Quiet New Year’s Eve

This New Year’s Eve I am content with staying home with my husband, daughter and dogs, snuggling on the couch.

Last year’s New Year’s Eve my daughter was in the NICU, and we were just told that she had a grade 1 brain bleed. Though, now it has cleared itself and hasn’t caused any long term problems, it was one of the worst days of my life. I can remember the cold sinking feeling that washed over my body.

So this year, I’m going to hold my baby girl closely, and thank God that he blessed the year 2017.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2018 is a year of fresh starts!

Why does a number define us?

Why is it that when I weigh myself, I suddenly feel completely and utterly defeated. I find myself sinking into the mentality that I am less of a woman if the number I see on the scale does not match what I perseve to be perfection. Why is it that I can stand on a scale for 30 seconds and my entire day can be ruined? Why do I allow that number define who I am as a woman? 

I weighed myself today and was devastated by the number I saw staring back at me. I lost an entire evening with my husband to anxiety and anger because of some stupid number. How ridiculous is that?!

I wish I could elequently profess that the number means nothing to me, and curse the society that created a false sense of feminine perfection. But I can’t. Although, I know, and understand, in my rational mind that weight does not define someone’s worth, I have, nevertheless, fallen victim to our society’s brainwashing. I bashfully admit that I internally idolize movie stars for their perfect shapes and flawless glamour. I have found myself wishing I could look like them, because, you’re happy if you’re skinny. Right? 

Even writing those words makes me cringe, but in the darkest recesses of my mind, perhaps it is what I think. Over the years, countless perfect bodies have been depicted on tv shows, movies, ads, and social media that my mind has come to expect this perfection out of myself, and when I have failed time and time again to atain it – I feel unworthy. I feel that my husband won’t love me as much. I won’t do as well at my job. My friends won’t want to hang out with me. No one will ever find me attractive. 

These are thoughts that so many of us share, and it has to stop. We have to know that our worth is NOT measured by the number on the scale. We can and will be loved no matter what shape we are or how many rolls we have. We have to come together and build each other up. Tell someone they are beautiful today. Even better, look in the mirror and tell that to yourself. Look at every inch of yourself and say you are beautiful. Because You Are. 

Star Wars Nails!

I couldn’t resist the Force!

 
 
  

New Year Resolutions as Told by an Anxious Individual

January 1st inevitably brings discussions about how we can better ourselves for the upcoming year. Loose weight. Quit smoking. Stop eating sweets. Go to the gym more. These are all great goals, but I want to make sure that we do not forget that change comes from the inside out. 

This year, instead of focusing on ways we can improve our outside, we need to focus on strengthening our inside. My life long struggle with anxiety has taught me that if my mind is focused on negativity and fear, my outer-self will reflect those thoughts.

I have wasted MANY years praying for God to take away my anxiety. I desperately wanted to be “normal,” and not struggle with fear of everyday activities others seemed to have no issue with completing. I  longed to be able to wake up in the morning without my chest tightening at the thought of getting out of bed. I wanted to sit in the middle of a U shaped booth without having a panic attack. These thoughts and wishes are all very valid, however, they were not helping me on my path towards healing.

During 2015, God taught me that I must first accept my anxiety before I can live my life in peace. That peace does not mean that I will no longer have anxiety. This type of peace is centered around understanding that I will have anxiety for the rest of my life, but (and here is the key) it’s ok. It is apart of who I am. Does it suck? Absolutely. Does it make me any less of a person? No. In fact, I have written many posts about how anxiety has made me a stronger than I ever could have been without it.

Over the years, I have learned techniques to cope with my existing anxiety such as yoga, journaling/blogging, daily bible study, and medication. These strategies have not eliminated my anxiety, but they have helped me gain back control of my life. Anxiety no longer controls me.

This year, as my New Year’s resolution, I am going to work on loving myself – just as I am. Anxiety and all. I am not going to put myself down or try and wish away any of my faults. I am going to work accepting myself and seeing myself as the beautiful creation I was made to be.

I encourage all of you who struggle with self acceptance, to work on the same resolution. You are perfect! Just as you are. Flaws and all. It is what makes you who you are, and who you are is wonderful.

Happy New Year, and may 2016 bring you happiness.

My WordPress Birthday!

Today is my 1 year WordPress birthday! Thank you to everyone who has supported me this year as I have been going through the healing process with my anxiety disorder. I have come such a long way and WordPress has contributed to a huge part of my growth! 

  

Laughing lightens the heart

In the moments when my anxiety has been heaviest, I have discovered that laughter helps me heal. Whether a students makes silly jokes, my husband tries to lighten my burdens, or my dogs are just weird; laughing makes it all seem less painful. 

I have learned that laughing about my struggle with anxiety has truly made the disorder less powerful. Before, I use to keep it hidden in the darkness, but now I can bring it to light and view it with humor. 

Remember to find moments to laugh! You won’t regret it! 

  

You are not defined by…

you are not defined by your past. No matter what has happened to you, it doesn’t mean that is who you are. You are so much more than the events that compile your past. There is no need for you to carry shame. It is a heavy burden. If you are constantly defining yourself by your shame, try to let it go today. You are talented, wonderful and strong. It is a new day and yesterday is gone. 

Define yourself by the good that you spread in this world! 

I love drawing!

It feels so good to be drawing again! I just felt like I didn’t have time anymore, but I have actually be finding that it doesn’t take up too much time. When I am lost in my head space everything else disappears. My anxiety. My stress. My schedule. My concerns. It all disappears as the picture on my page comes to life. It is fantastic therapy! I have been finding that I am less anxious after I have been using my creativity, and that is huge progress! YAY! 

Here is my latest little creation! 

  

My last night

this is my last night as a woman in my 20s. Tomorrow I am officially 30 years old! That means I am no longer a young adult, I’m a full adult! Ah! 🙂

Pursue your interests

For several years, I have wondered if I would be good at painting. In the back of my mind there was always a push towards pursing that hobby but I never thought I had what it took. I have always been very good at drawing with pencil, however, I thought paint wouldn’t work for me. 

Fast forward to last night, I picked up a little paint set that was on sale and I gave painting a shot! I was pleasantly surprised by how it came out! I am glad I took a chance! It may not be amazing, but it is cute! 

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