An Anxious Mother

Having an anxiety disorder is difficult. Sprinkle on being a MOM with an anxiety disorder; well that’s an entirely new story! I have been working to navigate my anxiety since my beautiful daughter was born 8 months ago. It has been under control, for the most part, but there are times when it isn’t. Those are the rough times. Extra so now that I have Eisley.

There are SO many things to worrry about as a parent! I had no idea! Pretty much everything is a hazard. Yesterday I gave her some remnants of the peanut I had eaten off my finger, and afterwards I was terrified she was going to have an allergic reaction! (She didn’t by the way. She was fine!)

I try not to think about what could go wrong, or what could hurt her, too much. But it’s hard not to. When I find myself lost in panic, I turn my thoughts into prayers, and do my best to let God take it. Easier said than done, but it is a work in progress.

As of now, my anxiety is low and I have been soaking up the joy of the weekend. It is monsoon season here in Arizona, and it rained all day! It was amazing!

I am working on living in the moment with my husband and daughter, and I am treasuring the blessings they both bring me each day. Even though anxiety sucks, I refuse to let it steal anymore time from me! I will carry on in spite of it! God gives me the strength to defeat it!

Long time!!

It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress! So many things have been going on since my last post! School (work) has started up again and I have hit the ground running! My students this year are great, so far, and I am loving this year. I feel like I am more prepared with my lessons, and since I was so sick last year, while I was pregnant, this year I am feeling so much more energetic! I am really looking forward to seeing what this school year brings.

My daughter is doing really well! If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my daughter was born in December, at 30 weeks. We spent 50 days in the NICU and we have been home since the end of February. The doctor said that she will not experience any long term effects of her prematurity! YAY! The only thing we are working on right now is trying to bulk her up! She weighs 12 pounds 3 ounces now, which is huge compared to her 2 pounds 14 ounces. She is such an incredible little human being! Last week she started rolling over from her back to her tummy! YAY! I am so proud of her and how she has come over the last few months.

My anxiety has been been under control over the last few months, and I am so thankful. I still have days where it feels so heavy, and uncomfortable, but I am able through it. My husband has also been very supportive whenever my anxiety has shown up. He will remind me how strong I am, and let me know how it will pass.

Well, that is my life in a quick few paragraphs! I am going to try and commit to writing more often, because I totally miss you guys! Blogging is so therapeutic!

You Are Strong

If you made it through today – you are strong. There are times when you have to congratulate yourself on just pushing though from sunrise to sunset. I have been there. 100%.

Life can be ridiculously difficult, and add mental disorders on top of it, and it makes a toxic cocktail. But look! You made it through! I made it through!

Anxiety and depression did not win. Each day, each moment, that we press onward is a victory. We can do this. Together we can make it.

You are strong.

It’s Raw Anxiety.

Today my anxiety was real. It was intense. Sharp. Constricting. There were several times today when I felt as if I couldn’t breath. As if I was about to fall into an abyss. I haven’t felt anxiety this raw in a long time. 

It was triggered by the end of my summer break rapidly coming to an end. I go back to work Friday, and I am dreading leaving my baby. Any time I think about it I feel sick. I have loved being home with her this summer. Cuddling together, and watching the Today Show in the morning. Playtimes in the afternoon, and bedtime snuggles at night. It rips me apart inside to have to go back and no longer have those times with her. 

I also love my job. I always look forward to going back, but it is different now. I wasn’t expecting to experience this sadness. 

I know God will give me strength to push onward, and it will get better with time, but right now it hurts. 
Here we are! How can I leave this beautiful face? 

Take THAT Anxiety! 

My day started out with a bit of unexplained anxiety, which annoyed me greatly. As many of you know, anxiety comes around for no reasons a lot of the time, which is what makes it so frustrating! However, I didn’t let it ruin my day! I went to the gym, swam in my pool, and by the time the day was over I realized I had beaten the anxiety, and had a wonderful day! 

