Starting a new Job

After 8 school years at the same school, I have finally moved on. Previously, I was at a middle school, and I am now transitioning into high school. This year, I will be teaching our advanced program for freshmen and sophomores in the area of English.

Thursday is my first day (teacher meetings) at the new building and I am honestly starting to get nervous. I feel confident I will be able to handle the content, but everything is new – except the students. I am moving up with my 8th graders. But The principal. The staff. The expectations. All new! It’s like starting from starch. I’m even going to have to make new friends. 😳😳

I am thankful that my anxiety is not acting up. This transition has been anxiety free, for the most part. I always have a small bit pestering me at all times lol! This move has felt right. God really aligned things to put me in this position. Even though I’m starting to feel the nerves of a new job, I am excited for the chance to grow and discover what I can do ❤️

Feeling Anxiety on the Rise

I am beginning to feel my anxiety start to rise. Over the last few months, I have been sick on and off. A previous post detailed it all, but I am still left with a horrible cough that just racks my entire body. It’s exhausting. It’s been months. It hurts everything.

What is making me anxious, is that I have an out of town work training for two days, and it is quickly approaching, and I am not feeling better. So I am finding myself ruminating on it, and it makes it so much worse. I know I will be alright, but when I feel sick, I just want to be home.

UGH! I am going to work hard to try to combat the anxiety and stay positive. I just wish I felt like myself 😦

Hard Time Adulting

Today just felt like it was an endless struggle against my emotions. It wasn’t a bad day, exactly, it was just difficult emotionally. I didn’t feel my anxiety as I normally do (a tightness that radiates from my chest) but I felt myself ruminating and becoming overwhelmed.

Let me explain. Since March, I have been fighting an endless rounds of  ear infections, clogged ears, fevers, coughs, body aches and shittiness (the best word I could come up with). Alone, these symptoms spaced out from each other, wouldn’t be horrible. I’m a teacher. I get a cold of the flu at least once a year. BUT the worst part about all of this is that as soon as one symptom goes away, another one pops up!! It’s awful!

I have just felt terrible for the last three months, and today I just felt like I had enough. I called the doctor and I can’t get an appointment with him until the end of the month. There were other doctors but they were first year residents, which I don’t normally mind, but I had been in three times since March, and I am still not much better… So I wanted to hold out for him. This of course made me anxious because I began to ruminate about how sick I felt. A constant loop in my head. Over and over about how my summer is being wasted because I’m sick. Endlessly sick…

I finally broke down and cried. I don’t cry often, and it did feel good to let out some of the tension. I also felt drained… and still do. I desperately wished I could just crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for hours. But I couldn’t. Being a mom doesn’t stop, and today she was very amped up!

So, I tried to focus my attention onto her, and made the most of the day. We had swim lessons, and when I say we I mean I actually take the class with her.  Just hearing her laugh as we learned how to blow bubbles, made me start to feel better. After lessons we went to the store, and then came home and played outside.

There were times I felt myself drifting back to my anxious thoughts, but my daughter would pull me back out of them each time. I am so glad that instead of disappearing today, I stayed present with her. She helped me so much today.

OH! ANNNND my husband, knowing I was having a rough day, took my daughter out with him for about an hour right before dinner so I could have some time to myself! IT was amazing!

I thank God for my beautiful family who knows how to help me when I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I am also thankful that I have learned how to refocus and be able to push forward. I have not always been able to do that. It feels good to know that I have come so far! Yay for small victories!

 

Very Hard Day

Today, a member of my family said she was considering suicide. She claimed that she was afraid she was going to have to do it because it was the only way out. She said she cannot stop her dark thoughts, and she knows that no one in the world cares about her at all.

These statements did not take me by surprise, because she has been struggling for years, but she has never before said it so clearly. I felt it was prudent to take action.

I sought counsel from a close friend, who is in the mental health field, and after an hour long conversation, we felt the next step would be to have her go to the emergency room. However, the difficult part is that this family member is on my husband’s side. He would have to be on board, and being so close to the situation, and dealing with the issues his entire life, he doesn’t see it the same way as I do.

He told me she was fine, originally, but I know he knows she isn’t. He mentioned to go to the hospital to check her blood pressure, and she refused. She wants to set up a doctor’s appointment to check her meds, because she hasn’t checked in with the doctor since 2015 because she doesn’t trust doctors. They have just been refilling her prescription without meeting with her.

I am very worried about her safety, however, the family continues to live with their head in the sand and wants to just smooth things over so she is happy. Which she never is. They don’t want to upset her. There is only so much I can do in the situation without their consent. It’s horrible just watching it spiral without anyone acting.

Please send prayers that the family has the strength to do what needs to the be done and that the doctors will have the wisdom to help in the way she needs.

Positivity Challenge!

I frequent remind myself to find something positive in each day. When I am stuck in my own anxious thoughts, feeling that nothing is going right and everything is spiraling out of control, I remind myself to find something good. Just 1 thing. And after I do that, I can find another. Then another. I am going to have my mind find that 1 good thing today, and from there, see how many I can find.

I challenge you to do the same! How many can you find! Write them down if you need to. I bet you will find more than you expect.

Anxiety makes a comeback

Over the past two weeks, things have been pretty difficult emotionally – anxiety in particular. It’s been all over the map. Things all feel calm and zen, when suddenly, it spikes sky high.

