Long time!!

It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress! So many things have been going on since my last post! School (work) has started up again and I have hit the ground running! My students this year are great, so far, and I am loving this year. I feel like I am more prepared with my lessons, and since I was so sick last year, while I was pregnant, this year I am feeling so much more energetic! I am really looking forward to seeing what this school year brings.

My daughter is doing really well! If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my daughter was born in December, at 30 weeks. We spent 50 days in the NICU and we have been home since the end of February. The doctor said that she will not experience any long term effects of her prematurity! YAY! The only thing we are working on right now is trying to bulk her up! She weighs 12 pounds 3 ounces now, which is huge compared to her 2 pounds 14 ounces. She is such an incredible little human being! Last week she started rolling over from her back to her tummy! YAY! I am so proud of her and how she has come over the last few months.

My anxiety has been been under control over the last few months, and I am so thankful. I still have days where it feels so heavy, and uncomfortable, but I am able through it. My husband has also been very supportive whenever my anxiety has shown up. He will remind me how strong I am, and let me know how it will pass.

Well, that is my life in a quick few paragraphs! I am going to try and commit to writing more often, because I totally miss you guys! Blogging is so therapeutic!

No more Breastmilk !’

Over the last few months, breastmilk has ruled my life! I pump a million times a day, and constantly worry if I am producing enough milk for my LO. BUT no more! 

Here’s a quick little back story for those who haven’t read my previous posts.  December 23, 2016 my daughter came into the world 10 weeks early because of my severe preeclampsia. After 50 days in the NICU, she is 100% healthy and beautiful! 
Ever since she was born, I have been pumping breastmilk, however, my milk does not have enough calories to give her enough weight. Our doctor told us that we need to switch to exclusively using formula to fatten her up. It was difficult to hear that I was able to provide her with enough fat, but I have been trying to focus on the positive. 
Since switching over to formula, she has put on nearly a pound in just a week! Yay! As for pumping, I have been weaning myself off the pump, and today is my first day without pumping! It’s incredible and terrifying at the same time. I didn’t expect so much guilt to come along with quitting, but I also have so much more time on my hands! I am learning that being a mom is all about conflicting emotions! 

My Baby’s Developmental Update

Sorry It took me so long to finally post this information, but last week, we had my daughter’s four month developmental check after being released from her NICU stay and it went well! We are most worried about her weight, because right now her weight is not even on the preemie growth scale. So we are going to switch from breastmilk to primarily formula, with one bottle of breast milk a day. I am both excited and guilty about this change.

If I am honest, I HATE pumping! It takes so much time, and it is incredibly uncomfortable. I am looking forward to not having to do that anymore, but another part of me feels incredible guilt. I feel like I am suppose to be able to provide food for my daughter, but an unable to do it. Like something is wrong. Also, I think that during our NICU stay, pumping milk was the only way I could provide for her, so a part of me feels like I am no longer helping. I know that isn’t true, but that is the thought process that is taking over as I switch to formula.

The other thing we learned during our checkup is that our daughter is a month delayed with her gross motor skills. Since her weight is so low (it’s 9 pounds 5 ounces now! YAY) she is still somewhat stiff. Our homework is to do at least an hour of tummy/play time a day, which I’m sure many of you know, babies despise tummy time! However, as we have worked on tummy time this week, she is getting use to it and has been able to stay on her tummy for almost five minutes! YAY! Last week we couldn’t even do 30 seconds!

Through all of this chaos I am remembering that God is in control, and he has a plan for my baby girl. She is healthy, and that is what matters. Thank you for following along with my story! I am going to try and update more often 🙂 I promise!

OH! And for those of you who read about my anxiety, things have been pretty calm. If there was ever a time in my life where I had a right to be anxious, it would be now, but for the most part, it has been under control. I still have my days of high anxiety, but I am able to take back control relatively easily. Praise God!

Continued Anxiety

Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have  completely taken me by surprise. 

Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all. 

I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow. 

We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time. 

Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?

Powerful Emotions

Since becoming a parent, I have noticed that my emotions are bigger and deeper than I ever thought possible. I have a difficult time watching shows or movies where children are hurt or seperated from their parents, because I can fully understand how it would feel. 