I praise God for helping me to get to this point because I haven’t always been able to beat anxiety in less than a day. Sometimes it took months. 

If you are in the fight with anxiety, don’t give up. You can beat it. 

No more Breastmilk !’

Over the last few months, breastmilk has ruled my life! I pump a million times a day, and constantly worry if I am producing enough milk for my LO. BUT no more! 

Here’s a quick little back story for those who haven’t read my previous posts.  December 23, 2016 my daughter came into the world 10 weeks early because of my severe preeclampsia. After 50 days in the NICU, she is 100% healthy and beautiful! 
Ever since she was born, I have been pumping breastmilk, however, my milk does not have enough calories to give her enough weight. Our doctor told us that we need to switch to exclusively using formula to fatten her up. It was difficult to hear that I was able to provide her with enough fat, but I have been trying to focus on the positive. 
Since switching over to formula, she has put on nearly a pound in just a week! Yay! As for pumping, I have been weaning myself off the pump, and today is my first day without pumping! It’s incredible and terrifying at the same time. I didn’t expect so much guilt to come along with quitting, but I also have so much more time on my hands! I am learning that being a mom is all about conflicting emotions! 

Developmental Assessment 

Yesterday we took my daughter to get her developmental follow up exam that she needed after her stay in the NICU. 

After our time with the doctor, the doctor said our daughter is on target cognatively and doing really well on her language development. We Also learned that, She is a month delayed on her gross motor skills. At first I was concerned to hear that, because no one wants to hear their child has a delay, however, the doctor said that we will be able to help her catch up by doing more tummy time, and other excersises that help her limber up. 

The only major concern the doctor had was our daughter’s weight. Her weight has dropped off the scale, so we are going to begin using mostly formula to help bulk her up. The doctor said that she is hopeful that our daughter will be able to put on the weight she needs. 

I have been anxious about the exam over the last few months, because I wasn’t sure what to expect. Although, she needs to gain more weight, and it is a concern at this time, I feel that the overall feel of the exam was positive. The doctor was very happy with how she was coming along overall and said we are a great family. 

Please send prayers for her development of her gross motor skills and her weight gain journey. Thank you for all your love and support! 

Post Preemie Eye Exam

My baby girl had her follow up eye exam and all is good! Actually, all is great! Her eyes are fully developed and looking fantastic! The doctor even commented on how mature she is, developmentally, for her age! Yay! That lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. 

Tomorrow we will be taking her to her four month developmental check up to make sure she is progressing the way she should. Over the last few months, as we have taken her into her pediatrician, there has been no red flags, so we hope tomorrow will go smoothly.

I do have some pretty high anxiety about the visit, because I’m not sure what to expect. I feel in my heart she is progressing, but I have never had an extensive amount of time with babies, so I only know what I experience with my daughter. 

I am trying to combat the anxiousness with positive self talk and prayer. This morning I woke up with an 8 out of 10, but since then, it has gone down to about a 2. I may have a spike again before the exam tomorrow, but I am doing my best to stay positive and fight against it. 

I will update you all on her progress tomorrow!! Have a great night and DON’T let anxiety win! 

Family trip!

We are taking our first family vacation with our baby girl! Phoenix! Technically she was born here due to her emergency birth and me being flown down here, but it’s our first time back to Phoenix since we left the hospital, and we are here to enjoy ourselves! My parents are coming from Ohio to hang out as well, so we are really looking forward to the time away from home. 

On Thursday, Eisley has her follow up Eye Appointment, which will be the first one since we left the hospital. We were given the all good before we left the NICU, so we are thinking we should be good to go. However, it does spike up my anxiety a little bit, because I hate having to take her back to see more doctors. My husband (as well as my parents) are here as support so I am dealing with the anxiety pretty well. 

I will keep you updated on how things go, and on what adventures we have while in town! 

Have an amazing day!