An Anxious Haiku

Anxiety sucks

It makes life so hard sometimes

But it makes me strong

A New Anxiety

Since I have been pregnant, I have not experienced any of my normal anxiety symptoms. However, upon deeper self reflection, and some conversations with family, I have realized that my anxiety has shifted into constant thoughts of vomiting.

Let me say here that before I got pregnant, I always had an extreme hatred of throwing up. I had a slight anxiety of getting sick in public, although I’m not sure why, because it has never happened.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and I have been throwing up A LOT! Morning sickness does not just occur during the morning. As a result of this sickness, I have begun to have ruminations about getting sick in public or when out to eat, since I have gotten sick several times while eating at home. I have noticed that I spend A LOT of my day thinking and fearing getting sick outside of my home. I have several trips over the next few weeks (vacation and work trainings) and for the last several weeks I have been stressed out about them. I am afraid to drive in the car, eat at a restaurant, stay in a hotel, and the list goes on. These constant thoughts cycle around in my head any time I have a quiet moment.

God brought to my attention that these constant ruminations were stealing my peace and joy. I have been avoiding socializing or traveling because of the fear of getting/feeling sick. I have desperately wanted to enjoy being pregnant but these thoughts have been getting in my way.

So, today I decided that I am going to renew my mind. I spent a lot of the morning in prayer and began to combat the thoughts that have been taking over. Every time I had a thought about feeling or getting sick, I would say “No, I am fine” or “So what, there is a trashcan over there”. I kept saying positive things to myself instead of negative. I am beginning to feel my mind lighten slightly and the idea of travel doesn’t seem so scary.

With my anxiety, in the past, I have been in a place where I didn’t want to leave the house, and I promised myself I would never get there again. I will not allow these thoughts to control me, or take away the joy of this pregnancy any longer. God has given me this child, and yes I may be getting sick at times, but I will no longer allow that to keep me from experiencing peace. I am taking back control of my mind.

Puking because of what you see?

This seems to be my problem since I got pregnant. Yesterday I saw someone blow a snot rocket and I have thrown up three time since seeing it. I already have obsessive thoughts due to my anxiety disorder, but they have been under control for awhile now. However, ever since yesterday this moment keeps playing in my mind over and over and it won’t stop. Unfortunately, now that I’m pregnant I throw up all the time. So I am stuck in this never ending cycle of snot rockets and vomit.

Earlier in my pregnancy I threw up because my sink looked really gross and I’m not sure if I am the only one who throws up because of things I see. It is really bizzare. Smells don’t bother me very much but sight does. 

Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any advice how to get out of my endless mental cycle today? 

Thank you for letting me vent. It has been a rough 24 hours. 

Acceptance was the Key

After living with an anxiety disorder for 31 years I have found that acceptance was the best decision I ever made. I wasted so many years wishing I had any other affliction. Wishing I was someone else. Cursing myself for being the way I was. However, over the last two years I have stopped being so hard on myself and have finally learned that I am ok. My anxiety doesn’t define me. I am not just an anxiety sufferer. I am a woman with anxiety. I am a woman first. I am so many other things! A writer. Teacher. Wife. Learner. Adventurist. Artist. And so much more. I cannot define myself solely based on my disorder.

I have also learned that , I cannot wish it away. It is part of who I am, and like it or not, it has molded me into the woman that I am today. So, I have learned to accept it. I accept that my life will not always be easy. There will be days when I want to hide away from the world, or days when I don’t understand why I am afraid. I will be frustrated, angry and anxious. That is the hard truth. But on the other side, I will emerge stronger! My anxiety will no longer tear me down. It will build me up even taller. It is part of who I am, and I am finally able love all of me. 

Confession

While, overall, I have been having a mostly anxiety free week, I have been experiencing low levels of anxious undercurrent about starting up this new school year. 

The first three days of school are for us teachers to be trained on various changes and procedures and then the kids come Thursday. 

