Back to Work

Tomorrow I will be going back after being on maternity leave for 4 months. If you are new to my blog, my daughter was born 10 weeks premature, and spent 50 days in the NICU. She is healthy and wonderful! We have been so blessed through the entire experience. It is the best case scenario that came out of a terrible situation.

So now, after four months, I am heading back! I am a middle school gifted teacher and I have really been missing my kiddos and being able to be creative in my classroom. I love being a teacher, and i love my job. It will be nice to be back.

However, I am still expreicing some anxiety and guilt about going back. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way before my daughter was born. But now that she is here, I want to hold her in my arms every moment of the day. She will be staying at her grandmother’s house, who runs a private daycare out of her home, so that is incredible. I know my daughter will be in wonderful hands. It doesn’t take away all of the sting though.

Tomorrow will be hard, but I will be able to get through it with God’s strength. I will not let my anxiety or guilt take over. I know my baby is safe, and she will be happy with her grandma. ūüôā But keep me in your prayers anyway! LOL

Anxiety has been hovering around

As the day I return to work from my maternity leave draws closer, I have noticed more anxiety hovering around me. It’s not high, but it is enough where I can feel it. I know I cannot be with my baby girl every moment of the day forever, but I have loved being able to do just that for the last few months.

 Being in the hospital for her first 50 days and having to leave her there at night was the hardest thing I ever have had to do, and I feel like I am leaving her again when I have to go back to work. I know the circumstances are different, but she doesn’t know that. I don’t want her to think I am abandoning her. I never imagined it would be this difficult to go back. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening 

I know God has a plan and will make this all work out. I will adjust and my daughter will know I’m not leaving her. I just have to keep pushing forward and staying positive. I can do this! 

Continued Anxiety

Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have  completely taken me by surprise. 

Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all. 

I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow. 

We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time. 

Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?

Happy Easter to All!

I hope you all had a great Easter, I know I did! Yesterday’s post talked about how my daughter had her first Easter service experience, and today she had her actual first Easter. It was very low key, which was nice. My husband and I made dinner (ham, potatoe skins and pecan pie) and we watched an old classic Disney movie that I loved as a kid – Blackbeard’s Ghost. 

Before we put our daughter to bed, we read the story of Easter to her, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt so incredible to be sharing the story of The resurrection with her, even though she doesn’t get it yet. 

I am loving experiencing first holidays with her and making new traditions as a family. 

What are some of your traditions? 

End of Maternity Leave Anxiety

I have about two and a half weeks left of my maternity leave, and I am starting to get anxious about going back. Not because I have to work. I love my job. I am getting anxious about leaving my daughter. Granted, she will be staying with my MIL, which is such a blessing, but it won’t be the same. My daughter, Eisley, and I have been together since the day she was born, December 23. She was 10 weeks early, so I have stayed with her for an extra long time. She is healthy and strong, but I despise the idea of not being with her. 

The first 50 days of Eisley’s life were spent in the NICU, my husband and I would only get to see her for part of the day. A few hours. We stayed at my sister in law’s house which was 15 minutes from the hospital, and we would go there at night. I think a part of me feels a little bit like I did when we would leave her at the hospital. 

I never thought I would have a difficult time going back to work. These emotions are confusing and new for me. I am not sure how to handle them.

For you working moms, how did you handle going back to work after your leave? 

Here is Eisley trying to hide from me when I tried to wake her up this morning! How can I leave this little thing?!

Three months!

It has been 3 months since my darling daughter entered this world 2 and a half months early; weighing only 2 lbs 14 oz. These last three months have been a wild roller-coaster of constantly shifting emotions, but i know God has been in control the entire time. Eisley is healthy, and beautiful! She weighs 6 lbs 5 oz now and is feisty as ever! I love this girl so much! 

My Anxiety Cure

When I get anxious, my chest tightens and there are times when I feel like I can’t breathe. I have discovered that when I am feeling anxious and my beautiful baby girl is cuddled on my chest, all my anxiety disappears. She truly makes me happy to the core. It is such an incredible feeling. 

My World has Changed

I no longer crave fancy things, or desperately want to take off on a thrilling adventure. What I want most of all now, is time with my family. Playing in the backyard with my husband and my two month old daughter has brought me more joy than anything I could ever purchase in a store or find in a beautiful country. I still would like to have nice things and go on adventures, but I find myself realizing that all I have ever wanted is right here. My heart is full. God has given me more than I ever imagined He would, and I am beyond grateful for my blessings. I love being a wife and a mother. 

These two beautiful human beings are my world!

Getting into the Groove

Since my baby, Eisley, has been home for about a month now, I feel like I have gotten into a pretty good groove. I may not have a “to the minute” routine, but I do have a loose one. Since she is so small developmentally still, she eats about every two hours, so there isn’t much to do that doesn’t involve feeding. 

The first two weeks that we were home, after being in the NICU for so long, were really difficult emotionally. My husband and I had a lot of support from the doctors and nurses and now we only have each other. Then, a few days after we brought her home, my husband went back to work, so I was all alone! I know this is something most of us moms go through, but I wasn’t prepared for that! I actually couldn’t think much beyond delivery! Birth was the scariest part for me, and gave me the most anxiety. I didn’t give much thought to what came after that. And I certainly didn’t think a 50 day stay in the NICU would be apart of the process. 

However, now that a few more weeks have passed, I am feeling more at ease with Eisley (my baby) and have adjusted my mindset in a more positive direction. I have been making sure to read scripture everyday so that I can make sure I can have strength and wisdom to make it through each day. An infant is A LOT of work! Goodness! ‚̧