Pregnancy TMI Help

Ok, this is going to be some serious TMI, but I need some advice and help! Desperately! For the last several weeks I have been having episodes of super loose stool and diarrhea. It doesn’t last all day, but it is mostly after dinner. It is really uncomfortable and even makes me nauseous. My dr told me that it is due to my anxiety, and we have upped my medication a little bit and it has helped. However, it still lingers around several times a week.

Have any of you experienced this? And if you have, how did you deal with it?

Rough Day All Around

I feel incredibly guilty writing this post, but I feel I need to write it. When I began my blog, I intended to remain unfiltered about my emotions and anxiety, no matter how difficult to talk about. So, I feel I must write this post. 

I hate pregnancy. There has not been any part of it that has agreed with me, and I am really struggling with it today. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, because I thought it was such a magical experience. I knew that morning sickness would happened, but I didn’t think it would last so long for me. I hadn’t expected constantly feeling sick. I didn’t expect hating food and no longer enjoying eating. I can only have a few bites of something, and normally that involves gagging it down. I didn’t expect the mere idea or thought of food to cause my stomach to tie up in knots. I also didn’t expect to dread going to parties or hanging out with my friends because it always involves food. 

I feel so tired of being sick. I desperately want to enjoy being pregnant and watching my belly grow with my darling child inside of me. 

Please don’t think that I don’t love my child, and that I am truly grateful beyond measure to be blessed with fertility. I have experienced a previous miscarriage so I understand the miracle that occurred inside of me. I know that once I see my baby girl all this sickness  will be just a memory.

 But what I’m struggling with is trying to get to that point. My mind feels so conflicted with defeat from the sickness, but I don’t want to be consumed by it because I desperately want to enjoy this experience. 

I know that my anxiety disorder makes this harder because I find myself ruminating about getting sick, and that does not help me feel better. I am working to combat these thoughts, but I feel so drained. 

I feel so alone and defeated today. I wish that my body responded well to the pregnancy and I could just breeze through the next four months.  However No matter how hard it gets, I know that God is with me. I may not feel like it sometimes, but I know he is there. I am going to need to work extra hard to trust Him and allow Him to do His work. 

Thank you for listening to me vent. ❤️

Happiest Moment!

We had our second ultrasound this morning to check and see our baby is growing and progressing. It was incredible to see how big it has gotten! The entire ultrasound the baby was wiggling, jumping around, kicking, sucking it’s thumb and even yawning! It was incredible! I could hardly believe what I was seeing! I didn’t think it would move around so much. The tech was laughing and saying that I was not going to sleep later in a few months lol! I am so happy! 

Check out my little one ❤️

Feeling rough…

First let me start by saying I am blessed. I am incredibly thankful for the little life that is growing inside of me each day. It is an insane thought that I am cultivating a little human! I love it already! 

Now, to the physical aspect of my pregnancy… I am sick. Throwing up. Dry heaving. Can’t eat. Constipated. Endless Heartburn. Exhausted. Pregnant. I truly never imagined pregnancy would be this hard. You know, you hear people talk, in a joking way, about first trimester and how it was awful, but you never fully understand it. I now fully understand. 

These physical symptoms are starting to eat away at my emotional wellbeing. I haven’t been able to anything other than sleep and lay down in weeks. Grudgingly, I started working again after summer break, and my students are back as well now. I love my job, but it is fight to drag myself to work every day. I don’t feel like myself and I just really miss me. 

I want to enjoy my pregnancy and be one of those women who love being pregnant. I know there is a miracle inside me, and I feel so guilty for not enjoying it. Most of the time I just want cry. 

Thank you for letting me vent. It is comforting to know that I have all of you to lean on. ❤️

Hard not to Think About

As I have shared in several previous posts before, my husband and I are working towards becoming pregnant (yay!). However, the first two months were very stressful for us since we were trying ovulation sticks, and charts and lots of  other techniques. I wasn’t prepared for the intense amount of anxiety all of that would bring, so this month we haven’t done anything other than… Well you know…. ;). 

I have to confess that it is incredibly difficult not to obsess about whether or not I am pregnant. Especially with the added anxiety. I just try to remind myself that it will all happen in time and God has a plan. Honestly, it is much easier said than done, BUT I try to remind myself frequent that God has a plan. Even though I may feel frustrated. 

How did you all deal with trying to get pregnant and managing your emotions? 

A little bit traumatizing!

Well, today was the day that my husband and I went to the OBGYN to get my IUD taken out. We went in expecting a quick and mildly uncomfortable experience, however, it turned out to be much different! It ended up being 40 minutes of my dr digging into my cervix/uterus trying to find it. I have never experienced that sort of pain in my life! My husband held my hand the entire time as I cried and screamed in his ear.

Part of me was utterly embarrassed, however, the dr was so kind and supportive. He was so kind and kept telling me to hang on, and just keep going. He also kept apologizing for it being so difficult, because normally it only takes a few seconds. He also told me that in the years he has been practicing medicine, that this had only happened to one other person! I told him that I was honored to be his second case.

When he finally pulled it out (as I embarrassingly screamed the f-word), everyone cheered and clapped. As a joke, I said I was going to keep it and put in my Christmas tree! The doctor laughed and he cleaned it off and gave it to me! LOL! Now I have it as a reminder of the struggle it took to get it out, and the strange humor of the situation.

If there is anything that I learned from this situation it is that I NEVER want to have a natural birth!

Always on my mind

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but truly, all I can think about right now is getting licenses as a foster family and getting our child placement. I was thinking about how natural it all feels, and I realized that foster/adopting is something that I have always wanted to do. When I was a freshman and sophomore in high school I went down to Mexico and worked in an orphanage for a week. That experience truly changed my view on children, because I saw such a lack loving parents first hand. Ever since then I always knew in my heart I wanted to help kids who were without parents. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, it almost feels surreal now that I am actually beginning the licensing process, because it always felt like a distant dream. However, my husband is 100% on board and he supports my dream. 

I am feeling incredibly blessed. 

Set a Date(ish)

Earlier this week my husband and I sat down and talked, openly and honestly, about when we want to begin trying to have a baby. If you have read any of my previous posts, you will remember that I’ve talked a lot about my desire to have a baby. Needless to say, I have intense baby fever!

In the past, my husband and I have had many conversations about starting a family, but it felt like we were on different pages. I wanted to make sure that we want to have children for the right reasons. Sometimes there can be pressure for couples to have children, because it is what is expected. I didn’t want my husband to ever feel pressured if he isn’t ready to start yet.

However, after our conversation, it turns out he has been warming up to the idea, and is ready to start in the Spring! I am very excited, and nervous at the same time. Having a baby is, as you know, a huge change. Nothing will ever be the same. However, we are both finally ready!