I have tried to not dwell on my anxiety about going back to work after my maternity leave, and just focus on my daughter these last few days. Just looking at her reminds me of how incredible God is. How far he has carried us over the last four months. I will get through going back to work. God gives me the strength to do it, even when I feel like I can’t. He is my strength.
Anxiety will always be my battle, but it doesn’t always have to win. I choose to take back my mind. It cannot steal anymore time away from me.
I hope you all had a great Easter, I know I did! Yesterday’s post talked about how my daughter had her first Easter service experience, and today she had her actual first Easter. It was very low key, which was nice. My husband and I made dinner (ham, potatoe skins and pecan pie) and we watched an old classic Disney movie that I loved as a kid – Blackbeard’s Ghost.
Before we put our daughter to bed, we read the story of Easter to her, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt so incredible to be sharing the story of The resurrection with her, even though she doesn’t get it yet.
I am loving experiencing first holidays with her and making new traditions as a family.
My darling baby went to her first Easter service! She did well through Praise and Worship, but she started crying when the sermon started, so we hung out in the nursery. She made some new friends there though!
It was also the first time the whole family (my husband, our daughter and I) went to church together. Even though she was fussy, and I didn’t get to hear the message, I felt so blessed to be able to be together praising God. It was wonderful.
I no longer crave fancy things, or desperately want to take off on a thrilling adventure. What I want most of all now, is time with my family. Playing in the backyard with my husband and my two month old daughter has brought me more joy than anything I could ever purchase in a store or find in a beautiful country. I still would like to have nice things and go on adventures, but I find myself realizing that all I have ever wanted is right here. My heart is full. God has given me more than I ever imagined He would, and I am beyond grateful for my blessings. I love being a wife and a mother.
Today was a good day! I was able to fit some yoga in between Eisley’s naps so my body, that was once tight and cramped, is feeling pretty good. I was also able to get in about 7 hours of sleep, in 2 hour increments due to her frequent feedings.
HUGE NEWS! She has outgrown her preemie clothes! Tonight I when went to snuggle her into her jammies, they didn’t fit! It was an incredibly exciting moment! A huge anxiety for me concerning Eisley, is her weight. She gains very slowly and is pretty slow with her feedings. She has been like that since her NICU days. So I was relieved to see that she is outgrowing her tiny clothes! YAY!
I thank God for continuing to be with Eisley as she grows and helps her develop. Her first two months have not been easy, by any means, and I know he has been there every step of the way.
Up until now, I have had a difficult time working out while pregnant because I would frequently get sick afterwards. However, now that I have switched medications, I am able to work out again! I have done yoga two nights in a row, without getting sick! YAY!! I am finally starting to feel normal again!!
As I posted yesterday, I have had ruminations and reoccurring thoughts about getting sick in public A LOT since I have gotten pregnant. To summarize yesterday’s post, these thoughts have slowly taken over my thought patterns and have been keeping me from doing much outside of work or home.
So today, my husband and I went to Las Vegas (about an hour from our home) to pick up my brother at the airport. Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of my thought energy on being nervous about the trip due to my frequent “morning” sickness. I didn’t want to get sick while on the road, or when I was trying to walk around the city. However, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time in prayer working to renew my mind, break down these thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I no longer want to be controlled by my anxiety.
I am happy to report that I did not have any anxiety today on our trip! I am beyond thrilled and I am I immensely proud of myself for getting outside my pregnancy comfort zone! I had an amazing day!
After living with an anxiety disorder for 31 years I have found that acceptance was the best decision I ever made. I wasted so many years wishing I had any other affliction. Wishing I was someone else. Cursing myself for being the way I was. However, over the last two years I have stopped being so hard on myself and have finally learned that I am ok. My anxiety doesn’t define me. I am not just an anxiety sufferer. I am a woman with anxiety. I am a woman first. I am so many other things! A writer. Teacher. Wife. Learner. Adventurist. Artist. And so much more. I cannot define myself solely based on my disorder.
I have also learned that , I cannot wish it away. It is part of who I am, and like it or not, it has molded me into the woman that I am today. So, I have learned to accept it. I accept that my life will not always be easy. There will be days when I want to hide away from the world, or days when I don’t understand why I am afraid. I will be frustrated, angry and anxious. That is the hard truth. But on the other side, I will emerge stronger! My anxiety will no longer tear me down. It will build me up even taller. It is part of who I am, and I am finally able love all of me.