The flow of feelings
Takes over my thoughts.
Sometimes it feels too much
With emotions so strong.
These all eb and flow
Through my mind
As I think of You.
My beautiful child.
Only you can ignite
Such strong emotions.
To fiercely love you
Every moment of the day.
And to destroy anything
That comes against you.
How crazy it is to be a mom.
But call me crazy!
I don’t want
Yesterday I was really struggling with the idea that I can no longer experience carefree moments or spontaneous adventures. Well, today instead of wallowing in”poor me”, I decided to be proactive! I took my daughter and husband outside and we all played in the sprinklers! It felt so great to run around in the water and laugh hysterically!
Sometimes in the rush of responsibility and parenthood I forget to find the joy in the everyday. My daughter’s laugh and her enormous smile when in tickle her! My husband’s lips on mine as he says good morning. These moments are perfect.
I need to make sure I don’t take them for granted.
Here is the smile that lights my heart on fire!
We have reached Utah on our family road trip! It has been such an amazing bonding experience for all of us over the last week and a half! Today, we hiked along the Virgin River leading to the Narrows at Zion National Park! My daughter had her little feet in the river and was able to slash around! It was adorable to watch her enjoy the beauty of nature around her! My husband and I are hoping to encourage her to continue her love of nature as she grows up!
Oh! And I had ZERO anxiety today! WONDERFUL!
This week my anxiety has been a little higher than normal. This is mostly related to my “monthly visitor” but, regardless, I have had a difficult time managing it. Most of my frustration was put on my husband, which is completely unfair. He is an incredible man, and doesn’t deserve to be the barer of my anxiety. He was very understanding, even though he did call me out on it (which is why I love him).
I found I was also anxious about my daughter growing up too fast! She is only 15 months, but since she has been walking she seems to have blossomed into an adorable little toddler. What the heck? It is overwhelming sometimes to think about how fast time goes, and I don’t want to loose these precious little moments with her now. I know I am overreacting a little, but it’s honest. I want to keep her safe from the world forever, and always cuddle her at bedtime.
To help my anxiety, I have been spending more time in the Word and in prayer. This has helped immensely. After my time with God, I have felt lighter and less anxious. I Am going to work on continuing to draw close to God when I am anxious, and not take it out on those I love the most! ❤️
Life feels so much fuller having a child. There is so much more purpose. I always had a focus and a drive in life, but since my daughter entered the picture, everything is different. I strive to make sure she will have the best life possible. That includes her possible fight with anxiety. I pray she doesn’t struggle with it, but if she does, I want to be there for her.
My struggle with anxiety is no secret, and I plan on keeping my transparency with her as well. I want to keep an open dialogue with her about anxiety, so that if it is anything she struggles with in the future, she will feel safe to talk to me about it. I don’t want her to go through it alone.
I thank God everyday for trusting me with my beautiful daughter, and I will do everything in my power to give her the life she deserves. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so. ❤️
My heart is so full
Bursting right out of my chest
It’s for my daughter
This weekend was much needed! It started off with our school’s basketball team having a chance to play on the Phoenix Suns’ court and then being able to go see the game! It was a blast! My husband and I don’t normally go to many sporting events, but i think that is going to change! We loved it! Our daughter, who is one, did too! She was so good.
Then yesterday we took our daughter to an aquarium for the first time, and watching her see the ocean animals for the first time, was magical! I love being able to have the opportunity, and the means, to take her to different places to learn about the world around her.
Sometimes it is important to get away! We leave several hours outside of Phoenix, and it was time for us to go on a family adventure. Not only is it refreshing, but it was also good for our marriage! We can just have fun together as a family, instead of worrying about everything!
It has been amazing
The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.
Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.
I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.
It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.
I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?
My heart fills with happiness.
Anxiety is chased away,
When we are together.
I thank God for this life.
Things use to be dark.
But God gave me strength,
To pull through.
Even though life throws curveballs
Those I love always stand by my side.
They give me strength when I’m weak.
They are my everything!