Today I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy that was about a pregnant woman who died after a car crash, but her baby was saved. This story felt a lot like my own since I was rushed to the hospital with extreme preeclampsia and my family stayed for a week with me. Clearly, I didn’t die nor did my precious baby, but the story felt too close to home. Since I watched the episode, I have experienced anxiety. Although I got to take my baby home from the hospital almost two months ago, I can still feel every emotion clearly. The fear. The anxiety. The helplessness. I will never forget those feelings. 

I praise God every day, every moment, that I hold my daughter in my arms. He is who saved us. He brought us through the desert of pain and heartbreak into a oasis of life and love. 

No Longer a Preemie (clothing wise)!

Today was a good day! I was able to fit some yoga in between Eisley’s naps so my body, that was once tight and cramped, is feeling pretty good. I was also able to get in about 7 hours of sleep, in 2 hour increments due to her frequent feedings. 

HUGE NEWS! She has outgrown her preemie clothes! Tonight I when went to snuggle her into her jammies, they didn’t fit! It was an incredibly exciting moment! A huge anxiety for me concerning Eisley, is her weight. She gains very slowly and is pretty slow with her feedings. She has been like that since her NICU days. So I was relieved to see that she is outgrowing her tiny clothes! YAY! 

I thank God for continuing to be with Eisley as she grows and helps her develop. Her first two months have not been easy, by any means, and I know he has been there every step of the way. 

Eisley was very excited for her breakfast!

Baby Update!

After 50 long and tedious days in the NICU, we were finally released on February 11! It was an incredible day. Simply walking her through the doors of the hospital and brining her out into the sunshine filled our hearts with bliss. We have been home just over two weeks now and we are getting into the parenting routine. My husband has gone back to work and I am officially a stay at home Mom for the next few months. It has been a hard adjustment in terms of my expectations. Being a mom in the NICU requires a different set of emotional coping skills than being a mom with a baby at home. In the NICU we had A nurse help us if we don’t know what to do, or need help with feedings. Obviously, here at home we don’t have that help. I never knew it would be so exhuasting. I mean, people tell you how exhausting it but you never know until you actually are there in the moment. However, I wouldn’t trade it ❤ we are so happy to have her home! 

Waiting to Leave

My baby girl is doing an incredible job in the NICU! The only hurdle she has to conquer before we go home is eating on her own. Slowly but surly she is getting there. I am so proud of her. 

However, I have to admit that I have some anxiety about this process. We have been in the NICU, 3 hours away from home, for 34 days and I desperately want to go home. Inside I feel so much anxiety and pressure for her to be able to eat. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. I know she is still learning and it’s hard for her, but a part of me just wants her to hurry up and do it so I can take her home. 

Right now we are using a bottle to feed her since she is so small. It’s easier to tell how much she drank compared to breast feeding. However I feel anxious that I am not breastfeeding too. It is something I want to do but she found it more difficult that using the bottle. There are just so many emotions with this part of our NICU journey! I am feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. 

However, I know God is in control and His plan is perfect. We are here in the NICU for a reason. He has brought our baby girl so far and he will continue to do so. I just need to remember that. ❤

How am I a Mom?!

My Heart is So Full

My daughter is beautiful

I am now a MOM!!

 

I am still blown away by the fact that I am a mom now. It is such an incredible feeling too look at that beautiful baby girl and know that she is the creation of me and my husband. She has been so strong, and is such a fighter. She has been on in the NICU for 29 days today, and is getting closer to going home!

Missing my baby…

Being a NICU mom is incredibly challenging. It is day 26 for Eisley in the NICU, she is doing great, but as I wake up at 2 am to pump, I wish she was here with me instead of at the hospital. I wish that I was breastfeeding here and comforting her in the middle of the night instead of setting an alarm to pump into bottles for her NICU stockpile. I wish I could hold her and snuggle her right now and not have to wait until my 20 minute car ride later today. 

I know that God has a plan for all of this, and I trust Him completely. He knows that my heart yearns for my baby girl to be near me, and he understands the ache. Even though this journey is unbelievably difficult, I know He is here with me every step of the way, holding me up and giving me strength.