Today I am going to focus on all the wonderful things I have in my life. Nothing bad. Nothing negative. My focus is on the good. I want to instill this mindset on my students! I hear so many of them talking poorly about themselves and their lives. Yes there are students who have horrible lives and they have a right to complain, but I want to teach them to find the good in the world!
This weekend was much needed! It started off with our school’s basketball team having a chance to play on the Phoenix Suns’ court and then being able to go see the game! It was a blast! My husband and I don’t normally go to many sporting events, but i think that is going to change! We loved it! Our daughter, who is one, did too! She was so good.
Then yesterday we took our daughter to an aquarium for the first time, and watching her see the ocean animals for the first time, was magical! I love being able to have the opportunity, and the means, to take her to different places to learn about the world around her.
Sometimes it is important to get away! We leave several hours outside of Phoenix, and it was time for us to go on a family adventure. Not only is it refreshing, but it was also good for our marriage! We can just have fun together as a family, instead of worrying about everything!
Sorry I have been absent for a few days, but things have been a little crazy! This last week I decided to begin my own little photography business! I have wanted to for years, but it never seemed right. However, this Christmas I received a new MacBook Pro (yay!!) and Photoshop, and more people have been asking for my photography services, so I decided to go forward do it!
It is incredibly exciting!! However, I do feel slightly exposed, because what if people see my work and think it sucks? Or no one ever sets up any appointments, and it goes nowhere..? I didn’t expect to feel as if I was standing naked in front of everyone! I am proud of my work, but putting it out there as a profession is intimidating!
So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and kind about everything! It’s been kinda wild, to be honest! But I am looking forward to seeing where this all leads!
I love being a social person, but when you mix my extrovert tendencies with my anxiety, you get a bad reaction! People are always going to have conflicts, big and small, and when you have anxiety being involved in conflict can be overwhelming. This has been happening to me over the last few weeks, and it has caused my anxiety to really spike. Several of my friends have recently had a falling out, and just being around the situation has been horrible.
Even though I am not directly involved, it’s hard to be friends with people who are mad at each other. I constantly find myself wondering if they are thinking whose side I am on and then I create scenes in my head of complete drama, which just makes everything worse.
I wish that I didn’t have an overly critical mind and I could just let things go. I could just be confident and not be bothered by the thoughts and actions of those around me. Unfortunately, that is not how I was created.
I am trying my best to continually stay in prayer to redirect my anxious thoughts and allow God to lead me to a place of peace. It is so strange that I am still dealing with these times of situations in my 30s, but such is life. All I can do is work on staying focused on God and positivity.
Tomorrow I return back to work after an amazing two week Christmas vacation. I loved every moment of the break (except when our entire family came down with the stomach flu, of course). It was wonderful to be able to sleep in and snuggle with my husband and daughter until the late morning. We would then wake up and have brunch and watch television, or listen to music until my daughter was ready for a nap. The best part of the entire vacation was being able to take a nap myself! I took soooo many! It was incredible. For the first time in a year, I finally feel rested!
A part of me is ready to go back to work, because I love teaching, but another part of me is grieving the time I have to give up with my daughter. I will miss being able to see her whenever I want, and hold her when I feel the desire to be snuggled. I can’t exactly do that with my middle school students (that would be frowned upon).
It will be difficult in the morning to drop her off at Grandma’s, but at least I know she is in excellent hands. I will be looking forward to seeing her face when I pick her up after work and she gives me the biggest, most adorable smile! That is what will get me through the day!
The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.
Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.
I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.
It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.
I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?
This silly little girl is always up to something!! Today was a difficult day, because of my anxiety. It felt really high most of the day, and I found myself sinking into negativity, but when I saw my beautiful daughter, and held her in my arms, it all melted away. It feels as if God gave me my baby girl to remind me that my anxiety doesn’t control me.