My Joy

When I look at you and see your smile,

My heart stops.

Your laugh brings joy to my heart!

Your tiny hand that grips my finger,

Holds my heart.

I can’t imagine my life without you.

To my Joy. My beautiful daughter. It’s hard to believe she is going to be 1 year old in two weeks! Slow down time!

My loves!

Ok, I feel like this is ridiculously corny, but when I saw my 11 month old daughter fell asleep resting on my husband’s leg, I honestly teared up! I just felt completely overtaken by love. I felt the only way to express it was with tears. None fell though. My eyes just Welled up. But it was such a touching moment! Don’t laugh! ❤️ I’m emotional!

Pregnancy Update

WOW! It has been a really long time since I have posted anything on here! I am currently 19 weeks, and things are going well with my pregnancy, the baby is developing well and is very healthy. I am finally starting to feel her kick more! It is crazy to feel that, and incredibly exciting. I am still fighting morning sickness, which sucks, but I am still pushing forward. Things are better than they were in the beginning, so I am trying to stay positive.

There are still moments where it still seems unbelievable that I am pregnant, and the excitement still feels fresh! I cannot wait until I can finally meet by baby girl.

It’s a girl!

It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress, and I have missed you all! I wanted to let you all know that my pregnancy has been progressing along very well (even though I still have morning sickness) and yesterday we found out that WE ARE HAVING A GIRL! 

This slightly terrifies me because girls (as I know from my own childhood) are complicated and emotional! I hope I’m up for it! Even though I am nervous about having a girl, I am so looking forward to it!! 

Here she is!! 

Slight anxiety 

The journey towards becoming a mother has not been what I expected. This was our first full month of trying, and it has been agony! With the waiting I mean. Aunt Flow is scheduled to show tomorrow, so hubby and I took the test today. It came back negative. 

We were both pretty disappointed, especially because we thought we were pregnant. I found that embarrassing, but my hubby reminded me that I am experiencing the same emotions as all the others who are trying as well. 

I had some anxiety today about the possibly of never being able to conceive. Maybe I have a hostile uterus? No eggs? Maybe I’m too old!? So many thoughts ran through my mind today as I tried to process the negative sign on the pregnancy test. 

However, I know God has a plan for us, and I have the love of my life as my side. Whatever happens, I am going to trust God! 

A little bit traumatizing!

Well, today was the day that my husband and I went to the OBGYN to get my IUD taken out. We went in expecting a quick and mildly uncomfortable experience, however, it turned out to be much different! It ended up being 40 minutes of my dr digging into my cervix/uterus trying to find it. I have never experienced that sort of pain in my life! My husband held my hand the entire time as I cried and screamed in his ear.

Part of me was utterly embarrassed, however, the dr was so kind and supportive. He was so kind and kept telling me to hang on, and just keep going. He also kept apologizing for it being so difficult, because normally it only takes a few seconds. He also told me that in the years he has been practicing medicine, that this had only happened to one other person! I told him that I was honored to be his second case.

When he finally pulled it out (as I embarrassingly screamed the f-word), everyone cheered and clapped. As a joke, I said I was going to keep it and put in my Christmas tree! The doctor laughed and he cleaned it off and gave it to me! LOL! Now I have it as a reminder of the struggle it took to get it out, and the strange humor of the situation.

If there is anything that I learned from this situation it is that I NEVER want to have a natural birth!

In the Holiday Spirit!

Today my husband and I went out to get our Christmas Tree and broke out the Christmas decorations! We had a great time watching Christmas movies and lighting up the house. We don’t have as many decorations as we would like yet, but over the last three years (since we have been married), we have slowly been building it up.

As we were putting up the tree, a thought occurred to me – this may be our last Christmas as just a couple. Next year, it is possible, we will have a baby! It is a very bizarre and exciting thought. My husband said is was exciting to think about buying “baby’s first Christmas” ornaments and baby outfits! I love that he is excited about becoming a father. It makes me even more excited.

I hope you are all having a great weekend!





And anxiety returns

As I have been sharing over the last several weeks, my husband and I are moving forward with beginning our family aka having kids! What we have been talking and praying about, is whether to foster/adopt first or have a biological child first. We had decided to pursue foster/adopting first, however, we reached a mild road block in the process. We have been placed on a waiting list and it will be several months before we actually begin foster care training. Naturally, we were disappointed, however, we revisited the discussion about having a biological child first, and after much praying and talking we have decided to go ahead with trying to get pregnant! 

Foster care is still something we are persuing, but we decided that it is finally time to jump in 100% and begin trying while we wait for training. 

My only concern is my anxiety disorder. I am terrified that once I go off my medication that my hormones will increase the intensity of my anxiety. I want my baby to be healthy and I don’t want my anxiety to get in the way.

Have any of you dealt with an anxiety disorder while pregnant? If so, how did you help yourself? 

An unexpected snag…

We have encountered a snag in our foster care process. As it turns out, there is a bit of a backup in the training in our area, and the entire process may be pushed back a few months. I have to admit that I am incredibly devastated. My husband and I were (and are) 100% in, and ready to move forward. It just is difficult that we are brought to a halt, so unexpectedly.

If you have read my blog in the last week, I have discussed how my husband and I have been praying about the decision on whether we should have our bio-baby first, or foster/adopted-child. Pushing back the foster training a few months makes me wonder if that means we should begin trying to have our bio-baby first?

These questions are so difficult and I wish making a family decisions were easier! Luckily, my anxiety is rather low, considering the situation!

Thank you for listening to my venting!