Follow your dream

I will be the first person to admit how hard it is to go after your dreams. Ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to write a book. However, every time I come up with a great idea and start writing, I inevitably reach a point where I don’t think it is good enough, and I quit. I think the story isn’t originally enough and no one will read it. I get writers block and I don’t push through. There are several excuses I use to just give up. I have a large folder on my computer desktop filled with half written stories and poems.

However, when we have a been given a passion, we must pursue it even when it gets hard. The hard part is the part that makes us grow In our talent, but in our character. 

There are so many reasons to not go out and fulfill your dream, but why should we listen? Why should we comprise? We shouldn’t! We need to grab life  by the horns and live our dreams. 

Today, Anxiety did not win!

As I posted yesterday, I have had ruminations and reoccurring thoughts about getting sick in public A LOT since I have gotten pregnant. To summarize yesterday’s post, these thoughts have slowly taken over my thought patterns and have been keeping me from doing much outside of work or home. 

So today, my husband and I went to Las Vegas (about an hour from our home) to pick up my brother at the airport. Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of my thought energy on being nervous about the trip due to my frequent “morning” sickness. I didn’t want to get sick while on the road, or when I was trying to walk around the city. However, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time in prayer working to renew my mind, break down these thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I no longer want to be controlled by my anxiety.

I am happy to report that I did not have any anxiety today on our trip! I am beyond thrilled and I am I immensely proud of myself for getting outside my pregnancy comfort zone! I had an amazing day! 

Allow Happiness In

Letting go of fears and anxieties is incredibly difficult. There are so many logical (and even illogical) reasons to hold on to those feelings, but there comes a point where we have to let them go. To allow happiness to fill you from the inside out. It is ok to be happy. It is ok to enjoy something good that comes your way. You may not think your deserve it, or that it could last, but just remember that you DO deserve happiness! You deserve every ounce of joy and it is ok to soak it up. You don’t have to live your life afraid of anything good that comes your way. That is no way to live your life.

Let happiness in. Bask in the bright parts of life. Don’t let anxiety and fear get in your way. Push past them and remember that you are amazing and you deserve it.

Strength is developed through trials

Right now, the struggle feels impossible,

And all you feel is pain.

But do not think to give up,

Because when it’s done, strength is what you gain. 

Emotions run high

Have you ever felt complex drained of all emotion, and you are left feeling utterly exhausted? Well, that is where I am right now. The past 24 hours have been very challenging emotionally. I had some drama, which I hate, at work, and it all left me very upset and ridiculously anxious. I must say the only thing that got me through the day was the support and love of my friends. They are incredible and wonderful, and there is not enough praise in their world for me to give them. 

I think it is virtually impossible to fight anxiety alone. I also think it is difficult to go through any struggle on your own. Friends and family are so important to help ease our struggles and help us in our darkest days. Today was difficult but my friends were there for me and I was able to get through it! They loved me just as I am! 

Baby Fever Continues

I am finding that the closer I come to 30, just over 1 month, the higher my baby fever roses. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have always had a concern about how my body will react to pregnancy, my anxiety in particular. About a month ago I went and spoke with my doctor and discussed my options. I am happy that there are options for women with anxiety who become pregnant. I feel that a weight is off my shoulders now and I can have actually have a baby and most of my fears are just that. Fear. I have an amazing husband and family who will be there for me and help me every step of the way! I am looking forward to seeing what this year brings! Perhaps there will be a little one now that that is possible! YAY!

Back in Arizona

I have finally made it back to Arizona after 8 or so hours traveling!! It was bitter sweet leaving my family, but I knew my husband was waiting for me. So my emotions were conflicted. It’s hard saying goodbye.

I am proud of myself for handling my anxiety while my flight experienced turbulence! I have to admit: I was terrified! We shook up and down and even sideways! Oh my goodness! I felt like I was the only one stressed, but I only felt stressed out, not overly anxious. My heart jumped up to my throat for awhile, but no panic attack followed! I am grateful for that becauseI definitely wouldn’t want to have one in front of so many people. Whenever the plane rocked around I just tried to refocus my thoughts, stayed positive, and prayed A LOT! LOL!

I am happy to be back home and in the arms of my husband! I missed him
So much over the last nine days, and it feels so wonderful to be next to him again! I had a fantastic time With my parents and brother and I can’t wait until I get to see them again!

Anxiety hasn’t visited me in awhile

I have realized that I have gone a long stretch of time without being bother by my pesky friend, anxiety! I had a mild bout with her about a week ago but nothing much before that and none since I have been on vacation at my parents house! It feels liberating to be able to go days, almost weeks without it! I am loving the freedom of living in the moment and absorbing the joy and emotions of the atmosphere. With my anxiety, I had no room for any other feeling. Now there is plenty of room to experience an array of emotions I haven’t felt in a long time!

Just in time for Christmas!

My family accepts my anxiety!

Yesterday my father and mother spoke open and honestly with me about my anxiety and all that I have been learning about it. It was an amazing conversation because there was zero judgement or negativity. They were curious to learn about what I had discovered and hear all about my blog. My father even suggested that I can use my experiences with anxiety to write a book! (Great idea dad!)

It felt so good to be able to feel my anxiety was accepted by my parents. It’s a difficult subject to discuss and I’m sure they never wanted their daughter to struggle with the disorder. However, the last time they had seen me (in June) I was a complete mess. My anxiety had taken over and I was very sick. I could tell they were really worried about me because they had no idea it has gotten so bad, and it was easy to make it not seem like a big deal when we only get to talk through FaceTime. I don’t think I kept it from them on purpose, but I think deep down I was ashamed. I am learning, however, that it’s not my fault. It’s a chemical issue. Not a personal one. I think my parents are learning that too. It’s not a lack of good parenting, because they are incredible parents. They are learning, along side me, that anxiety is a chemical imbalance.

It felt amazing to be so healthy and be able to show them how much I have grown. They told me they could see a huge difference and they were so proud of me! It is wonderful that these walls have been broken down and we have bonded over something that was meant to destroy us! We are a strong family!

If you are debating telling your family about your mental illness, take the risk! I didn’t think it would be as easy as it was, and had I known they would be so accepting, I would have told them the extent of the problem years ago! I love love LOVE my family!

Panic attack free!

I am beyond proud of myself and the healing journey I have been undertaking over the last few months. I hit a huge milestone today! I needed to buy groceries and I decided to go to Walmart, since I needed to pick up my Christmas Cards. When I was ready for check out, I noticed that only 2 lanes were open and there were several hundred people at the store. The line was nearly 15-20 people deep! My natural reaction would be to leave the cart, groceries and all, and sprint as fast as I could back to my car. However, I fought the urge to flee. I waited in line for at least 30 minutes and not once during that time did I get anxious! I couldn’t believe it! All of my dedication to wellness is finally paying off!! Last year at this time there is no way I could have stood in line with that many people.

Remember that if you are in a place of hopelessness, that there is always time to heal. There is time to grow and learn to live with anxiety or depression or any other mental illness. Do not write yourself off! You are strong!