No Matter the Depth

No matter the depth of the metaphorical water, God is there with you. You are never alone. Even when it feels like you are.

These are words I must remember to make it through my anxiety. I am not alone.

Anti-Anxiety

Here is to Day Two of bible quotes to read when experiencing anxiety. Today’s verse is actually difficult for me. It says “Don’t worry about anything .” Anything?! Sometimes that doesn’t even seem possible.

Now, I want to be clear. Anxiety disorders (which I have) are completely different than regular worrying and stress. Those of us who suffer from the disorder have limited control over when or how the anxiety will manifest. It is not possible to ever go without anxiety. HOWEVER! It IS possible to control our response to anxiety. We can choose to live through it. To push forward, even when it seems hopeless. And it’s ok to have days when you feel like you’re losing. In fact, you will have those days. Just remember that on the other side of pain, is peace. God will bring you through.

Cling tighter to him in those dark moments. He knows the pain. He knows everything about your anxiety.

So, for those of us with disorders, who experience frequent anxiety, the way we live out “don’t worry about anything” is by running to God and redirecting our thoughts to Him in combat. Remember you won’t always feel this way. It will get better.

My Baby’s Developmental Update

Sorry It took me so long to finally post this information, but last week, we had my daughter’s four month developmental check after being released from her NICU stay and it went well! We are most worried about her weight, because right now her weight is not even on the preemie growth scale. So we are going to switch from breastmilk to primarily formula, with one bottle of breast milk a day. I am both excited and guilty about this change.

If I am honest, I HATE pumping! It takes so much time, and it is incredibly uncomfortable. I am looking forward to not having to do that anymore, but another part of me feels incredible guilt. I feel like I am suppose to be able to provide food for my daughter, but an unable to do it. Like something is wrong. Also, I think that during our NICU stay, pumping milk was the only way I could provide for her, so a part of me feels like I am no longer helping. I know that isn’t true, but that is the thought process that is taking over as I switch to formula.

The other thing we learned during our checkup is that our daughter is a month delayed with her gross motor skills. Since her weight is so low (it’s 9 pounds 5 ounces now! YAY) she is still somewhat stiff. Our homework is to do at least an hour of tummy/play time a day, which I’m sure many of you know, babies despise tummy time! However, as we have worked on tummy time this week, she is getting use to it and has been able to stay on her tummy for almost five minutes! YAY! Last week we couldn’t even do 30 seconds!

Through all of this chaos I am remembering that God is in control, and he has a plan for my baby girl. She is healthy, and that is what matters. Thank you for following along with my story! I am going to try and update more often 🙂 I promise!

OH! And for those of you who read about my anxiety, things have been pretty calm. If there was ever a time in my life where I had a right to be anxious, it would be now, but for the most part, it has been under control. I still have my days of high anxiety, but I am able to take back control relatively easily. Praise God!

Victorious!

Today I drove  my brother to the airport at  Las Vegas, which is a few hours from where I live, and I had zero anxiety! It was such a smooth and relaxing drive, which I really needed since my time as been devoted to caring for my newborn daughter – She stayed at home with daddy. listened to music and sang as loud as I could! It was fantastic! 

Two and a half years ago, On a family trip to Vegas, I was unable to get on a bus because it induced a panic attack. It was a really low moment for me because I had never let my family see how bad my anxiety had gotten. However, shortly after the event, I decided to take a huge step and talk to my doctor about what I can do to help. He started medication, Paxil, and it was the best decision I ever made. I have not had a panic attack since that vacation! 

So today felt really special since, considering what I had experienced two years earlier, I was able to relax and drive! 

Yay for small victories! 

Missing my baby…

Being a NICU mom is incredibly challenging. It is day 26 for Eisley in the NICU, she is doing great, but as I wake up at 2 am to pump, I wish she was here with me instead of at the hospital. I wish that I was breastfeeding here and comforting her in the middle of the night instead of setting an alarm to pump into bottles for her NICU stockpile. I wish I could hold her and snuggle her right now and not have to wait until my 20 minute car ride later today. 

I know that God has a plan for all of this, and I trust Him completely. He knows that my heart yearns for my baby girl to be near me, and he understands the ache. Even though this journey is unbelievably difficult, I know He is here with me every step of the way, holding me up and giving me strength. 

Happiness during hard times

This week, I have learned that being happy and at peace doesn’t always mean that my life is going according to plan. Things do not have to be perfect for me to experience joy. In fact, having peace has nothing to do with circumstances! It has everything to do with attitude. 

Even when the world around you is crumbling apart, you can experience peace. Happiness. Joy. All you have to do is turn your thoughts around and focus on God. 

I challenge you to turn your thoughts when you feel yourself going “dark”. Find the light today. Experience joy even within the chaos. 

  

Happy Friday!

Continue to find the positive in the every day, and make today an incredible day! 

Love you guys!  

 

Positivity Challenge

Last night I posted about how I have been very anxious and negative over the past few weeks, and I proclaimed that this week I am going to only focus on positivity. 

It is very important for those of us with anxiety disorders, or any mental disorder, to not dwell on negative feelings. We are prone to feelings of despite, but we can combat them by not allowing them to bounce around in our minds. 

Today, I challenge you to look past the darkness and find the light. Even if it is only a sliver. Acknowledge the good in your life and little by little your mind will align with it. 

The not so perfect life

Is my life perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination. I have scrapes, scars and baggage that often slows me down. However, I have discovered that love covers all imperfections. God has given me and incredible family and they have been there during my darkest, and most anxious, days. They have watched me fight the battles of my mental disorders, and have never once left my side. I am loved because of my imperfection. Because I am not defined by the blemishes in my life, but by my heart. Anxiety has not defeated me because my heart is full of joy and peace in the face of my trials. 

Purhaps we need to redefine what perfection is? God, and those who truly love us, don’t love us conditionally. They make a decision everyday to continue showering us with love no matter what we do. That sounds pretty perfect to me!

Back from the Vet!

Tripod, minus 8 teeth,  is back from the vet! I was so nervous all day and I am happy to report that it was for nothing! The surgery went well and she is happily resting.  

On the way home from the vet, she felt well enough to do a mini photo shoot with me in the car! 

Thank you for all your kinds thoughts and prayer! You are all wonderful!

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