiet.

Trust that God will take the reins,

And make the future clear.

Sleep is knocking at the door.

I just need to open it.

Go to sleep thoughts.

Trust in God.

Hand it all over,

It’s time to rest.

Magical Snow

It’s snowing in Arizona! It’s so crazy, and wonderful! As soon as I stepped outside, I found myself transported back to cold, Ohio nights spent curled up in my bed, wishing for a snow day. Oh! It was beautiful! I love the snow

Positivity Challenge!

I frequent remind myself to find something positive in each day. When I am stuck in my own anxious thoughts, feeling that nothing is going right and everything is spiraling out of control, I remind myself to find something good. Just 1 thing. And after I do that, I can find another. Then another. I am going to have my mind find that 1 good thing today, and from there, see how many I can find.

I challenge you to do the same! How many can you find! Write them down if you need to. I bet you will find more than you expect.

Lower Anxiety makes for a better week

This week my anxiety has been so much lower than the past few weeks! And it is such a relief. I am finally beginning to feel better, after fighting the worst cold I have ever had for the last two weeks, and it feels good to be halfway human again! Yay! It is much easier to control my anxiety when I at full capacity!

Yay to low anxiety!!

If you are struggling with your anxiety, don’t give up! Yes it sucks, but you can get through it! I always remind myself that it will pass. Even when it feels like it won’t. It will.

You are strong. You will beat it!

Anxiety makes a comeback

Over the past two weeks, things have been pretty difficult emotionally – anxiety in particular. It’s been all over the map. Things all feel calm and zen, when suddenly, it spikes sky high.

Having dealt with anxiety for so many years, I understand its cycle, and that i have gotten to a place where it will eventually pass. However… I just wish it would never come back. Can’t we cure it? Balance the hormones and serotonin in my brain so I can be a zero out of ten for the rest of my life?

Work seems to be a huge place of anxiety for me right now. Many of my close friends work with me, and there is turmoil within the various relationships – ladies not getting along and boundaries being crossed – and it is making it really difficult. I love my job so much, but tension is so high that I don’t even want to go to work. It sucks! Since I have friendships with the women outside of work , it gets carried into my personal life. It’s a mess! And my anxiety hasn’t been this high in a while. It’s awful.

Luckily, my husband is our assistant principal, so he is a huge anchor for me. He knows about all the drama, and he has been so encouraging to me. Reminds me to focus on the kids, and do my best. God will take care of the rest. I feel so lucky to have him.

I know all of this will eventually work out. Tension will lessen and it will resolve itself somehow. My anxiety will weaken again, and let me rest. I have been working hard to focus on God and turn my thoughts to the positive.

Best Holiday In a Long Time!

This Christmas and New Year’s has been the best we have had in the past two years. Two years ago, on Dec 19, I was flown into the hospital to have my daughter, at only 30 weeks. She was born on December 23rd and we stayed in the NICU until February 11th. I have a few previous posts about it all. It was a really turbulent time in our lives, but we made it through. Our daughter, just turned 2 and she is perfect, intelligent and incredible! But for the last few years, Christmas time has filled me with anxiety about the memories of what we went through.

Then, on top of all the anxiety I had last year, my entire family came down with the stomach flu on Christmas day! We spent the day, and several sub-sequential days, taking turns puking! It was awful! UGH!

So this year, we tried not to plan much, and play it by ear. Not jinx anything. But it turns out we had nothing to worry about! This year, the worst thing that happened was that my husband got a head cold! We had such a wonderful time being healthy together! We were able to go on some adventures like the Zoo and a few ghost towns.

It was wonderful!

Last Week of School Before Christmas Haiku

Last week before break

Oh it will be rough for sure

Teacher life for me

Writing is Harder than I Thought

I am still chugging away at my novel! I am just over 24,500 words now and it has felt like a lifetime of effort! I flew through the first 20,000 and the last two weeks all I have been able to do is 4,000 words.

Being a mom, teacher and wife takes up all of my time. Add on housework, Christmas shopping, working out, grading essays, and countless other responsibilities that are required for caring for a two year old: there just is no time left to write. And when I do find the time, I feel exhausted and don’t want to write. Then I feel guilty. It has been a cycle! Ugh!

It has been a huge undertaking to commit to writing every single day. I have only missed three days since Nov 1. I am really proud to say that. Some days all I can get out are like 30 words, but it counts. It all adds up.

I have been learning that I don’t have be ashamed of small progress. I have to stop putting myself down when I don’t live up to the incredibly high standards I set for myself. Slow and steady. One step at a time. One word at a time.

I will write my novel. It will happen. It is happening. It’s growing everyday. And for that, I am proud!