If you made it through today – you are strong. There are times when you have to congratulate yourself on just pushing though from sunrise to sunset. I have been there. 100%.
Life can be ridiculously difficult, and add mental disorders on top of it, and it makes a toxic cocktail. But look! You made it through! I made it through!
Anxiety and depression did not win. Each day, each moment, that we press onward is a victory. We can do this. Together we can make it.
You can beat it
The pain will NOT win
You will overcome
No matter your past
Your future is new
You can beat it
My day started out with a bit of unexplained anxiety, which annoyed me greatly. As many of you know, anxiety comes around for no reasons a lot of the time, which is what makes it so frustrating! However, I didn’t let it ruin my day! I went to the gym, swam in my pool, and by the time the day was over I realized I had beaten the anxiety, and had a wonderful day!
I praise God for helping me to get to this point because I haven’t always been able to beat anxiety in less than a day. Sometimes it took months.
If you are in the fight with anxiety, don’t give up. You can beat it.
It has been a crazy month, and I apologize for not posting much. Things are going really well with my baby girl! She continues to grow slowly but surely. She is up to 8 lbs 4 oz now!! She has quadrupled in size over the last five months. She ha started baby talking now, and it is incredible!
My anxiety has come back a little bit, but not enough to take control. It has gotten much over a 5 out of 10. I have been combating it with prayer and positive self talk. As much as I would like to say that I have gotten ride of my anxiety, I know that I can’t because it is part of who I am. It may be a weakness, however, I use it to give me strength. It won’t control me or take any time away from my daughter!
But I am loving being a mother and I am looking forward to this summer vacation so I can spend every moment snuggling my baby girl! 
I am feeling overwhelmed with my anxiety today, and it sucks. Through third hand information, today I heard that my mother-in-law has been having a hard time watching my baby while I have been at work. She has been crying out of frustration over it. Now, for a bit of backstory, my MIL has been running daycare out of her home for many years, and she just started watching my daughter on May 1 when I went back to work. My daughter was born 10 weeks early, and it has been a huge deal that she is finally able to go to “daycare” with grandma.
So, back to hearing about my MIL today. My nail tech, who is a good friend of mine, told me today that one of her clients grandchildren also go to my MIL for daycare. That woman had mentioned that my MIL had been crying about How colicky my daughter is and how hard it has been adjusting. I have known she has been having a hard time because she has cried to me about it as well. However it really took me by surprise to hear it second hand. I just didn’t expect her to tell other people about it.
I understand the need to talk about it, but it honestly made me angry to hear that. I’m not sure why exactly, but I think it is because it is something negative about my child. I know my MIL loves my daughter, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
This week my MIL has clearly been frustrated because every day I picked up my daughter she had nothing good to say about how the day went. My anxiety spiked because I dreaded going to pick her up and having to hear what went wrong.
My MIL actually has an anxiety disorder as well, severe OCD along with others, but she doesn’t handle it very well so I think that is playing a part in her feeling so overwhelmed. I am trying my best to be understanding, but I am just feeling very hurt.
When I am with my daughter I don’t feel she is an overly colicky baby. She cries like any baby when she is hungry or annoyed, but not all day long. I just don’t know how to handle my anxiety in this situation because I have never been in a situation like this before. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but that didn’t go over very well. 😒
I am going to put the situation in God’s hands and let him give me strength to get through it.
Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do?
I have tried to not dwell on my anxiety about going back to work after my maternity leave, and just focus on my daughter these last few days. Just looking at her reminds me of how incredible God is. How far he has carried us over the last four months. I will get through going back to work. God gives me the strength to do it, even when I feel like I can’t. He is my strength.
Anxiety will always be my battle, but it doesn’t always have to win. I choose to take back my mind. It cannot steal anymore time away from me.
Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have completely taken me by surprise.
Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all.
I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow.
We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time.
Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?
Today I drove my brother to the airport at Las Vegas, which is a few hours from where I live, and I had zero anxiety! It was such a smooth and relaxing drive, which I really needed since my time as been devoted to caring for my newborn daughter – She stayed at home with daddy. listened to music and sang as loud as I could! It was fantastic!
Two and a half years ago, On a family trip to Vegas, I was unable to get on a bus because it induced a panic attack. It was a really low moment for me because I had never let my family see how bad my anxiety had gotten. However, shortly after the event, I decided to take a huge step and talk to my doctor about what I can do to help. He started medication, Paxil, and it was the best decision I ever made. I have not had a panic attack since that vacation!
So today felt really special since, considering what I had experienced two years earlier, I was able to relax and drive!
Yay for small victories!
Since becoming a parent, I have noticed that my emotions are bigger and deeper than I ever thought possible. I have a difficult time watching shows or movies where children are hurt or seperated from their parents, because I can fully understand how it would feel.
Today I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was about a pregnant woman who died after a car crash, but her baby was saved. This story felt a lot like my own since I was rushed to the hospital with extreme preeclampsia and my family stayed for a week with me. Clearly, I didn’t die nor did my precious baby, but the story felt too close to home. Since I watched the episode, I have experienced anxiety. Although I got to take my baby home from the hospital almost two months ago, I can still feel every emotion clearly. The fear. The anxiety. The helplessness. I will never forget those feelings.
I praise God every day, every moment, that I hold my daughter in my arms. He is who saved us. He brought us through the desert of pain and heartbreak into a oasis of life and love.
Snuggles all day long!
My sweet baby takes away
My anxiety!
This is one of my favorite photos from our time in the NICU! She was about a month old and maybe 3 pounds!
The Persistent Platypus 