I am fighting back at my anxiety. It can’t keep winning. My stress at work and with my friends has been very high, I can’t let it get any higher. Anxiety will not take anymore of my life. I have a daughter now, and she deserves 100% of her mom, and I will make that happen.
To combat the anxiety, I am going to post a bible verse each day for the rest of the month, to fill my mind and heart with God.
This reminds me that no matter what, God will be at my side. Even when it feels like he isn’t there, He is. He carries me when I am weak. What an amazing God we have!
These little eyes stole my heart,
From them I will never part!
This little girl brings me great joy,
Now the rest of my life, I will completely enjoy!
It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress! So many things have been going on since my last post! School (work) has started up again and I have hit the ground running! My students this year are great, so far, and I am loving this year. I feel like I am more prepared with my lessons, and since I was so sick last year, while I was pregnant, this year I am feeling so much more energetic! I am really looking forward to seeing what this school year brings.
My daughter is doing really well! If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my daughter was born in December, at 30 weeks. We spent 50 days in the NICU and we have been home since the end of February. The doctor said that she will not experience any long term effects of her prematurity! YAY! The only thing we are working on right now is trying to bulk her up! She weighs 12 pounds 3 ounces now, which is huge compared to her 2 pounds 14 ounces. She is such an incredible little human being! Last week she started rolling over from her back to her tummy! YAY! I am so proud of her and how she has come over the last few months.
My anxiety has been been under control over the last few months, and I am so thankful. I still have days where it feels so heavy, and uncomfortable, but I am able through it. My husband has also been very supportive whenever my anxiety has shown up. He will remind me how strong I am, and let me know how it will pass.
Well, that is my life in a quick few paragraphs! I am going to try and commit to writing more often, because I totally miss you guys! Blogging is so therapeutic!
Today my anxiety was real. It was intense. Sharp. Constricting. There were several times today when I felt as if I couldn’t breath. As if I was about to fall into an abyss. I haven’t felt anxiety this raw in a long time.
It was triggered by the end of my summer break rapidly coming to an end. I go back to work Friday, and I am dreading leaving my baby. Any time I think about it I feel sick. I have loved being home with her this summer. Cuddling together, and watching the Today Show in the morning. Playtimes in the afternoon, and bedtime snuggles at night. It rips me apart inside to have to go back and no longer have those times with her.
I also love my job. I always look forward to going back, but it is different now. I wasn’t expecting to experience this sadness.
Over the last few months, breastmilk has ruled my life! I pump a million times a day, and constantly worry if I am producing enough milk for my LO. BUT no more!
Here’s a quick little back story for those who haven’t read my previous posts. December 23, 2016 my daughter came into the world 10 weeks early because of my severe preeclampsia. After 50 days in the NICU, she is 100% healthy and beautiful!
Ever since she was born, I have been pumping breastmilk, however, my milk does not have enough calories to give her enough weight. Our doctor told us that we need to switch to exclusively using formula to fatten her up. It was difficult to hear that I was able to provide her with enough fat, but I have been trying to focus on the positive.
Since switching over to formula, she has put on nearly a pound in just a week! Yay! As for pumping, I have been weaning myself off the pump, and today is my first day without pumping! It’s incredible and terrifying at the same time. I didn’t expect so much guilt to come along with quitting, but I also have so much more time on my hands! I am learning that being a mom is all about conflicting emotions!
It has been a crazy month, and I apologize for not posting much. Things are going really well with my baby girl! She continues to grow slowly but surely. She is up to 8 lbs 4 oz now!! She has quadrupled in size over the last five months. She ha started baby talking now, and it is incredible!
My anxiety has come back a little bit, but not enough to take control. It has gotten much over a 5 out of 10. I have been combating it with prayer and positive self talk. As much as I would like to say that I have gotten ride of my anxiety, I know that I can’t because it is part of who I am. It may be a weakness, however, I use it to give me strength. It won’t control me or take any time away from my daughter!
Tomorrow I will be going back after being on maternity leave for 4 months. If you are new to my blog, my daughter was born 10 weeks premature, and spent 50 days in the NICU. She is healthy and wonderful! We have been so blessed through the entire experience. It is the best case scenario that came out of a terrible situation.
So now, after four months, I am heading back! I am a middle school gifted teacher and I have really been missing my kiddos and being able to be creative in my classroom. I love being a teacher, and i love my job. It will be nice to be back.
However, I am still expreicing some anxiety and guilt about going back. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way before my daughter was born. But now that she is here, I want to hold her in my arms every moment of the day. She will be staying at her grandmother’s house, who runs a private daycare out of her home, so that is incredible. I know my daughter will be in wonderful hands. It doesn’t take away all of the sting though.
Tomorrow will be hard, but I will be able to get through it with God’s strength. I will not let my anxiety or guilt take over. I know my baby is safe, and she will be happy with her grandma. 🙂 But keep me in your prayers anyway! LOL
As the day I return to work from my maternity leave draws closer, I have noticed more anxiety hovering around me. It’s not high, but it is enough where I can feel it. I know I cannot be with my baby girl every moment of the day forever, but I have loved being able to do just that for the last few months.
Being in the hospital for her first 50 days and having to leave her there at night was the hardest thing I ever have had to do, and I feel like I am leaving her again when I have to go back to work. I know the circumstances are different, but she doesn’t know that. I don’t want her to think I am abandoning her. I never imagined it would be this difficult to go back.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening
I know God has a plan and will make this all work out. I will adjust and my daughter will know I’m not leaving her. I just have to keep pushing forward and staying positive. I can do this!
Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have completely taken me by surprise.
Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all.
I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow.
We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time.
Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?