Sorry I have been absent for a few days, but things have been a little crazy! This last week I decided to begin my own little photography business! I have wanted to for years, but it never seemed right. However, this Christmas I received a new MacBook Pro (yay!!) and Photoshop, and more people have been asking for my photography services, so I decided to go forward do it!
It is incredibly exciting!! However, I do feel slightly exposed, because what if people see my work and think it sucks? Or no one ever sets up any appointments, and it goes nowhere..? I didn’t expect to feel as if I was standing naked in front of everyone! I am proud of my work, but putting it out there as a profession is intimidating!
So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and kind about everything! It’s been kinda wild, to be honest! But I am looking forward to seeing where this all leads!
I have been reflecting on the last few weeks and all that we have been through with the miscarriage. After looking back, I have realized that I had not dealt with my grief in a healthy manner and it was manifesting itself as anger. I was exploding at everything. No matter how small. The target of most of my rants was my husband because he is the one closest to me. He withstood all of my anger until this weekend. He confronted me and let me know that I had not been dealing with my own pain and I that I needed to face it. He held me in his arms and as soon as I was in his embrace, I let it out. I just cried for over an hour, until I fell asleep with my head in his lap.
After my mini-meltdown I am feeling noticeably different. I still feel the ache of my missing child, but it doesn’t feel as sharp. I am able to talk about what happened instead of pretending I was never pregnant. I also have noticed that I am able to enjoy the day now. Before, my mind was stuck on an endless loop of disappear, but I can now see past that.
This entire situation has been incredibly challenging in all areas in my life, but if I can find any good from it, I would have to say that it has strengthened my marriage. From the moment we heard that we were suffering a miscarriage, we clung to each other. He encouraged me, let me cry, and loved me unconditionally. I know, for a fact, that if I did not have my husband, I would not be able to move on. I am so blessed.
In the moments when my anxiety has been heaviest, I have discovered that laughter helps me heal. Whether a students makes silly jokes, my husband tries to lighten my burdens, or my dogs are just weird; laughing makes it all seem less painful.
I have learned that laughing about my struggle with anxiety has truly made the disorder less powerful. Before, I use to keep it hidden in the darkness, but now I can bring it to light and view it with humor.
Remember to find moments to laugh! You won’t regret it!
Perhaps we should change the way we think about our hardships. Instead of seeing them as something that holds us back, I say that we view them as what catapults us into our futures. Our struggles are what shape us into the people we are today. Would like be infinitely better without hardship? Yes. A thousand times, yes! However, to get a beautiful photograph, it must first be a negatice. It then goes through the long process of development, and only after that can it be turned into a photograph.
This is a fantastic metaphor for our lives. We will always face hard times, however, to overcome them we must keep the bigger picture in mind. The pain we feel now, during development, is NOT the end result! It is only refining us to become what we are created to be! To be strong and courageous and a light to those around us.
Remember that when you experience pain, you are growing into the person you are meant to be!
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just drive to the dump and drop off our emotions? Bury them under mounds of dirt and compact them deep down into the ground with giant trucks? Unfortunately we cannot throw our emotions into a giant put, but we can face them. We can tackle them head on and admit the truth of our struggles. It may seem scary, but in truth, if we buried our problems they only get worse. Once we expose our pain, we can begin the healing process.
I was reminded of this when my husband and I went to the Landfill today and I was thinking how nice it would be to leave my anxiety with all the junk we left behind.
Have a fantastic day and remember you are stronger than your pain!
Over this past year, I have learned that admittingI have an anxiety disorder to others, as well as myself, has created a sense of freedom and lightness within my emotional wellbeing. I have always been ashamed of my struggle because I was under the impression that others would think I was weird or broken in someway. However, I am finding that everyone has a hidden the struggle and people tend to be accepting of them.
I don’t recommend going around telling everyone you meet your secrets, but if the time is right and the relationship is secure, I believe it is ok to open up about your struggles. The support I have gained, and the amount of people who have admitting the same struggles, has been overwhelming and wonderful!
Remember, you are not alone in your fight! We are in this together!
We all have dreams and aspirations we strive towards through the course of our lives. What are the teams you are working towards? And if you are not working towards them, what is holding you back?
As I have mentioned before, I have always dreamt of writing a novel or a kids book. I am not currently writing, but I am brainstorming. I think there is a fear of failure that follows me around and keeps me from fulfilling this dream. I need to change this!
I just wanted to take this time to thank all of you for all the support and kindness you have given me on this blog as I have revealed some of my darkest moments to you. In the beginning, I wanted to be sure to be completely honest in hopes that I could help at least one person no longer feel like they were traveling this anxious road alone. Had I been able to find that one person, maybe I could have come to terms with my anxiety sooner. Regardless of how I discovered my own disorder, I do not regret anything that I have gone through in the past because it has made me who I am today, and I have been able to use these experiences to share with all of you!
Thank you again for being so kind and loving! You continually give me strength to share my journey with all those who need to hear it.