My anxiety has been circling around the trainings. I couldn’t figure out why until tonight. My first year teaching I ended up having a slight panic attack during the staff meeting. I clearly remember having all 30 some staff members sitting in a circle with our principal talking about procedures. I vividly remember getting very hot and then my stomach feeling like it was going to dispel my breakfast. I spent nearly 20 minutes in the bathroom trying to calm down.

This experience was 4 years ago, and nothing like that has happened again, but obviously the feeling of apprehension still lingers. However, this time around I will have my husband on the administration staff so I will be able to have his presence as a comfort in case I were to experience an attack. 

I am going to stay positive and remember the great things that are going on this year! Anxiety is not invited! 

Why are we afraid?

Why are we so afraid of mental health? Why is it such a taboo topic in our society? Maybe it is because it is an illness in the brain and that is something we associate with crazy? Maybe it is because it is something we don’t fully understand and that ignites fear. Or perhaps it is because we feel like it is something we cannot control? 

Whatever the reason may be, a shroud of darkness lingers around whenever mental health is discussed. I, myself, have had those types of connotations about mental health, however, I now see it in a different light since I have been going my own understanding of my anxiety disorder. Yes, mental disorders are scary and can mess with the chemicals that influence our emotions, choices and thoughts. However, I believe it is time for us to stop being afraid of what we don’t understand and work towards gaining knowledge and understanding of the inner workings of mental disorders and mental health!

Reliving pain through words

For the last week I have been staying at my parents house, the house where I grew up, and tonight I came across my old journals. I would write in them every night, sometimes more, to make sure I captured every moment of my day. My husband had looked through them a few years ago and mentioned how sad a few of the journals were sad. I knew he was telling the truth but I couldn’t bring myself to reread them at the time, because the anxiety I felt in those pages still effected me to that day. 

There were three solid years of darkness for me. The pain was in NO WAY caused by a single event or family member. My parents offered me every opportunity in their power and worked hard to make sure my life was comfortable. There are no words to express how grateful I am for having them as my parents. However, no one in my family, myself included, realized I was battling an internal war with anxiety.

 It really started to wear me down and I was terrified because I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I didn’t feel right. 

Tonight I decided to look at the journals and flip through them. After this year of healing, I was able to separate the woman I am today from the girl I was then. I really was sad and scared. It was almost too difficult to read. 

Tonight I am feeling very blessed that I have come so far with the help of God, my family and my friends. I was in such a dark place and i never imagined I could ever live in a place of light! I can go days without anxiety, when all those years ago I couldn’t even go a minute. 

Remember, there is hope when you feel that there is none. 

Here is a snapshot of an entry I wrote… I have always addressed my journals to God, so that is who I am talking to.    

Here are the three journals that are filled with the worst years of my anxiety. I am so glad that I have come so far! 

 

Laughing lightens the heart

In the moments when my anxiety has been heaviest, I have discovered that laughter helps me heal. Whether a students makes silly jokes, my husband tries to lighten my burdens, or my dogs are just weird; laughing makes it all seem less painful. 

I have learned that laughing about my struggle with anxiety has truly made the disorder less powerful. Before, I use to keep it hidden in the darkness, but now I can bring it to light and view it with humor. 

Remember to find moments to laugh! You won’t regret it! 

  

Prays for safe travel and anxiety

Tomorrow my husband and I are heading to Ohio to visit my family! I am so excited! I love going home to visit and hang out with my family and friends! YAY!

As for the anxiety side of things: I am doing extremely well! I have ZERO anxiety! I only feel pure, unadultered excitement! However, my husband is experiencing a lot of anxiety because he does not enjoying flying. His anxiety really manifested itself today because he was cleaning abd rearranging nearly everything. He experiences a lot of anxiety when his routine is altered or he feels out of control. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I want him to enjoy his time and most importantly be at peace. 

OH! On a positive note! I got new luggage today ! 

  

Dream in peace

The night is here now

Don’t let anxiety win

Dream only in peace