Anxiety has been hovering around

As the day I return to work from my maternity leave draws closer, I have noticed more anxiety hovering around me. It’s not high, but it is enough where I can feel it. I know I cannot be with my baby girl every moment of the day forever, but I have loved being able to do just that for the last few months.

 Being in the hospital for her first 50 days and having to leave her there at night was the hardest thing I ever have had to do, and I feel like I am leaving her again when I have to go back to work. I know the circumstances are different, but she doesn’t know that. I don’t want her to think I am abandoning her. I never imagined it would be this difficult to go back. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening 

I know God has a plan and will make this all work out. I will adjust and my daughter will know I’m not leaving her. I just have to keep pushing forward and staying positive. I can do this! 

Continued Anxiety

Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have  completely taken me by surprise. 

Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all. 

I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow. 

We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time. 

Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?

Powerful Emotions

Since becoming a parent, I have noticed that my emotions are bigger and deeper than I ever thought possible. I have a difficult time watching shows or movies where children are hurt or seperated from their parents, because I can fully understand how it would feel. 

Today I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was about a pregnant woman who died after a car crash, but her baby was saved. This story felt a lot like my own since I was rushed to the hospital with extreme preeclampsia and my family stayed for a week with me. Clearly, I didn’t die nor did my precious baby, but the story felt too close to home. Since I watched the episode, I have experienced anxiety. Although I got to take my baby home from the hospital almost two months ago, I can still feel every emotion clearly. The fear. The anxiety. The helplessness. I will never forget those feelings. 

I praise God every day, every moment, that I hold my daughter in my arms. He is who saved us. He brought us through the desert of pain and heartbreak into a oasis of life and love. 

Getting into the Groove

Since my baby, Eisley, has been home for about a month now, I feel like I have gotten into a pretty good groove. I may not have a “to the minute” routine, but I do have a loose one. Since she is so small developmentally still, she eats about every two hours, so there isn’t much to do that doesn’t involve feeding. 

The first two weeks that we were home, after being in the NICU for so long, were really difficult emotionally. My husband and I had a lot of support from the doctors and nurses and now we only have each other. Then, a few days after we brought her home, my husband went back to work, so I was all alone! I know this is something most of us moms go through, but I wasn’t prepared for that! I actually couldn’t think much beyond delivery! Birth was the scariest part for me, and gave me the most anxiety. I didn’t give much thought to what came after that. And I certainly didn’t think a 50 day stay in the NICU would be apart of the process. 

However, now that a few more weeks have passed, I am feeling more at ease with Eisley (my baby) and have adjusted my mindset in a more positive direction. I have been making sure to read scripture everyday so that I can make sure I can have strength and wisdom to make it through each day. An infant is A LOT of work! Goodness! ❤

A Painful Journey that Results in Joy

Many of my past posts have been about the journey my husband and I had on our way to parenthood. were we going to foster to adopt (it is still on the table for down the road) or have our own first? Did I want to be pregnant? Because if I did, it could mean my anxiety could be intensified. But inspire of all the questions and uncertainty, we decided to move forward and try to get pregnant.

We ended up getting pregnant in February of last year, but we had a miscarriage six weeks in. It was painful. More than I ever would have thought it would be. We put babies on hold for a little while, and then on our first try after the miscarriage, we got pregnant! Then, as previous posts outline, I developed severe preeclampsia and she had to be delivered at 30 weeks 1 day. At 2 pounds 14 oz, she was perfect! No sickness, or abnormalities. Just tiny. She is now over 5 pounds and amazing. 

All of the hardship and struggle has worked out in such a beautiful way. 

God has blessed me with more than I could have ever hoped for. I never knew my heart could be so full. Even though so much of our pregnancy journey was stressful, my anxiety never took over. I was able to stay in control and it never reared its ugly head. I know god helped keep me balanced. I couldn’t have made it through without Him. I am so thankful. 

Baby Update!

After 50 long and tedious days in the NICU, we were finally released on February 11! It was an incredible day. Simply walking her through the doors of the hospital and brining her out into the sunshine filled our hearts with bliss. We have been home just over two weeks now and we are getting into the parenting routine. My husband has gone back to work and I am officially a stay at home Mom for the next few months. It has been a hard adjustment in terms of my expectations. Being a mom in the NICU requires a different set of emotional coping skills than being a mom with a baby at home. In the NICU we had A nurse help us if we don’t know what to do, or need help with feedings. Obviously, here at home we don’t have that help. I never knew it would be so exhuasting. I mean, people tell you how exhausting it but you never know until you actually are there in the moment. However, I wouldn’t trade it ❤ we are so happy to have her home! 

How am I a Mom?!

My Heart is So Full

My daughter is beautiful

I am now a MOM!!

 

I am still blown away by the fact that I am a mom now. It is such an incredible feeling too look at that beautiful baby girl and know that she is the creation of me and my husband. She has been so strong, and is such a fighter. She has been on in the NICU for 29 days today, and is getting closer to going home!

Slight anxiety

The journey towards becoming a mother has not been what I expected. This was our first full month of trying, and it has been agony! With the waiting I mean. Aunt Flow is scheduled to show tomorrow, so hubby and I took the test today. It came back negative. 

We were both pretty disappointed, especially because we thought we were pregnant. I found that embarrassing, but my hubby reminded me that I am experiencing the same emotions as all the others who are trying as well. 

I had some anxiety today about the possibly of never being able to conceive. Maybe I have a hostile uterus? No eggs? Maybe I’m too old!? So many thoughts ran through my mind today as I tried to process the negative sign on the pregnancy test. 

However, I know God has a plan for us, and I have the love of my life as my side. Whatever happens, I am going to trust God! 

In the Holiday Spirit!

Today my husband and I went out to get our Christmas Tree and broke out the Christmas decorations! We had a great time watching Christmas movies and lighting up the house. We don’t have as many decorations as we would like yet, but over the last three years (since we have been married), we have slowly been building it up.

As we were putting up the tree, a thought occurred to me – this may be our last Christmas as just a couple. Next year, it is possible, we will have a baby! It is a very bizarre and exciting thought. My husband said is was exciting to think about buying “baby’s first Christmas” ornaments and baby outfits! I love that he is excited about becoming a father. It makes me even more excited.

I hope you are all having a great weekend!

 

And anxiety returns

As I have been sharing over the last several weeks, my husband and I are moving forward with beginning our family aka having kids! What we have been talking and praying about, is whether to foster/adopt first or have a biological child first. We had decided to pursue foster/adopting first, however, we reached a mild road block in the process. We have been placed on a waiting list and it will be several months before we actually begin foster care training. Naturally, we were disappointed, however, we revisited the discussion about having a biological child first, and after much praying and talking we have decided to go ahead with trying to get pregnant! 

Foster care is still something we are persuing, but we decided that it is finally time to jump in 100% and begin trying while we wait for training. 

My only concern is my anxiety disorder. I am terrified that once I go off my medication that my hormones will increase the intensity of my anxiety. I want my baby to be healthy and I don’t want my anxiety to get in the way.

Have any of you dealt with an anxiety disorder while pregnant? If so, how did you help yourself?