Starting up my own business!

Sorry I have been absent for a few days, but things have been a little crazy! This last week I decided to begin my own little photography business! I have wanted to for years, but it never seemed right. However, this Christmas I received a new MacBook Pro (yay!!) and Photoshop, and more people have been asking for my photography services, so I decided to go forward do it!

It is incredibly exciting!! However, I do feel slightly exposed, because what if people see my work and think it sucks? Or no one ever sets up any appointments, and it goes nowhere..? I didn’t expect to feel as if I was standing naked in front of everyone! I am proud of my work, but putting it out there as a profession is intimidating!

So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and kind about everything! It’s been kinda wild, to be honest! But I am looking forward to seeing where this all leads!

Here are a few of my most recent shots.

People Can Give Anxiety!

I love being a social person, but when you mix my extrovert tendencies with my anxiety, you get a bad reaction! People are always going to  have conflicts, big and small, and when you have anxiety being involved in conflict can be overwhelming. This has been happening to me over the last few weeks, and it has caused my anxiety to really spike. Several of my friends have recently had a falling out, and just being around the situation has been horrible.

Even though I am not directly involved, it’s hard to be friends with people who are mad at each other. I constantly find myself wondering if they are thinking whose side I am on and then I create scenes in my head of complete drama, which just makes everything worse.

I wish that I didn’t have an overly critical mind and I could just let things go. I could just be confident and not be bothered by the thoughts and actions of those around me. Unfortunately, that is not how I was created.

I am trying my best to continually stay in prayer to redirect my anxious thoughts and allow God to lead me to a place of peace. It is so strange that I am still dealing with these times of situations in my 30s, but such is life. All I can do is work on staying focused on God and positivity.

Why do I worry?

Why do I worry what people think?

There is nothing I can do to change it.

Why does my mind go in circles?

I just relieve the same moment.

Why can’t I be confident all the time?

I need to trust myself and be strong.

It’s time I let it all go.

Give to God what I cannot control.

I cannot take up space in my mind.

I give it all to God.

Holiday Hangover

Tomorrow I return back to work after an amazing two week Christmas vacation. I loved every moment of the break (except when our entire family came down with the stomach flu, of course). It was wonderful to be able to sleep in and snuggle with my husband and daughter until the late morning. We would then wake up and have brunch and watch television, or listen to music until my daughter was ready for a nap. The best part of the entire vacation was being able to take a nap myself! I took soooo many! It was incredible. For the first time in a year, I finally feel rested!

A part of me is ready to go back to work, because I love teaching, but another part of me is grieving the time I have to give up with my daughter. I will miss being able to see her whenever I want, and hold her when I feel the desire to be snuggled. I can’t exactly do that with my middle school students (that would be frowned upon).

It will be difficult in the morning to drop her off at Grandma’s, but at least I know she is in excellent hands. I will be looking forward to seeing her face when I pick her up after work and she gives me the biggest, most adorable smile! That is what will get me through the day!

Insecure in my Mommy Skills

The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.

I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.

It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.

I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?

This silly little girl is always up to something!! Today was a difficult day, because of my anxiety. It felt really high most of the day, and I found myself sinking into negativity, but when I saw my beautiful daughter, and held her in my arms, it all melted away. It feels as if God gave me my baby girl to remind me that my anxiety doesn’t control me.

1 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I was care-flighted to Phoenix, Arizona (4 hours away from home) due to severe preeclampsia. It was a terrifying day. I went into the hospital early in the morning on December 19, 2016 with a mild contractions. Since it was my first pregnancy, I hadn’t experienced contractions, so naturally I was scared. My husband and I left work early and we went into the ER, and once we got there we were sent to the OB triage.

I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and all kinds of monitors to keep an eye on my daughter. They told us that I was just dehydrated and I just needed to rest. They said I should be back to work by lunch. I remember thinking I was disappointed that I would have to go back to work! I had a cold so I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Having a cold, and being pregnant at the same time is not the greatest feeling.

As time went on, I started to notice the blood pressure cuff was still on my arm and they were continually. I hadn’t thought much of it, but the nurse started asking questions about my blood pressure history. I have never had any issues, and I was starting to get the feeling that something was wrong. However, no one said anything yet, other than just to relax, which, suddenly, was difficult to do.

After nearly an hour of monitoring, the doctor comes in and says he is not happy with the numbers of my blood pressure (204/100something) and he had been on the phone with a doctor in Phoenix, and I was going to be flown out in 15 minutes!! My husband and I were in complete shock! I will always remember my husband, who is normally so brave and composed, crying in the corner of the room as the nursing staff came in and prepped me to be taken to the helicopter. I saw it land right outside the window, and I just felt cold fear. I had no idea what was going on.

I remember telling my husband to grab my journal before he left town so I could write about what was going on with the pregnancy. Even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew it was all going to be apart of my daughter’s story, and I wanted to remember it.

The next thing I know, I am being stuffed into an incredibly tight helicopter and in the care of two technicians I had never seen before. They were very kind and helped me feel more comfortable. It took an hour and a half to fly to Phoenix, and it felt much longer. I couldn’t see very well out of the windows because the gurney I was on was far below the window. I just remember seeing blue sky, and the revolving shadow of the helicopter blades, which made me nauseous.

I spent the entire flight in prayer. I prayed for safety for my daughter. I prayed for calm nerves. I prayed for peace. I prayed for everything. I didn’t know how long I would be away from home, or even when I would see my husband. The only thing I knew was the God was with me, and He was in control – even though I felt completely out of control. I decided in that moment that I was going to trust Him to take care of me. And, I can happily say, He did.

My preeclampsia was too severe and they were unable to lower my blood pressure to a safe level, and my My daughter was born 4 days after I arrived in Phoenix at 30 weeks. She weighed 2 pounds 14 ounces and was absolutely perfect. I didn’t return back home until February 12, 2017! We spent 54 days in Phoenix in the hospital! It was along journey, but it made my family so much stronger. I thank God everyday for how wonderful my daughter is, and for keeping me safe. I know it could have been so much worse.

Changing a Negative Mind

It is a challenge to really consider what you are thinking about. To self-reflect on the constant influx of thoughts, and sort out the good from the bad. The negative from the positive. However, this nearly insurmountable task is vital to our emotional health! After all, we are what we think. If you want to be positive, you must allow only positive thoughts to occupy the foreground of your mind. If a negative thought ever pops up, you need to push it away. Fight back with a counter-thought. Something positive. Keep fighting! Never give up! We were created to live for so much more than what we allow ourselves to become. Choose positivity. Retrain your mind and find the good.

Do Good Today

With my mind being occupied with mostly negative thought late, I have decided it’s time to turn that around. Today, I am going to choose to do good to those around me. I am going to strive to be a blessing instead of a curse. I choose to have positive thoughts.

Let’s do this challenge together. Say at least one positive thing to yourself and one to someone else. Let’s spread the love.