Becoming a new parent has come with many new emotions I never expected to experience. Everything feels bigger. Deeper. More intense. These over the top emotions have completely taken me by surprise.
Right now, as I have written about a few times over the last few weeks, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety about going back to work. Not because I don’t enjoy my job, because I love my job, but because I am anxious about leaving my daughter all day. Right now I can hold her when she cries, play with her, snuggle, and give her huge kisses all day long. But when I go back, I won’t be able to do those things when I want. I love the routine we have together. It’s simple – just feeding, sleeping, diaper changing, and cuddling- but I adore it. I am just going to miss it all.
I know that part of my anxiety to leave her is because she is a preemie. She was born 10 weeks early, due to my severe preeclampsia, and spent 50 days in the NICU before she was able to come home. Despite all of the trauma she went through in those first 50 days, she is healthy and on target! She was healthy her entire stay in the NICU. She just needed time to grow.
We have been through so much together and have only spent 1 day apart in her four months of life. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to be anxious about going back to a job that I love. I am actively working on changing my mindset, but I am having a difficult time.
Have any of you had similar situations about going back to work after a baby?
I hope you all had a great Easter, I know I did! Yesterday’s post talked about how my daughter had her first Easter service experience, and today she had her actual first Easter. It was very low key, which was nice. My husband and I made dinner (ham, potatoe skins and pecan pie) and we watched an old classic Disney movie that I loved as a kid – Blackbeard’s Ghost.
Before we put our daughter to bed, we read the story of Easter to her, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt so incredible to be sharing the story of The resurrection with her, even though she doesn’t get it yet.
I am loving experiencing first holidays with her and making new traditions as a family.
I am still blown away by the fact that I am a mom now. It is such an incredible feeling too look at that beautiful baby girl and know that she is the creation of me and my husband. She has been so strong, and is such a fighter. She has been on in the NICU for 29 days today, and is getting closer to going home!
If you were able to read my last post, on Dec 23 my baby girl – Eisley – arrived 10 weeks early. She has been doing really well. She is breathing on her own for the last few weeks, has been putting on weight and then yesterday she had the temperature in her incubator bed. We were able to put clothes on for the first time, and it was such an exciting moment. She wasn’t overly excited about wearing clothes, but once she was snuggled in, she settled down.
Life in the NICU is always on the edge of uncertainty. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that things are going to go back down again. I appreciate the nurses being so open and willing to answer questions that we have. That really helps with the anxiety that constantly hovers around the NICU.
What helps me the most is relying on God. I have been learning that there is nothing that I can control. Prayer is what brings me comfort. I trust that God has a plan is strengthening me as a woman and a mother as he continues to help my baby girl grow and develop.
My baby girl is so strong and she is my hero! I love holding her in my arms and listening to her little coos. I love her with all of my heart.
I truly want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your condolences and prayers that have been offered over the last few days. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support you have all showered on me and my husband. So many of you have shared your stories of miscarriage and loss, and my heart goes out to each one of you. However, I truly thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me get through this.
After going through the Foster Care orientation training last night, my husband and I are both in agreeance that God is leading us to foster/adopt (which is incredibly exciting). Now, the next question we need to discuss is what we are going to do about having our own child. We agree that we want to have our own baby and adopt, however, we need to decide which comes first. Biological or adoption?
Originally, we were going to begin trying to get pregnant in March, but if we foster/adopt first then we need to push that back. But if we do biological first, then maybe we should start trying earlier?
These are the questions my husband and I are debating. They are huge, life-changing questions and we do not want to make a decision lightly. Thank you for all your prayers and words of wisdom. If you have any comments, please let me know!
For the last two years, by husband has been working on getting his Master’s degree, and on Wednesday, HE FINISHED IT! I am so proud of him and all the dedication he devoted to his degree. It was a difficult two years, for both of us, but now we are on the other side and it was totally worth it! A whole new chapter of our lives has started! We can spend more time just hanging out together and enjoy growing closer without any distractions.
Over the last few days, we have actually been talking about something very exciting and life changing! Having a BABY!! I have posted in the past about my baby fever that has been raging for months! However, my darling husband has never really caught the fever until recently! I think it because he can no think of anything other than his homework. No that his mind can relax and think about the other things he wants in his life, he is able to think about expanding our family!! Today we talked about when we should start trying and when we would ideally (we know we can’t plan everything) we would like to have it! Oh my goodness! It is so exciting!
I still am worried about how my anxiety will react to pregnancy, but I am continuing to do research and talk about options with my doctor. I want to be sure that I am healthy and fit so that I can provide the best home for my little baby! 🙂
I will keep you updated on how the process if going! I cannot wait to share it all with you guys!
In the schedule of our hectic and crazy lives, we often forget to keep ourselves on our own priority list. There always seems to be someone else who needs to be taken care of, a task that can’t be completed by anyone else, or a sick child who needs loving care. In the rush of daily existence, don’t forget about yourself. If you are not well, then how are you going to effectively help those around you.
What are some ways you can begin to take a little time for yourself to just refresh and start over? What things to do you enjoy but have to push aside in the name of “helping others”? Think about these questions and find a slot of time in your calendar to pencil in “Date Night with Me”
I am finding that the closer I come to 30, just over 1 month, the higher my baby fever roses. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have always had a concern about how my body will react to pregnancy, my anxiety in particular. About a month ago I went and spoke with my doctor and discussed my options. I am happy that there are options for women with anxiety who become pregnant. I feel that a weight is off my shoulders now and I can have actually have a baby and most of my fears are just that. Fear. I have an amazing husband and family who will be there for me and help me every step of the way! I am looking forward to seeing what this year brings! Perhaps there will be a little one now that that is possible! YAY!
My husband and I are nearing the point in our lives were we are wanting to truly consider becoming parents, and I don’t mean to our dogs. Real human beings. Or perhaps just a singular being. There are lots of unknown questions and fears we both have in regards to this area because we want to be sure we are ready and prepared when the little fellow arrives. I know parenthood is not something that can be planned for 100%, but since I struggle with anxiety I want to be proactive.
My biggest fear about being a parent is that my anxiety will get in the way of me being able to be a good parent. Logically in my mind I know I will be a good mother, since I “raise” my students well at school. However, the anxious part of my brain tells me that I will be a mess! To fight back my own anxiety, I am going to arm myself with knowledge and support from friends and family. I want to be open about the struggles and the triumphs as my husband and I begin to map out this journey.
I wanted to share this with you because you have all be so supportive of my anxious conquerings and so many of you have given me such wonderful advice! Thank you for helping me win this battle!