I have tried to not dwell on my anxiety about going back to work after my maternity leave, and just focus on my daughter these last few days. Just looking at her reminds me of how incredible God is. How far he has carried us over the last four months. I will get through going back to work. God gives me the strength to do it, even when I feel like I can’t. He is my strength.
Anxiety will always be my battle, but it doesn’t always have to win. I choose to take back my mind. It cannot steal anymore time away from me.
Today, I experienced a little bit of anxiety. The most annoying part of the experience was that I didn’t know why I was anxious. That is the worst! It sucks when I can’t identify the cause, because I feel like I can’t actively work to make it better. However, I didn’t let it ruin my day. I snuggled my baby, worked out, got my nails done, had dinner with my husband, and watched Kong: Skull Island (which was pretty good!) I still have a touch of anxiety, about a 1 out of 10, but I did my best to push past it and not let it control me.
What are some ways you have pushed past your anxiety?
Today I drove my brother to the airport at Las Vegas, which is a few hours from where I live, and I had zero anxiety! It was such a smooth and relaxing drive, which I really needed since my time as been devoted to caring for my newborn daughter – She stayed at home with daddy. listened to music and sang as loud as I could! It was fantastic!
Two and a half years ago, On a family trip to Vegas, I was unable to get on a bus because it induced a panic attack. It was a really low moment for me because I had never let my family see how bad my anxiety had gotten. However, shortly after the event, I decided to take a huge step and talk to my doctor about what I can do to help. He started medication, Paxil, and it was the best decision I ever made. I have not had a panic attack since that vacation!
So today felt really special since, considering what I had experienced two years earlier, I was able to relax and drive!
I will be the first person to admit how hard it is to go after your dreams. Ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to write a book. However, every time I come up with a great idea and start writing, I inevitably reach a point where I don’t think it is good enough, and I quit. I think the story isn’t originally enough and no one will read it. I get writers block and I don’t push through. There are several excuses I use to just give up. I have a large folder on my computer desktop filled with half written stories and poems.
However, when we have a been given a passion, we must pursue it even when it gets hard. The hard part is the part that makes us grow In our talent, but in our character.
There are so many reasons to not go out and fulfill your dream, but why should we listen? Why should we comprise? We shouldn’t! We need to grab life by the horns and live our dreams.
Today was a good day! I was able to fit some yoga in between Eisley’s naps so my body, that was once tight and cramped, is feeling pretty good. I was also able to get in about 7 hours of sleep, in 2 hour increments due to her frequent feedings.
HUGE NEWS! She has outgrown her preemie clothes! Tonight I when went to snuggle her into her jammies, they didn’t fit! It was an incredibly exciting moment! A huge anxiety for me concerning Eisley, is her weight. She gains very slowly and is pretty slow with her feedings. She has been like that since her NICU days. So I was relieved to see that she is outgrowing her tiny clothes! YAY!
I thank God for continuing to be with Eisley as she grows and helps her develop. Her first two months have not been easy, by any means, and I know he has been there every step of the way.
There isn’t much to say about the horrific events that have occurred over the last several days that happened in Dallas, Louisiana, and Minnesota. There are no words.
I feel helpless in this situation. Nothing that I can do as an individual will fix this situation, and I like to be able to fix things. However, I do know that if we come together, in love, then we can all make a difference. Love beats out hate, everytime!
After living with an anxiety disorder for 31 years I have found that acceptance was the best decision I ever made. I wasted so many years wishing I had any other affliction. Wishing I was someone else. Cursing myself for being the way I was. However, over the last two years I have stopped being so hard on myself and have finally learned that I am ok. My anxiety doesn’t define me. I am not just an anxiety sufferer. I am a woman with anxiety. I am a woman first. I am so many other things! A writer. Teacher. Wife. Learner. Adventurist. Artist. And so much more. I cannot define myself solely based on my disorder.
I have also learned that , I cannot wish it away. It is part of who I am, and like it or not, it has molded me into the woman that I am today. So, I have learned to accept it. I accept that my life will not always be easy. There will be days when I want to hide away from the world, or days when I don’t understand why I am afraid. I will be frustrated, angry and anxious. That is the hard truth. But on the other side, I will emerge stronger! My anxiety will no longer tear me down. It will build me up even taller. It is part of who I am, and I am finally able love all of me.
Seriously! You are all incredible! I have been reading through your comments and you all have made me feel so loved and supported! You have made me no longer feel like a bad person for not being positive and I truly appreciate you all letting me be honest with my struggles. Life with an anxiety disorder is never easy and with so many life changes right now it starts to feel overwhelming. However, you have all reminded me that it is ok to be weak and allow others to be strong for me! ❤️
Tomorrow we pack up our home and move into our “rental”. In case you missed the info yesterday, the house we have a bid on is locked up with the IRS so since we sold our house and we’re going to be homeless, the relator was able to convince the seller to let us lease the home, for free, for the next six months. During that time we will either find a new house, or the lien will be removed.
So moving into the house is incredibly bittersweet, since it isn’t our home yet, if ever, but we are already in love with it. UGH! I am trying to keep the mindset that it is only temporary but it will be hard not to get attached just yet. However! I am going to try and stay positive and count my blessings because it is incredible that we get to stay there rent free!
Thank you again for all your love and support over this last month and a half. I truly adore you all!
I truly want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your condolences and prayers that have been offered over the last few days. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support you have all showered on me and my husband. So many of you have shared your stories of miscarriage and loss, and my heart goes out to each one of you. However, I truly thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me get through this.
Since getting pregnant, I have felt, oddly, emotionally stable. Normally I experience nearly every emotion known to woman kind within three hours of waking up. However, I have been able to stay even-keel for two entire days! (This does NOT include moments when I am hungry.)