Having an anxiety disorder is difficult. Sprinkle on being a MOM with an anxiety disorder; well that’s an entirely new story! I have been working to navigate my anxiety since my beautiful daughter was born 8 months ago. It has been under control, for the most part, but there are times when it isn’t. Those are the rough times. Extra so now that I have Eisley.
There are SO many things to worrry about as a parent! I had no idea! Pretty much everything is a hazard. Yesterday I gave her some remnants of the peanut I had eaten off my finger, and afterwards I was terrified she was going to have an allergic reaction! (She didn’t by the way. She was fine!)
I try not to think about what could go wrong, or what could hurt her, too much. But it’s hard not to. When I find myself lost in panic, I turn my thoughts into prayers, and do my best to let God take it. Easier said than done, but it is a work in progress.
As of now, my anxiety is low and I have been soaking up the joy of the weekend. It is monsoon season here in Arizona, and it rained all day! It was amazing!
I am working on living in the moment with my husband and daughter, and I am treasuring the blessings they both bring me each day. Even though anxiety sucks, I refuse to let it steal anymore time from me! I will carry on in spite of it! God gives me the strength to defeat it!
It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress! So many things have been going on since my last post! School (work) has started up again and I have hit the ground running! My students this year are great, so far, and I am loving this year. I feel like I am more prepared with my lessons, and since I was so sick last year, while I was pregnant, this year I am feeling so much more energetic! I am really looking forward to seeing what this school year brings.
My daughter is doing really well! If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my daughter was born in December, at 30 weeks. We spent 50 days in the NICU and we have been home since the end of February. The doctor said that she will not experience any long term effects of her prematurity! YAY! The only thing we are working on right now is trying to bulk her up! She weighs 12 pounds 3 ounces now, which is huge compared to her 2 pounds 14 ounces. She is such an incredible little human being! Last week she started rolling over from her back to her tummy! YAY! I am so proud of her and how she has come over the last few months.
My anxiety has been been under control over the last few months, and I am so thankful. I still have days where it feels so heavy, and uncomfortable, but I am able through it. My husband has also been very supportive whenever my anxiety has shown up. He will remind me how strong I am, and let me know how it will pass.
Well, that is my life in a quick few paragraphs! I am going to try and commit to writing more often, because I totally miss you guys! Blogging is so therapeutic!
My day started out with a bit of unexplained anxiety, which annoyed me greatly. As many of you know, anxiety comes around for no reasons a lot of the time, which is what makes it so frustrating! However, I didn’t let it ruin my day! I went to the gym, swam in my pool, and by the time the day was over I realized I had beaten the anxiety, and had a wonderful day!
I praise God for helping me to get to this point because I haven’t always been able to beat anxiety in less than a day. Sometimes it took months.
If you are in the fight with anxiety, don’t give up. You can beat it.
I have tried to not dwell on my anxiety about going back to work after my maternity leave, and just focus on my daughter these last few days. Just looking at her reminds me of how incredible God is. How far he has carried us over the last four months. I will get through going back to work. God gives me the strength to do it, even when I feel like I can’t. He is my strength.
Anxiety will always be my battle, but it doesn’t always have to win. I choose to take back my mind. It cannot steal anymore time away from me.
Today, I experienced a little bit of anxiety. The most annoying part of the experience was that I didn’t know why I was anxious. That is the worst! It sucks when I can’t identify the cause, because I feel like I can’t actively work to make it better. However, I didn’t let it ruin my day. I snuggled my baby, worked out, got my nails done, had dinner with my husband, and watched Kong: Skull Island (which was pretty good!) I still have a touch of anxiety, about a 1 out of 10, but I did my best to push past it and not let it control me.
What are some ways you have pushed past your anxiety?
Today I drove my brother to the airport at Las Vegas, which is a few hours from where I live, and I had zero anxiety! It was such a smooth and relaxing drive, which I really needed since my time as been devoted to caring for my newborn daughter – She stayed at home with daddy. listened to music and sang as loud as I could! It was fantastic!
Two and a half years ago, On a family trip to Vegas, I was unable to get on a bus because it induced a panic attack. It was a really low moment for me because I had never let my family see how bad my anxiety had gotten. However, shortly after the event, I decided to take a huge step and talk to my doctor about what I can do to help. He started medication, Paxil, and it was the best decision I ever made. I have not had a panic attack since that vacation!
So today felt really special since, considering what I had experienced two years earlier, I was able to relax and drive!
As I posted yesterday, I have had ruminations and reoccurring thoughts about getting sick in public A LOT since I have gotten pregnant. To summarize yesterday’s post, these thoughts have slowly taken over my thought patterns and have been keeping me from doing much outside of work or home.
So today, my husband and I went to Las Vegas (about an hour from our home) to pick up my brother at the airport. Over the last few weeks, I have spent a lot of my thought energy on being nervous about the trip due to my frequent “morning” sickness. I didn’t want to get sick while on the road, or when I was trying to walk around the city. However, over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time in prayer working to renew my mind, break down these thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I no longer want to be controlled by my anxiety.
I am happy to report that I did not have any anxiety today on our trip! I am beyond thrilled and I am I immensely proud of myself for getting outside my pregnancy comfort zone! I had an amazing day!
As you know, just about a month ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. It has been a very turbulent month, emotionally and physically, for the both of us. I have been wrestling with my Faith in trying to understand why all this happened. I am learning that I am not going to figure out why this is all happening. I just need to continue to trust in spite of my lack of understanding.
I have had a difficult time dealing with all the emotions, because grief is not something I have dealt with very much. Anxiety is what I know, and I know how to control it. Sadness is quite different. I know that I have to just cry when I feel like it and learn to express my anger appropriately. I have started working out more and eating healthy. I want to take this time to heal my body internally and externally.
Each day is a journey and I am going to continue staying positive and trusting that everything will someday work out.
My anxiety has taken over much of my “mind space” lately and it is my goal to actively work to change that. Over the years, I have learned that whatever my mind is dwelling on, I become. So, I have been a very snippy, irritably and anxious person.
To begin changing my thoughts, I started my day with quiet time to reflect on God. I have been neglecting reflection time, and I believe it is important to quiet our minds and have them alined with God.
Today, each time I have a negative thought, I am going to combat it with a positive one.
Have any of you had to retrain your minds to be positive? What did you do?