Writing is Harder than I Thought

I am still chugging away at my novel! I am just over 24,500 words now and it has felt like a lifetime of effort! I flew through the first 20,000 and the last two weeks all I have been able to do is 4,000 words.

Being a mom, teacher and wife takes up all of my time. Add on housework, Christmas shopping, working out, grading essays, and countless other responsibilities that are required for caring for a two year old: there just is no time left to write. And when I do find the time, I feel exhausted and don’t want to write. Then I feel guilty. It has been a cycle! Ugh!

It has been a huge undertaking to commit to writing every single day. I have only missed three days since Nov 1. I am really proud to say that. Some days all I can get out are like 30 words, but it counts. It all adds up.

I have been learning that I don’t have be ashamed of small progress. I have to stop putting myself down when I don’t live up to the incredibly high standards I set for myself. Slow and steady. One step at a time. One word at a time.

I will write my novel. It will happen. It is happening. It’s growing everyday. And for that, I am proud!

Doing It, Even If I Don’t Feel Like It.

Today, my anxiety was through the roof, I was exhausted, and my body ached all over. I didn’t want to doing anything, and least of all, spend the day running around the house after my daughter.

I woke up thinking I would put on the tv and lay on the couch binging on Netflix and Hulu, while she played around the living room with her toys. I could recuperate, and she could learn to entertain herself. Everybody wins.

However, that is not how the day turned out! Luckily for me, my daughter is an angel, and the mere sight of her fills me with such joy that I can hardly contain it! So, of course I couldn’t resist her when she wanted to play!

We ended up spending nearly two hours in our little pool, reading books, eating yummy snacks, and lots and lots of cuddling! It was such an amazing day! I feel like we took our relationship to a new level, and it felt wonderful.

Since becoming a parent, I have been learning that when I push myself beyond my comfort zone, I experiencing incredible rewards. Had I decided to stay on the couch and watch tv instead, my daughter would have been fine, however, we would have missed out on our one on one time.

I am going to put this principal into action in my everyday life and look for opportunities this week to go beyond my comfort zone! I challenge you to do the same!

Finding Myself Today!

Yesterday I was really struggling with the idea that I can no longer experience carefree moments or spontaneous adventures. Well, today instead of wallowing in”poor me”, I decided to be proactive! I took my daughter and husband outside and we all played in the sprinklers! It felt so great to run around in the water and laugh hysterically!

Sometimes in the rush of responsibility and parenthood I forget to find the joy in the everyday. My daughter’s laugh and her enormous smile when in tickle her! My husband’s lips on mine as he says good morning. These moments are perfect.

I need to make sure I don’t take them for granted.

Here is the smile that lights my heart on fire!

Hittin the Road!!

Today we are setting off on a two week road trip, and we couldn’t be more excited! We are taking two days to drive to Colorado, spending a week there, and then heading over to Utah (A state we have never been to!)

Sometimes the stress of everyday life builds up and you HAVE to get away- that is where we are at as a family. We need a break. A vacation!

This will be my daughter’s first road trip, and I did loads of research on how to entertain a one year old so we are “prepared”. Well, as prepared as you can be with a one year old. I will keep you updated along the way. 😉

My prayer request is that neither my husband or I struggle with anxiety during our time away. I have a little this morning, a 3 out of 10, but I have been spending time in prayer and it is slowing going down. I don’t want anxiety to steal any of our joy while we are bonding together as a family unit.

Adventure awaits! Here we go!

Nothing Better

It has been awhile since my last post, and I apologize! Things have been so crazy. Life certainly changes after having a child! I use to blog every night before bed. It was my favorite time of day! However, this habit has been replaced with giving a bubble bath, and getting warm cuddles before putting my beautiful daughter down for the night.

Recently, I have been reflecting on the changes I have experienced since Eisley came into the world. Just thinking about how my focus and energy output have realigned and how I am less self-focused than before.

Even though I am exhausted after work, I still make it a priority to sit on the ground and play with Eisley. I may be starving, but I make sure she has dinner before in eat my own. Instead of Netflix Binging I spend hours playing with toys and playing make believe.

Knowing now what sacrifices I would make as a mother, I wouldn’t change a thing! Yes, I do miss watching hours of television without being interrupted (or feeling guilty), and being able to eat a slice of pizza without being disturbed, BUT hearing my daughter laugh, and seeing her grow far outweighs those momentary pleasures. She is everything.

I never fully understood what parents meant when they said their child’s happiness means everything, but now I know. Those are not just words, they are powerful. My world has shifted to ensure that she has joy and love in her life. It’s no longer about me, and what I want. It is about her, and what she wants (without spoiling her too much, of course!)

I love being a mom!! It’s the greatest decision I have ever made. ❤️

Weekly progress

This week my anxiety has been a little higher than normal. This is mostly related to my “monthly visitor” but, regardless, I have had a difficult time managing it. Most of my frustration was put on my husband, which is completely unfair. He is an incredible man, and doesn’t deserve to be the barer of my anxiety. He was very understanding, even though he did call me out on it (which is why I love him).

I found I was also anxious about my daughter growing up too fast! She is only 15 months, but since she has been walking she seems to have blossomed into an adorable little toddler. What the heck? It is overwhelming sometimes to think about how fast time goes, and I don’t want to loose these precious little moments with her now. I know I am overreacting a little, but it’s honest. I want to keep her safe from the world forever, and always cuddle her at bedtime.

To help my anxiety, I have been spending more time in the Word and in prayer. This has helped immensely. After my time with God, I have felt lighter and less anxious. I Am going to work on continuing to draw close to God when I am anxious, and not take it out on those I love the most! ❤️

My Daughter’s Support

Life feels so much fuller having a child. There is so much more purpose. I always had a focus and a drive in life, but since my daughter entered the picture, everything is different. I strive to make sure she will have the best life possible. That includes her possible fight with anxiety. I pray she doesn’t struggle with it, but if she does, I want to be there for her.

My struggle with anxiety is no secret, and I plan on keeping my transparency with her as well. I want to keep an open dialogue with her about anxiety, so that if it is anything she struggles with in the future, she will feel safe to talk to me about it. I don’t want her to go through it alone.

I thank God everyday for trusting me with my beautiful daughter, and I will do everything in my power to give her the life she deserves. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do so. ❤️

Happy Easter!!!

Insecure in my Mommy Skills

The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.

Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.

I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.

It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.

I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?