It’s Raw Anxiety.

Today my anxiety was real. It was intense. Sharp. Constricting. There were several times today when I felt as if I couldn’t breath. As if I was about to fall into an abyss. I haven’t felt anxiety this raw in a long time. 

It was triggered by the end of my summer break rapidly coming to an end. I go back to work Friday, and I am dreading leaving my baby. Any time I think about it I feel sick. I have loved being home with her this summer. Cuddling together, and watching the Today Show in the morning. Playtimes in the afternoon, and bedtime snuggles at night. It rips me apart inside to have to go back and no longer have those times with her. 

I also love my job. I always look forward to going back, but it is different now. I wasn’t expecting to experience this sadness. 

I know God will give me strength to push onward, and it will get better with time, but right now it hurts. 
Here we are! How can I leave this beautiful face? 

No more Breastmilk !’

Over the last few months, breastmilk has ruled my life! I pump a million times a day, and constantly worry if I am producing enough milk for my LO. BUT no more! 

Here’s a quick little back story for those who haven’t read my previous posts.  December 23, 2016 my daughter came into the world 10 weeks early because of my severe preeclampsia. After 50 days in the NICU, she is 100% healthy and beautiful! 
Ever since she was born, I have been pumping breastmilk, however, my milk does not have enough calories to give her enough weight. Our doctor told us that we need to switch to exclusively using formula to fatten her up. It was difficult to hear that I was able to provide her with enough fat, but I have been trying to focus on the positive. 
Since switching over to formula, she has put on nearly a pound in just a week! Yay! As for pumping, I have been weaning myself off the pump, and today is my first day without pumping! It’s incredible and terrifying at the same time. I didn’t expect so much guilt to come along with quitting, but I also have so much more time on my hands! I am learning that being a mom is all about conflicting emotions! 

Sorry for the silence

It has been a crazy month, and I apologize for not posting much. Things are going really well with my baby girl! She continues to grow slowly but surely. She is up to 8 lbs 4 oz now!! She has quadrupled in size over the last five months. She ha started baby talking now, and it is incredible! 

My anxiety has come back a little bit, but not enough to take control. It has gotten much over a 5 out of 10. I have been combating it with prayer and positive self talk. As much as I would like to say that I have gotten ride of my anxiety, I know that I can’t because it is part of who I am. It may be a weakness, however, I use it to give me strength. It won’t control me or take any time away from my daughter! 

But I am loving being a mother and I am looking forward to this summer vacation so I can spend every moment snuggling my baby girl! 

Back to Work

Tomorrow I will be going back after being on maternity leave for 4 months. If you are new to my blog, my daughter was born 10 weeks premature, and spent 50 days in the NICU. She is healthy and wonderful! We have been so blessed through the entire experience. It is the best case scenario that came out of a terrible situation.

So now, after four months, I am heading back! I am a middle school gifted teacher and I have really been missing my kiddos and being able to be creative in my classroom. I love being a teacher, and i love my job. It will be nice to be back.

However, I am still expreicing some anxiety and guilt about going back. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way before my daughter was born. But now that she is here, I want to hold her in my arms every moment of the day. She will be staying at her grandmother’s house, who runs a private daycare out of her home, so that is incredible. I know my daughter will be in wonderful hands. It doesn’t take away all of the sting though.

Tomorrow will be hard, but I will be able to get through it with God’s strength. I will not let my anxiety or guilt take over. I know my baby is safe, and she will be happy with her grandma. 🙂 But keep me in your prayers anyway! LOL

Anxiety has been hovering around

As the day I return to work from my maternity leave draws closer, I have noticed more anxiety hovering around me. It’s not high, but it is enough where I can feel it. I know I cannot be with my baby girl every moment of the day forever, but I have loved being able to do just that for the last few months.

 Being in the hospital for her first 50 days and having to leave her there at night was the hardest thing I ever have had to do, and I feel like I am leaving her again when I have to go back to work. I know the circumstances are different, but she doesn’t know that. I don’t want her to think I am abandoning her. I never imagined it would be this difficult to go back. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening 

I know God has a plan and will make this all work out. I will adjust and my daughter will know I’m not leaving her. I just have to keep pushing forward and staying positive. I can do this! 

Continued Anxiety

Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have  completely taken me by surprise. 

Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all. 

I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow. 

We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time. 

Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?

Happy Easter to All!

I hope you all had a great Easter, I know I did! Yesterday’s post talked about how my daughter had her first Easter service experience, and today she had her actual first Easter. It was very low key, which was nice. My husband and I made dinner (ham, potatoe skins and pecan pie) and we watched an old classic Disney movie that I loved as a kid – Blackbeard’s Ghost. 

Before we put our daughter to bed, we read the story of Easter to her, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt so incredible to be sharing the story of The resurrection with her, even though she doesn’t get it yet. 

I am loving experiencing first holidays with her and making new traditions as a family. 

What are some of your traditions? 

End of Maternity Leave Anxiety

I have about two and a half weeks left of my maternity leave, and I am starting to get anxious about going back. Not because I have to work. I love my job. I am getting anxious about leaving my daughter. Granted, she will be staying with my MIL, which is such a blessing, but it won’t be the same. My daughter, Eisley, and I have been together since the day she was born, December 23. She was 10 weeks early, so I have stayed with her for an extra long time. She is healthy and strong, but I despise the idea of not being with her. 

The first 50 days of Eisley’s life were spent in the NICU, my husband and I would only get to see her for part of the day. A few hours. We stayed at my sister in law’s house which was 15 minutes from the hospital, and we would go there at night. I think a part of me feels a little bit like I did when we would leave her at the hospital. 

I never thought I would have a difficult time going back to work. These emotions are confusing and new for me. I am not sure how to handle them.

For you working moms, how did you handle going back to work after your leave? 

Here is Eisley trying to hide from me when I tried to wake her up this morning! How can I leave this little thing?!

Weight loss journey begins!

Time to loose some weight

My healthy journey starts now

Goosbye baby weight! 

Three months!

It has been 3 months since my darling daughter entered this world 2 and a half months early; weighing only 2 lbs 14 oz. These last three months have been a wild roller-coaster of constantly shifting emotions, but i know God has been in control the entire time. Eisley is healthy, and beautiful! She weighs 6 lbs 5 oz now and is feisty as ever! I love this girl so much!