Cuddles are the best
I love our family time
Snuggle, snuggle, snug!
Cuddles are the best
I love our family time
Snuggle, snuggle, snug!
My heart is so full
Bursting right out of my chest
It’s for my daughter
This weekend was much needed! It started off with our school’s basketball team having a chance to play on the Phoenix Suns’ court and then being able to go see the game! It was a blast! My husband and I don’t normally go to many sporting events, but i think that is going to change! We loved it! Our daughter, who is one, did too! She was so good.
Then yesterday we took our daughter to an aquarium for the first time, and watching her see the ocean animals for the first time, was magical! I love being able to have the opportunity, and the means, to take her to different places to learn about the world around her.
Sometimes it is important to get away! We leave several hours outside of Phoenix, and it was time for us to go on a family adventure. Not only is it refreshing, but it was also good for our marriage! We can just have fun together as a family, instead of worrying about everything!
It has been amazing
The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.
Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.
I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.
It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.
I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?
My heart fills with happiness.
Anxiety is chased away,
When we are together.
I thank God for this life.
Things use to be dark.
But God gave me strength,
To pull through.
Even though life throws curveballs
Those I love always stand by my side.
They give me strength when I’m weak.
They are my everything!
Today marks the one year anniversary of when I was care-flighted to Phoenix, Arizona (4 hours away from home) due to severe preeclampsia. It was a terrifying day. I went into the hospital early in the morning on December 19, 2016 with a mild contractions. Since it was my first pregnancy, I hadn’t experienced contractions, so naturally I was scared. My husband and I left work early and we went into the ER, and once we got there we were sent to the OB triage.
I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and all kinds of monitors to keep an eye on my daughter. They told us that I was just dehydrated and I just needed to rest. They said I should be back to work by lunch. I remember thinking I was disappointed that I would have to go back to work! I had a cold so I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Having a cold, and being pregnant at the same time is not the greatest feeling.
As time went on, I started to notice the blood pressure cuff was still on my arm and they were continually. I hadn’t thought much of it, but the nurse started asking questions about my blood pressure history. I have never had any issues, and I was starting to get the feeling that something was wrong. However, no one said anything yet, other than just to relax, which, suddenly, was difficult to do.
After nearly an hour of monitoring, the doctor comes in and says he is not happy with the numbers of my blood pressure (204/100something) and he had been on the phone with a doctor in Phoenix, and I was going to be flown out in 15 minutes!! My husband and I were in complete shock! I will always remember my husband, who is normally so brave and composed, crying in the corner of the room as the nursing staff came in and prepped me to be taken to the helicopter. I saw it land right outside the window, and I just felt cold fear. I had no idea what was going on.
I remember telling my husband to grab my journal before he left town so I could write about what was going on with the pregnancy. Even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew it was all going to be apart of my daughter’s story, and I wanted to remember it.
The next thing I know, I am being stuffed into an incredibly tight helicopter and in the care of two technicians I had never seen before. They were very kind and helped me feel more comfortable. It took an hour and a half to fly to Phoenix, and it felt much longer. I couldn’t see very well out of the windows because the gurney I was on was far below the window. I just remember seeing blue sky, and the revolving shadow of the helicopter blades, which made me nauseous.
I spent the entire flight in prayer. I prayed for safety for my daughter. I prayed for calm nerves. I prayed for peace. I prayed for everything. I didn’t know how long I would be away from home, or even when I would see my husband. The only thing I knew was the God was with me, and He was in control – even though I felt completely out of control. I decided in that moment that I was going to trust Him to take care of me. And, I can happily say, He did.
My preeclampsia was too severe and they were unable to lower my blood pressure to a safe level, and my My daughter was born 4 days after I arrived in Phoenix at 30 weeks. She weighed 2 pounds 14 ounces and was absolutely perfect. I didn’t return back home until February 12, 2017! We spent 54 days in Phoenix in the hospital! It was along journey, but it made my family so much stronger. I thank God everyday for how wonderful my daughter is, and for keeping me safe. I know it could have been so much worse.
When I look at you and see your smile,
My heart stops.
Your laugh brings joy to my heart!
Your tiny hand that grips my finger,
Holds my heart.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
To my Joy. My beautiful daughter. It’s hard to believe she is going to be 1 year old in two weeks! Slow down time!
Over the last few months, breastmilk has ruled my life! I pump a million times a day, and constantly worry if I am producing enough milk for my LO. BUT no more!
Here’s a quick little back story for those who haven’t read my previous posts. December 23, 2016 my daughter came into the world 10 weeks early because of my severe preeclampsia. After 50 days in the NICU, she is 100% healthy and beautiful!
Ever since she was born, I have been pumping breastmilk, however, my milk does not have enough calories to give her enough weight. Our doctor told us that we need to switch to exclusively using formula to fatten her up. It was difficult to hear that I was able to provide her with enough fat, but I have been trying to focus on the positive.
Since switching over to formula, she has put on nearly a pound in just a week! Yay! As for pumping, I have been weaning myself off the pump, and today is my first day without pumping! It’s incredible and terrifying at the same time. I didn’t expect so much guilt to come along with quitting, but I also have so much more time on my hands! I am learning that being a mom is all about conflicting emotions!
It has been a crazy month, and I apologize for not posting much. Things are going really well with my baby girl! She continues to grow slowly but surely. She is up to 8 lbs 4 oz now!! She has quadrupled in size over the last five months. She ha started baby talking now, and it is incredible!
My anxiety has come back a little bit, but not enough to take control. It has gotten much over a 5 out of 10. I have been combating it with prayer and positive self talk. As much as I would like to say that I have gotten ride of my anxiety, I know that I can’t because it is part of who I am. It may be a weakness, however, I use it to give me strength. It won’t control me or take any time away from my daughter!
I am feeling overwhelmed with my anxiety today, and it sucks. Through third hand information, today I heard that my mother-in-law has been having a hard time watching my baby while I have been at work. She has been crying out of frustration over it. Now, for a bit of backstory, my MIL has been running daycare out of her home for many years, and she just started watching my daughter on May 1 when I went back to work. My daughter was born 10 weeks early, and it has been a huge deal that she is finally able to go to “daycare” with grandma.
So, back to hearing about my MIL today. My nail tech, who is a good friend of mine, told me today that one of her clients grandchildren also go to my MIL for daycare. That woman had mentioned that my MIL had been crying about How colicky my daughter is and how hard it has been adjusting. I have known she has been having a hard time because she has cried to me about it as well. However it really took me by surprise to hear it second hand. I just didn’t expect her to tell other people about it.
I understand the need to talk about it, but it honestly made me angry to hear that. I’m not sure why exactly, but I think it is because it is something negative about my child. I know my MIL loves my daughter, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
This week my MIL has clearly been frustrated because every day I picked up my daughter she had nothing good to say about how the day went. My anxiety spiked because I dreaded going to pick her up and having to hear what went wrong.
My MIL actually has an anxiety disorder as well, severe OCD along with others, but she doesn’t handle it very well so I think that is playing a part in her feeling so overwhelmed. I am trying my best to be understanding, but I am just feeling very hurt.
When I am with my daughter I don’t feel she is an overly colicky baby. She cries like any baby when she is hungry or annoyed, but not all day long. I just don’t know how to handle my anxiety in this situation because I have never been in a situation like this before. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but that didn’t go over very well. 😒
I am going to put the situation in God’s hands and let him give me strength to get through it.
Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do?