Waiting to Leave

My baby girl is doing an incredible job in the NICU! The only hurdle she has to conquer before we go home is eating on her own. Slowly but surly she is getting there. I am so proud of her. 

However, I have to admit that I have some anxiety about this process. We have been in the NICU, 3 hours away from home, for 34 days and I desperately want to go home. Inside I feel so much anxiety and pressure for her to be able to eat. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know she is still learning and it’s hard for her, but a part of me just wants her to hurry up and do it so I can take her home. 

Right now we are using a bottle to feed her since she is so small. It’s easier to tell how much she drank compared to breast feeding. However I feel anxious that I am not breastfeeding too. It is something I want to do but she found it more difficult that using the bottle. There are just so many emotions with this part of our NICU journey! I am feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. 

However, I know God is in control and His plan is perfect. We are here in the NICU for a reason. He has brought our baby girl so far and he will continue to do so. I just need to remember that. ❤

How am I a Mom?!

My Heart is So Full

My daughter is beautiful

I am now a MOM!!

 

I am still blown away by the fact that I am a mom now. It is such an incredible feeling too look at that beautiful baby girl and know that she is the creation of me and my husband. She has been so strong, and is such a fighter. She has been on in the NICU for 29 days today, and is getting closer to going home!

In the Storm

If I am being honest, I am really struggling with things in my life right now. To fill you in on what is going on, when my husband and I first found out we were pregnant, we wanted to move forward with selling our house. We have been looking for awhile, but the pregnancy propelled us forward into putting the conversation into action. We were able to sell our house before it went on the market, and put a bid on another home (that we loved) all within a week. It was incredible, and it was one of the most exciting weeks of our lives.

However, two weeks later, we had our miscarriage. Shortly after that everything with the house we were buying began to fall apart. It turns out that there are three liens against the house, one of them being over 1 million dollars to the IRS. We were shocked and frustrated with this development because we didn’t see it coming. I’m not sure of all the logistics behind it, but the relators were taken by surprise as well. It has been incredibly frustrating and stressful.

Weeks have now gone by and things have gone from bad to worse. We have to move out of our home, either this weekend or early next week, and at this point we don’t have anywhere to go. We have looked at nearly 15 different homes and are struggling on what to do next. Where do we stay? What do we do with our stuff? How can this be fixed? There are so many unknowns and it is a nightmare.

I am beyond disgusted with this entire process and it is far from over. I just want to move on and be past all of this. The most painful part about the entire thing is that we were wanting to get a bigger home in a nice neighborhood for the baby we were having. Now the baby is gone… and so is the house…and we are left homeless.

I am trying so hard to stay positive in the face of all this adversity, but I am really struggling right now. I know God has a plan, but I have to admit that is incredibly difficult to have strong faith in the mist of the storm. I feel that my storm is raging right now and I can only see a faint glimmer of hope in the far distance. I am focusing all my energy on that small light, but I feel like I keep tripping on my way there. I am going to continue to continue to go towards that ray of hope, but it is going to be hard.

An Honest Struggle

Today marks one week since our miscarriage began. I began noticing some warning signs last Thursday and over the next few days the inevitable occurred. It feels like another world when we were pregnant and excited about planning nurseries, names and family friend vacations. I admit that my heart breaks when I see children, and that makes my day incredibly challenging because I am a teacher. I try to loose myself in my daily tasks, and take extra care to love on my students a little more than usual, but I am finding that my mind continues to hold onto the memories of the last few days.

The pain does not feel as sharp and vivid, but it is still present. Whenever the world around me is quiet, my thoughts slip into the “what if” game. I wonder what it would be like to be further along in my pregnancy. Would I have morning sickness? What would it feel like? These ideas often lead me to a place of dark negativity.

I am trying very hard to remain positive, but today that has been difficult. I am just feeling sad and a little hopeless, to be honest. I feel like I am never going to have a child, and my desire to be a mother will go unsatisfied. I know, in my heart, that God does not give us desires the He will not fulfill, but today is just hard.

Again, thank you for all the love and support you have poured on me over the last few days. I truly appreciate it.

Confirmation

A part of me has been dreading this day all weekend, while The other part of me has been anxiously awaiting it. Today we heard back from the doctor to find out if we were indeed having a miscarriage. The miscarriage was confirmed. We lost the baby. 

The last five days have felt like a blur of tears, anger and disbelief. It all seems surreal because just six days ago we were picking out nursery themes and discussing baby names. Now that the doctor has confirmed the miscarriage, the loss of our baby feels real. There is no chance of pregnancy. It is final. 

My husband and I are trying our best to remain positive and trust that God has a plan. Honestly, it is so much easier said than done. 

I have never experienced this type of loss before, and all of my emotions are new and unexplored. Even though this is awful, I will continue to focus on God and try to be positive. That doesn’t mean I won’t hurt, or be angry. It means that I will have faith inspite of my own pain. 

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. It means the world to me. 

Let it be True

Let this statement be true for you today: The darker it becomes the brighter you shine. 

Be the light in the darkness. 

  

It will not win

It wraps tightly around my chest, threatening to overwhelm me. 

But I will not let it win!

A feeling of hopelessness follows and I find myself lost in a fog of self pity.

But I will not let it win!

Anxiety threatens my happiness everyday and wants me shrink away in fear.

But I will not let it win!

Yet, through the darkness I emerge stronger and more courageous than before,

Because I did not let it win. 

Anxiety: My Bane

It has taken me the entirety of my 30 years of life to accept the fact that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I have always known I had one, however, accepting it is different from knowing. When I only knew that I had a disorder, I was angry, frustrated, depressed and extremely bitter. I hated every heart palpitation. Every second given to a tight chest, and most of all despised panic attacks. My prayers were full of rage and endless one sided negotiations. I wanted anything but anxiety. 

However, as I have accepted my disorder, I see it in a different light. Not something that pulls my life backwards, but something that flings me forward. By being open about my anxiety, I have been able to help those around me. I have shown them that they can live a life of peace in spite of their anxiety. They can be happy and joyful. The disorder doesn’t have to control them. I can show them that there is hope. 

It has been a very, very long road, but it has been worth it. I am much stronger because of it. 

Good morning!

Luna, Thor, and Tripod want to wish you a good morning! They hope you have a great day and that your stress and anxiety take a backseat to peace! 

   
   

Good morning

No matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. A chance to start over. To let go of the hurt you have been carrying and start fresh. We cannot let the weight of our past drag us down any longer. We must shed the weight and start over! 

Today is a new day!