Finding Myself Today!

Yesterday I was really struggling with the idea that I can no longer experience carefree moments or spontaneous adventures. Well, today instead of wallowing in”poor me”, I decided to be proactive! I took my daughter and husband outside and we all played in the sprinklers! It felt so great to run around in the water and laugh hysterically!

Sometimes in the rush of responsibility and parenthood I forget to find the joy in the everyday. My daughter’s laugh and her enormous smile when in tickle her! My husband’s lips on mine as he says good morning. These moments are perfect.

I need to make sure I don’t take them for granted.

Here is the smile that lights my heart on fire!

Hittin the Road!!

Today we are setting off on a two week road trip, and we couldn’t be more excited! We are taking two days to drive to Colorado, spending a week there, and then heading over to Utah (A state we have never been to!)

Sometimes the stress of everyday life builds up and you HAVE to get away- that is where we are at as a family. We need a break. A vacation!

This will be my daughter’s first road trip, and I did loads of research on how to entertain a one year old so we are “prepared”. Well, as prepared as you can be with a one year old. I will keep you updated along the way. 😉

My prayer request is that neither my husband or I struggle with anxiety during our time away. I have a little this morning, a 3 out of 10, but I have been spending time in prayer and it is slowing going down. I don’t want anxiety to steal any of our joy while we are bonding together as a family unit.

Adventure awaits! Here we go!

Nothing Better

It has been awhile since my last post, and I apologize! Things have been so crazy. Life certainly changes after having a child! I use to blog every night before bed. It was my favorite time of day! However, this habit has been replaced with giving a bubble bath, and getting warm cuddles before putting my beautiful daughter down for the night.

Recently, I have been reflecting on the changes I have experienced since Eisley came into the world. Just thinking about how my focus and energy output have realigned and how I am less self-focused than before.

Even though I am exhausted after work, I still make it a priority to sit on the ground and play with Eisley. I may be starving, but I make sure she has dinner before in eat my own. Instead of Netflix Binging I spend hours playing with toys and playing make believe.

Knowing now what sacrifices I would make as a mother, I wouldn’t change a thing! Yes, I do miss watching hours of television without being interrupted (or feeling guilty), and being able to eat a slice of pizza without being disturbed, BUT hearing my daughter laugh, and seeing her grow far outweighs those momentary pleasures. She is everything.

I never fully understood what parents meant when they said their child’s happiness means everything, but now I know. Those are not just words, they are powerful. My world has shifted to ensure that she has joy and love in her life. It’s no longer about me, and what I want. It is about her, and what she wants (without spoiling her too much, of course!)

I love being a mom!! It’s the greatest decision I have ever made. ❤️

Weekly progress

This week my anxiety has been a little higher than normal. This is mostly related to my “monthly visitor” but, regardless, I have had a difficult time managing it. Most of my frustration was put on my husband, which is completely unfair. He is an incredible man, and doesn’t deserve to be the barer of my anxiety. He was very understanding, even though he did call me out on it (which is why I love him).

I found I was also anxious about my daughter growing up too fast! She is only 15 months, but since she has been walking she seems to have blossomed into an adorable little toddler. What the heck? It is overwhelming sometimes to think about how fast time goes, and I don’t want to loose these precious little moments with her now. I know I am overreacting a little, but it’s honest. I want to keep her safe from the world forever, and always cuddle her at bedtime.

To help my anxiety, I have been spending more time in the Word and in prayer. This has helped immensely. After my time with God, I have felt lighter and less anxious. I Am going to work on continuing to draw close to God when I am anxious, and not take it out on those I love the most! ❤️

My Daughter’s Support

Life feels so much fuller having a child. There is so much more purpose. I always had a focus and a drive in life, but since my daughter entered the picture, everything is different. I strive to make sure she will have the best life possible. That includes her possible fight with anxiety. I pray she doesn’t struggle with it, but if she does, I want to be there for her.

My struggle with anxiety is no secret, and I plan on keeping my transparency with her as well. I want to keep an open dialogue with her about anxiety, so that if it is anything she struggles with in the future, she will feel safe to talk to me about it. I don’t want her to go through it alone.

I thank God everyday for trusting me with my beautiful daughter, and I will do everything in my power to give her the life she deserves. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so. ❤️

Happy Easter!!!

Insecure in my Mommy Skills

The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.

I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.

It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.

I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?

Family Pulls Me Through

My heart fills with happiness.

Anxiety is chased away,

When we are together.

 

I thank God for this life.

Things use to be dark.

But God gave me strength,

To pull through.

 

Even though life throws curveballs

Those I love always stand by my side.

They give me strength when I’m weak.

They are my everything!

I’m a mom of a 1 Year old!

Whoa! My daughter turned 1 today! It’s really hard to believe that she was born 365 days ago. She was two and a half months early, and weighed only 2 pounds 14 ounces. She was so strong and made it out of the NICU in 10 days with ZERO complications! She is my beautiful Christmas miracle. This year has truly changed my life! I adore being a mom.