Getting into the Groove

Since my baby, Eisley, has been home for about a month now, I feel like I have gotten into a pretty good groove. I may not have a “to the minute” routine, but I do have a loose one. Since she is so small developmentally still, she eats about every two hours, so there isn’t much to do that doesn’t involve feeding. 

The first two weeks that we were home, after being in the NICU for so long, were really difficult emotionally. My husband and I had a lot of support from the doctors and nurses and now we only have each other. Then, a few days after we brought her home, my husband went back to work, so I was all alone! I know this is something most of us moms go through, but I wasn’t prepared for that! I actually couldn’t think much beyond delivery! Birth was the scariest part for me, and gave me the most anxiety. I didn’t give much thought to what came after that. And I certainly didn’t think a 50 day stay in the NICU would be apart of the process. 

However, now that a few more weeks have passed, I am feeling more at ease with Eisley (my baby) and have adjusted my mindset in a more positive direction. I have been making sure to read scripture everyday so that I can make sure I can have strength and wisdom to make it through each day. An infant is A LOT of work! Goodness! ❤

A Painful Journey that Results in Joy

Many of my past posts have been about the journey my husband and I had on our way to parenthood. were we going to foster to adopt (it is still on the table for down the road) or have our own first? Did I want to be pregnant? Because if I did, it could mean my anxiety could be intensified. But inspire of all the questions and uncertainty, we decided to move forward and try to get pregnant.

We ended up getting pregnant in February of last year, but we had a miscarriage six weeks in. It was painful. More than I ever would have thought it would be. We put babies on hold for a little while, and then on our first try after the miscarriage, we got pregnant! Then, as previous posts outline, I developed severe preeclampsia and she had to be delivered at 30 weeks 1 day. At 2 pounds 14 oz, she was perfect! No sickness, or abnormalities. Just tiny. She is now over 5 pounds and amazing. 

All of the hardship and struggle has worked out in such a beautiful way. 

God has blessed me with more than I could have ever hoped for. I never knew my heart could be so full. Even though so much of our pregnancy journey was stressful, my anxiety never took over. I was able to stay in control and it never reared its ugly head. I know god helped keep me balanced. I couldn’t have made it through without Him. I am so thankful. 

No Longer a Preemie (clothing wise)!

Today was a good day! I was able to fit some yoga in between Eisley’s naps so my body, that was once tight and cramped, is feeling pretty good. I was also able to get in about 7 hours of sleep, in 2 hour increments due to her frequent feedings. 

HUGE NEWS! She has outgrown her preemie clothes! Tonight I when went to snuggle her into her jammies, they didn’t fit! It was an incredibly exciting moment! A huge anxiety for me concerning Eisley, is her weight. She gains very slowly and is pretty slow with her feedings. She has been like that since her NICU days. So I was relieved to see that she is outgrowing her tiny clothes! YAY! 

I thank God for continuing to be with Eisley as she grows and helps her develop. Her first two months have not been easy, by any means, and I know he has been there every step of the way. 

Eisley was very excited for her breakfast!

Waiting to Leave

My baby girl is doing an incredible job in the NICU! The only hurdle she has to conquer before we go home is eating on her own. Slowly but surly she is getting there. I am so proud of her. 

However, I have to admit that I have some anxiety about this process. We have been in the NICU, 3 hours away from home, for 34 days and I desperately want to go home. Inside I feel so much anxiety and pressure for her to be able to eat. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know she is still learning and it’s hard for her, but a part of me just wants her to hurry up and do it so I can take her home. 

Right now we are using a bottle to feed her since she is so small. It’s easier to tell how much she drank compared to breast feeding. However I feel anxious that I am not breastfeeding too. It is something I want to do but she found it more difficult that using the bottle. There are just so many emotions with this part of our NICU journey! I am feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. 

However, I know God is in control and His plan is perfect. We are here in the NICU for a reason. He has brought our baby girl so far and he will continue to do so. I just need to remember that. ❤

Missing my baby…

Being a NICU mom is incredibly challenging. It is day 26 for Eisley in the NICU, she is doing great, but as I wake up at 2 am to pump, I wish she was here with me instead of at the hospital. I wish that I was breastfeeding here and comforting her in the middle of the night instead of setting an alarm to pump into bottles for her NICU stockpile. I wish I could hold her and snuggle her right now and not have to wait until my 20 minute car ride later today. 

I know that God has a plan for all of this, and I trust Him completely. He knows that my heart yearns for my baby girl to be near me, and he understands the ache. Even though this journey is unbelievably difficult, I know He is here with me every step of the way, holding me up and giving me strength. 

Going well!

If you were able to read my last post, on Dec 23 my baby girl – Eisley – arrived 10 weeks early. She has been doing really well. She is breathing on her own for the last few weeks, has been putting on weight and then yesterday she had the temperature in her incubator bed. We were able to put clothes on for the first time, and it was such an exciting moment. She wasn’t overly excited about wearing clothes, but once she was snuggled in, she settled down.

Life in the NICU is always on the edge of uncertainty. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that things are going to go back down again. I appreciate the nurses being so open and willing to answer questions that we have. That really helps with the anxiety that constantly hovers around the NICU.

What helps me the most is relying on God. I have been learning that there is nothing that I can control. Prayer is what brings me comfort. I trust that God has a plan is strengthening me as a woman and a mother as he continues to help my baby girl grow and develop.

My baby girl is so strong and she is my hero! I love holding her in my arms and listening to her little coos. I love her with all of my heart.

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