Back to Work

Tomorrow I will be going back after being on maternity leave for 4 months. If you are new to my blog, my daughter was born 10 weeks premature, and spent 50 days in the NICU. She is healthy and wonderful! We have been so blessed through the entire experience. It is the best case scenario that came out of a terrible situation.

So now, after four months, I am heading back! I am a middle school gifted teacher and I have really been missing my kiddos and being able to be creative in my classroom. I love being a teacher, and i love my job. It will be nice to be back.

However, I am still expreicing some anxiety and guilt about going back. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way before my daughter was born. But now that she is here, I want to hold her in my arms every moment of the day. She will be staying at her grandmother’s house, who runs a private daycare out of her home, so that is incredible. I know my daughter will be in wonderful hands. It doesn’t take away all of the sting though.

Tomorrow will be hard, but I will be able to get through it with God’s strength. I will not let my anxiety or guilt take over. I know my baby is safe, and she will be happy with her grandma. ūüôā But keep me in your prayers anyway! LOL

End of Maternity Leave Anxiety

I have about two and a half weeks left of my maternity leave, and I am starting to get anxious about going back. Not because I have to work. I love my job. I am getting anxious about leaving my daughter. Granted, she will be staying with my MIL, which is such a blessing, but it won’t be the same. My daughter, Eisley, and I have been together since the day she was born, December 23. She was 10 weeks early, so I have stayed with her for an extra long time. She is healthy and strong, but I despise the idea of not being with her. 

The first 50 days of Eisley’s life were spent in the NICU, my husband and I would only get to see her for part of the day. A few hours. We stayed at my sister in law’s house which was 15 minutes from the hospital, and we would go there at night. I think a part of me feels a little bit like I did when we would leave her at the hospital. 

I never thought I would have a difficult time going back to work. These emotions are confusing and new for me. I am not sure how to handle them.

For you working moms, how did you handle going back to work after your leave? 

Here is Eisley trying to hide from me when I tried to wake her up this morning! How can I leave this little thing?!

Powerful Emotions

Since becoming a parent, I have noticed that my emotions are bigger and deeper than I ever thought possible. I have a difficult time watching shows or movies where children are hurt or seperated from their parents, because I can fully understand how it would feel. 

Today I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was about a pregnant woman who died after a car crash, but her baby was saved. This story felt a lot like my own since I was rushed to the hospital with extreme preeclampsia and my family stayed for a week with me. Clearly, I didn’t die nor did my precious baby, but the story felt too close to home. Since I watched the episode, I have experienced anxiety. Although I got to take my baby home from the hospital almost two months ago, I can still feel every emotion clearly. The fear. The anxiety. The helplessness. I will never forget those feelings. 

I praise God every day, every moment, that I hold my daughter in my arms. He is who saved us. He brought us through the desert of pain and heartbreak into a oasis of life and love. 

Three months!

It has been 3 months since my darling daughter entered this world 2 and a half months early; weighing only 2 lbs 14 oz. These last three months have been a wild roller-coaster of constantly shifting emotions, but i know God has been in control the entire time. Eisley is healthy, and beautiful! She weighs 6 lbs 5 oz now and is feisty as ever! I love this girl so much! 

My Anxiety Cure

When I get anxious, my chest tightens and there are times when I feel like I can’t breathe. I have discovered that when I am feeling anxious and my beautiful baby girl is cuddled on my chest, all my anxiety disappears. She truly makes me happy to the core. It is such an incredible feeling. 

Getting into the Groove

Since my baby, Eisley, has been home for about a month now, I feel like I have gotten into a pretty good groove. I may not have a “to the minute” routine, but I do have a loose one. Since she is so small developmentally still, she eats about every two hours, so there isn’t much to do that doesn’t involve feeding. 

The first two weeks that we were home, after being in the NICU for so long, were really difficult emotionally. My husband and I had a lot of support from the doctors and nurses and now we only have each other. Then, a few days after we brought her home, my husband went back to work, so I was all alone! I know this is something most of us moms go through, but I wasn’t prepared for that! I actually couldn’t think much beyond delivery! Birth was the scariest part for me, and gave me the most anxiety. I didn’t give much thought to what came after that. And I certainly didn’t think a 50 day stay in the NICU would be apart of the process. 

However, now that a few more weeks have passed, I am feeling more at ease with Eisley (my baby) and have adjusted my mindset in a more positive direction. I have been making sure to read scripture everyday so that I can make sure I can have strength and wisdom to make it through each day. An infant is A LOT of work! Goodness! ‚̧

A Painful Journey that Results in Joy

Many of my past posts have been about the journey my husband and I had on our way to parenthood. were we going to foster to adopt (it is still on the table for down the road) or have our own first? Did I want to be pregnant? Because if I did, it could mean my anxiety could be intensified. But inspire of all the questions and uncertainty, we decided to move forward and try to get pregnant.

We ended up getting pregnant in February of last year, but we had a miscarriage six weeks in. It was painful. More than I ever would have thought it would be. We put babies on hold for a little while, and then on our first try after the miscarriage, we got pregnant! Then, as previous posts outline, I developed severe preeclampsia and she had to be delivered at 30 weeks 1 day. At 2 pounds 14 oz, she was perfect! No sickness, or abnormalities. Just tiny. She is now over 5 pounds and amazing. 

All of the hardship and struggle has worked out in such a beautiful way. 

God has blessed me with more than I could have ever hoped for. I never knew my heart could be so full. Even though so much of our pregnancy journey was stressful, my anxiety never took over. I was able to stay in control and it never reared its ugly head. I know god helped keep me balanced. I couldn’t have made it through without Him. I am so thankful. 

No Longer a Preemie (clothing wise)!

Today was a good day! I was able to fit some yoga in between Eisley’s naps so my body, that was once tight and cramped, is feeling pretty good. I was also able to get in about 7 hours of sleep, in 2 hour increments due to her frequent feedings. 

HUGE NEWS! She has outgrown her preemie clothes! Tonight I when went to snuggle her into her jammies, they didn’t fit! It was an incredibly exciting moment! A huge anxiety for me concerning Eisley, is her weight. She gains very slowly and is pretty slow with her feedings. She has been like that since her NICU days. So I was relieved to see that she is outgrowing her tiny clothes! YAY! 

I thank God for continuing to be with Eisley as she grows and helps her develop. Her first two months have not been easy, by any means, and I know he has been there every step of the way. 

Eisley was very excited for her breakfast!

Waiting to Leave

My baby girl is doing an incredible job in the NICU! The only hurdle she has to conquer before we go home is eating on her own. Slowly but surly she is getting there. I am so proud of her. 

However, I have to admit that I have some anxiety about this process. We have been in the NICU, 3 hours away from home, for 34 days and I desperately want to go home. Inside I feel so much anxiety and pressure for her to be able to eat. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know she is still learning and it’s hard for her, but a part of me just wants her to hurry up and do it so I can take her home. 

Right now we are using a bottle to feed her since she is so small. It’s easier to tell how much she drank compared to breast feeding. However I feel anxious that I am not breastfeeding too. It is something I want to do but she found it more difficult that using the bottle. There are just so many emotions with this part of our NICU journey! I am feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. 

However, I know God is in control and His plan is perfect. We are here in the NICU for a reason. He has brought our baby girl so far and he will continue to do so. I just need to remember that. ‚̧