Having dealt with anxiety for so many years, I understand its cycle, and that i have gotten to a place where it will eventually pass. However… I just wish it would never come back. Can’t we cure it? Balance the hormones and serotonin in my brain so I can be a zero out of ten for the rest of my life?

Work seems to be a huge place of anxiety for me right now. Many of my close friends work with me, and there is turmoil within the various relationships – ladies not getting along and boundaries being crossed – and it is making it really difficult. I love my job so much, but tension is so high that I don’t even want to go to work. It sucks! Since I have friendships with the women outside of work , it gets carried into my personal life. It’s a mess! And my anxiety hasn’t been this high in a while. It’s awful.

Luckily, my husband is our assistant principal, so he is a huge anchor for me. He knows about all the drama, and he has been so encouraging to me. Reminds me to focus on the kids, and do my best. God will take care of the rest. I feel so lucky to have him.

I know all of this will eventually work out. Tension will lessen and it will resolve itself somehow. My anxiety will weaken again, and let me rest. I have been working hard to focus on God and turn my thoughts to the positive.

Best Holiday In a Long Time!

This Christmas and New Year’s has been the best we have had in the past two years. Two years ago, on Dec 19, I was flown into the hospital to have my daughter, at only 30 weeks. She was born on December 23rd and we stayed in the NICU until February 11th. I have a few previous posts about it all. It was a really turbulent time in our lives, but we made it through. Our daughter, just turned 2 and she is perfect, intelligent and incredible! But for the last few years, Christmas time has filled me with anxiety about the memories of what we went through.

Then, on top of all the anxiety I had last year, my entire family came down with the stomach flu on Christmas day! We spent the day, and several sub-sequential days, taking turns puking! It was awful! UGH!

So this year, we tried not to plan much, and play it by ear. Not jinx anything. But it turns out we had nothing to worry about! This year, the worst thing that happened was that my husband got a head cold! We had such a wonderful time being healthy together! We were able to go on some adventures like the Zoo and a few ghost towns.

It was wonderful!

Writing is Harder than I Thought

I am still chugging away at my novel! I am just over 24,500 words now and it has felt like a lifetime of effort! I flew through the first 20,000 and the last two weeks all I have been able to do is 4,000 words.

Being a mom, teacher and wife takes up all of my time. Add on housework, Christmas shopping, working out, grading essays, and countless other responsibilities that are required for caring for a two year old: there just is no time left to write. And when I do find the time, I feel exhausted and don’t want to write. Then I feel guilty. It has been a cycle! Ugh!

It has been a huge undertaking to commit to writing every single day. I have only missed three days since Nov 1. I am really proud to say that. Some days all I can get out are like 30 words, but it counts. It all adds up.

I have been learning that I don’t have be ashamed of small progress. I have to stop putting myself down when I don’t live up to the incredibly high standards I set for myself. Slow and steady. One step at a time. One word at a time.

I will write my novel. It will happen. It is happening. It’s growing everyday. And for that, I am proud!

Dealing with the Everyday

My first week of back to work (aka school!) is under my belt, and I already feel like I have been teaching these kids all year. They are just great! I have a fantastic group of 8th graders this year, and they seem to really click with my style. It is the honeymoon stage, but I’m really looking forward to seeing where this year takes us.

This week, I have struggled with my anxiety again. I am not sure what triggered it, but it was high for a majority of the week. I knew I couldn’t let it take over because I wanted to be present for my students, as well as my daughter. I have limited time with her now that I am back in school, and I want to use every moment to the fullest.

To combat my anxiety, I just pushed through. I tried my best to keep a positive attitude, and when I felt like I was falling apart, I opened up and shared with a friend. I think if is important to have someone you can talk to when you have high anxiety.

I just feel it is imperative that when we feel our anxiety at its worst, we don’t give up. Living with this disease for so long has shown me that the dark days pass. They really do. As long as you fight back. Don’t give up. Don’t let it win. You can experience peace, even if you think you can’t. I never thought I would EVER feel anxiety-free, but I do! Sure I still struggle, but I know it will pass.

It will for you too.

Doing It, Even If I Don’t Feel Like It.

Today, my anxiety was through the roof, I was exhausted, and my body ached all over. I didn’t want to doing anything, and least of all, spend the day running around the house after my daughter.

I woke up thinking I would put on the tv and lay on the couch binging on Netflix and Hulu, while she played around the living room with her toys. I could recuperate, and she could learn to entertain herself. Everybody wins.

However, that is not how the day turned out! Luckily for me, my daughter is an angel, and the mere sight of her fills me with such joy that I can hardly contain it! So, of course I couldn’t resist her when she wanted to play!

We ended up spending nearly two hours in our little pool, reading books, eating yummy snacks, and lots and lots of cuddling! It was such an amazing day! I feel like we took our relationship to a new level, and it felt wonderful.

Since becoming a parent, I have been learning that when I push myself beyond my comfort zone, I experiencing incredible rewards. Had I decided to stay on the couch and watch tv instead, my daughter would have been fine, however, we would have missed out on our one on one time.

I am going to put this principal into action in my everyday life and look for opportunities this week to go beyond my comfort zone! I challenge you to do the same!