Finding Myself Today!

Yesterday I was really struggling with the idea that I can no longer experience carefree moments or spontaneous adventures. Well, today instead of wallowing in”poor me”, I decided to be proactive! I took my daughter and husband outside and we all played in the sprinklers! It felt so great to run around in the water and laugh hysterically!

Sometimes in the rush of responsibility and parenthood I forget to find the joy in the everyday. My daughter’s laugh and her enormous smile when in tickle her! My husband’s lips on mine as he says good morning. These moments are perfect.

I need to make sure I don’t take them for granted.

Here is the smile that lights my heart on fire!

Onward!

We have reached Utah on our family road trip! It has been such an amazing bonding experience for all of us over the last week and a half! Today, we hiked along the Virgin River leading to the Narrows at Zion National Park! My daughter had her little feet in the river and was able to slash around! It was adorable to watch her enjoy the beauty of nature around her! My husband and I are hoping to encourage her to continue her love of nature as she grows up!

Oh! And I had ZERO anxiety today! WONDERFUL!

Weekly progress

This week my anxiety has been a little higher than normal. This is mostly related to my “monthly visitor” but, regardless, I have had a difficult time managing it. Most of my frustration was put on my husband, which is completely unfair. He is an incredible man, and doesn’t deserve to be the barer of my anxiety. He was very understanding, even though he did call me out on it (which is why I love him).

I found I was also anxious about my daughter growing up too fast! She is only 15 months, but since she has been walking she seems to have blossomed into an adorable little toddler. What the heck? It is overwhelming sometimes to think about how fast time goes, and I don’t want to loose these precious little moments with her now. I know I am overreacting a little, but it’s honest. I want to keep her safe from the world forever, and always cuddle her at bedtime.

To help my anxiety, I have been spending more time in the Word and in prayer. This has helped immensely. After my time with God, I have felt lighter and less anxious. I Am going to work on continuing to draw close to God when I am anxious, and not take it out on those I love the most! ❤️

My Daughter’s Support

Life feels so much fuller having a child. There is so much more purpose. I always had a focus and a drive in life, but since my daughter entered the picture, everything is different. I strive to make sure she will have the best life possible. That includes her possible fight with anxiety. I pray she doesn’t struggle with it, but if she does, I want to be there for her.

My struggle with anxiety is no secret, and I plan on keeping my transparency with her as well. I want to keep an open dialogue with her about anxiety, so that if it is anything she struggles with in the future, she will feel safe to talk to me about it. I don’t want her to go through it alone.

I thank God everyday for trusting me with my beautiful daughter, and I will do everything in my power to give her the life she deserves. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so. ❤️

Happy Easter!!!

Getting away from it all!

This weekend was much needed! It started off with our school’s basketball team having a chance to play on the Phoenix Suns’ court and then being able to go see the game! It was a blast! My husband and I don’t normally go to many sporting events, but i think that is going to change! We loved it! Our daughter, who is one, did too! She was so good.

Then yesterday we took our daughter to an aquarium for the first time, and watching her see the ocean animals for the first time, was magical! I love being able to have the opportunity, and the means, to take her to different places to learn about the world around her.

Sometimes it is important to get away! We leave several hours outside of Phoenix, and it was time for us to go on a family adventure. Not only is it refreshing, but it was also good for our marriage! We can just have fun together as a family, instead of worrying about everything!

It has been amazing

Insecure in my Mommy Skills

The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.

I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.

It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.

I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?

Family Pulls Me Through

My heart fills with happiness.

Anxiety is chased away,

When we are together.

 

I thank God for this life.

Things use to be dark.

But God gave me strength,

To pull through.

 

Even though life throws curveballs

Those I love always stand by my side.

They give me strength when I’m weak.

They are my everything!

1 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I was care-flighted to Phoenix, Arizona (4 hours away from home) due to severe preeclampsia. It was a terrifying day. I went into the hospital early in the morning on December 19, 2016 with a mild contractions. Since it was my first pregnancy, I hadn’t experienced contractions, so naturally I was scared. My husband and I left work early and we went into the ER, and once we got there we were sent to the OB triage.

I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and all kinds of monitors to keep an eye on my daughter. They told us that I was just dehydrated and I just needed to rest. They said I should be back to work by lunch. I remember thinking I was disappointed that I would have to go back to work! I had a cold so I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Having a cold, and being pregnant at the same time is not the greatest feeling.

As time went on, I started to notice the blood pressure cuff was still on my arm and they were continually. I hadn’t thought much of it, but the nurse started asking questions about my blood pressure history. I have never had any issues, and I was starting to get the feeling that something was wrong. However, no one said anything yet, other than just to relax, which, suddenly, was difficult to do.

After nearly an hour of monitoring, the doctor comes in and says he is not happy with the numbers of my blood pressure (204/100something) and he had been on the phone with a doctor in Phoenix, and I was going to be flown out in 15 minutes!! My husband and I were in complete shock! I will always remember my husband, who is normally so brave and composed, crying in the corner of the room as the nursing staff came in and prepped me to be taken to the helicopter. I saw it land right outside the window, and I just felt cold fear. I had no idea what was going on.

I remember telling my husband to grab my journal before he left town so I could write about what was going on with the pregnancy. Even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew it was all going to be apart of my daughter’s story, and I wanted to remember it.

The next thing I know, I am being stuffed into an incredibly tight helicopter and in the care of two technicians I had never seen before. They were very kind and helped me feel more comfortable. It took an hour and a half to fly to Phoenix, and it felt much longer. I couldn’t see very well out of the windows because the gurney I was on was far below the window. I just remember seeing blue sky, and the revolving shadow of the helicopter blades, which made me nauseous.

I spent the entire flight in prayer. I prayed for safety for my daughter. I prayed for calm nerves. I prayed for peace. I prayed for everything. I didn’t know how long I would be away from home, or even when I would see my husband. The only thing I knew was the God was with me, and He was in control – even though I felt completely out of control. I decided in that moment that I was going to trust Him to take care of me. And, I can happily say, He did.

My preeclampsia was too severe and they were unable to lower my blood pressure to a safe level, and my My daughter was born 4 days after I arrived in Phoenix at 30 weeks. She weighed 2 pounds 14 ounces and was absolutely perfect. I didn’t return back home until February 12, 2017! We spent 54 days in Phoenix in the hospital! It was along journey, but it made my family so much stronger. I thank God everyday for how wonderful my daughter is, and for keeping me safe. I know it could have been so much worse.