Nothing Better

There is nothing better, in this world, than being a mother. I love tending to the needs of a tiny human, and exposing her to the joy and magic of the world around her. Creating castles out of blankets, Seeing animals in the clouds, and dancing without music!

There is beauty in the world that can only be seen through the eyes of a child, and she has reopened my eyes. She has given me a fresh energy and curiosity to see everything there is to see! I love my daughter. I love being her mom.

Since she has come into my life, she has helped me fight my anxiety. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up on me, she is right there (as if she knows) with a hug and kiss. When I am able to focus on her, I am able to pull myself out. It’s a beautiful thing.

here we made a reading nook out of the shower since my husband took off the door to replace it. Obviously, it was time to play while Daddy worked!

Nothing Better

It has been awhile since my last post, and I apologize! Things have been so crazy. Life certainly changes after having a child! I use to blog every night before bed. It was my favorite time of day! However, this habit has been replaced with giving a bubble bath, and getting warm cuddles before putting my beautiful daughter down for the night.

Recently, I have been reflecting on the changes I have experienced since Eisley came into the world. Just thinking about how my focus and energy output have realigned and how I am less self-focused than before.

Even though I am exhausted after work, I still make it a priority to sit on the ground and play with Eisley. I may be starving, but I make sure she has dinner before in eat my own. Instead of Netflix Binging I spend hours playing with toys and playing make believe.

Knowing now what sacrifices I would make as a mother, I wouldn’t change a thing! Yes, I do miss watching hours of television without being interrupted (or feeling guilty), and being able to eat a slice of pizza without being disturbed, BUT hearing my daughter laugh, and seeing her grow far outweighs those momentary pleasures. She is everything.

I never fully understood what parents meant when they said their child’s happiness means everything, but now I know. Those are not just words, they are powerful. My world has shifted to ensure that she has joy and love in her life. It’s no longer about me, and what I want. It is about her, and what she wants (without spoiling her too much, of course!)

I love being a mom!! It’s the greatest decision I have ever made. ❤️

My Daughter’s Support

Life feels so much fuller having a child. There is so much more purpose. I always had a focus and a drive in life, but since my daughter entered the picture, everything is different. I strive to make sure she will have the best life possible. That includes her possible fight with anxiety. I pray she doesn’t struggle with it, but if she does, I want to be there for her.

My struggle with anxiety is no secret, and I plan on keeping my transparency with her as well. I want to keep an open dialogue with her about anxiety, so that if it is anything she struggles with in the future, she will feel safe to talk to me about it. I don’t want her to go through it alone.

I thank God everyday for trusting me with my beautiful daughter, and I will do everything in my power to give her the life she deserves. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so. ❤️

Happy Easter!!!

Insecure in my Mommy Skills

The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.

I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.

It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.

I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?

This silly little girl is always up to something!! Today was a difficult day, because of my anxiety. It felt really high most of the day, and I found myself sinking into negativity, but when I saw my beautiful daughter, and held her in my arms, it all melted away. It feels as if God gave me my baby girl to remind me that my anxiety doesn’t control me.

I’m a mom of a 1 Year old!

Whoa! My daughter turned 1 today! It’s really hard to believe that she was born 365 days ago. She was two and a half months early, and weighed only 2 pounds 14 ounces. She was so strong and made it out of the NICU in 10 days with ZERO complications! She is my beautiful Christmas miracle. This year has truly changed my life! I adore being a mom.

1 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I was care-flighted to Phoenix, Arizona (4 hours away from home) due to severe preeclampsia. It was a terrifying day. I went into the hospital early in the morning on December 19, 2016 with a mild contractions. Since it was my first pregnancy, I hadn’t experienced contractions, so naturally I was scared. My husband and I left work early and we went into the ER, and once we got there we were sent to the OB triage.

I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and all kinds of monitors to keep an eye on my daughter. They told us that I was just dehydrated and I just needed to rest. They said I should be back to work by lunch. I remember thinking I was disappointed that I would have to go back to work! I had a cold so I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Having a cold, and being pregnant at the same time is not the greatest feeling.

As time went on, I started to notice the blood pressure cuff was still on my arm and they were continually. I hadn’t thought much of it, but the nurse started asking questions about my blood pressure history. I have never had any issues, and I was starting to get the feeling that something was wrong. However, no one said anything yet, other than just to relax, which, suddenly, was difficult to do.

After nearly an hour of monitoring, the doctor comes in and says he is not happy with the numbers of my blood pressure (204/100something) and he had been on the phone with a doctor in Phoenix, and I was going to be flown out in 15 minutes!! My husband and I were in complete shock! I will always remember my husband, who is normally so brave and composed, crying in the corner of the room as the nursing staff came in and prepped me to be taken to the helicopter. I saw it land right outside the window, and I just felt cold fear. I had no idea what was going on.

I remember telling my husband to grab my journal before he left town so I could write about what was going on with the pregnancy. Even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew it was all going to be apart of my daughter’s story, and I wanted to remember it.

The next thing I know, I am being stuffed into an incredibly tight helicopter and in the care of two technicians I had never seen before. They were very kind and helped me feel more comfortable. It took an hour and a half to fly to Phoenix, and it felt much longer. I couldn’t see very well out of the windows because the gurney I was on was far below the window. I just remember seeing blue sky, and the revolving shadow of the helicopter blades, which made me nauseous.

I spent the entire flight in prayer. I prayed for safety for my daughter. I prayed for calm nerves. I prayed for peace. I prayed for everything. I didn’t know how long I would be away from home, or even when I would see my husband. The only thing I knew was the God was with me, and He was in control – even though I felt completely out of control. I decided in that moment that I was going to trust Him to take care of me. And, I can happily say, He did.

My preeclampsia was too severe and they were unable to lower my blood pressure to a safe level, and my My daughter was born 4 days after I arrived in Phoenix at 30 weeks. She weighed 2 pounds 14 ounces and was absolutely perfect. I didn’t return back home until February 12, 2017! We spent 54 days in Phoenix in the hospital! It was along journey, but it made my family so much stronger. I thank God everyday for how wonderful my daughter is, and for keeping me safe. I know it could have been so much worse.

My loves!

Ok, I feel like this is ridiculously corny, but when I saw my 11 month old daughter fell asleep resting on my husband’s leg, I honestly teared up! I just felt completely overtaken by love. I felt the only way to express it was with tears. None fell though. My eyes just Welled up. But it was such a touching moment! Don’t laugh! ❤️ I’m emotional!