Tomorrow I return back to work after an amazing two week Christmas vacation. I loved every moment of the break (except when our entire family came down with the stomach flu, of course). It was wonderful to be able to sleep in and snuggle with my husband and daughter until the late morning. We would then wake up and have brunch and watch television, or listen to music until my daughter was ready for a nap. The best part of the entire vacation was being able to take a nap myself! I took soooo many! It was incredible. For the first time in a year, I finally feel rested!
A part of me is ready to go back to work, because I love teaching, but another part of me is grieving the time I have to give up with my daughter. I will miss being able to see her whenever I want, and hold her when I feel the desire to be snuggled. I can’t exactly do that with my middle school students (that would be frowned upon).
It will be difficult in the morning to drop her off at Grandma’s, but at least I know she is in excellent hands. I will be looking forward to seeing her face when I pick her up after work and she gives me the biggest, most adorable smile! That is what will get me through the day!
The tension has been building up inside of me for awhile, and tonight I am feeling it spilling over. Over the last few months, it seems like my daughter, my perfect, beautiful girl, likes her father better. She always wants him. She even cuddles with him – and she is a huge wiggler but not when he is holding her.
Now, I feel incredibly guilty for writing this, but sometimes he just takes charge and does EVERYTHING for her and it just frustrates me to no end! Since she has wanted him more lately, their relationship has really grown and he wants to nurture that and ends up doing almost everything for her. I end up feeling useless and washed up. It’s an awful feeling.
I’m not sure how to navigate these feelings, and that in itself is frustrating. I’m not sure how to explain how I feel or even how to make it better. I just wish she wanted me instead. I have a fear that she will always favor him and I’ll always be second.
It all feels petty as I am writing this, but it’s honest.
I want to say that My husband is amazing and wonderful. Don’t think I don’t love the way he treats and values our baby girl. I am thankful and I know how lucky I am to have him.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What did you do to help ease the feelings or guilt/shame/frustration etc?
I am reading Big Little Lies, and yes I know I’m late to jump on the bandwagon, but oh my word, I’m glad I finally jumped on! I saw part of the series during my maternity leave, but I didn’t get to finish it. I’m glad I waited to finish the series so I could read the book, but not knowing makes the book that much more delicious!
I have been reading every spare moment I have had today, and I have found myself rushing through chores to get back to reading! I’m about to go back!
No spoilers allowed yet: but have any of you read it?!
It makes life so hard sometimes
But it makes me strong
I can’t believe I made this beautiful baby girl (obviously with God’s help, OH and my husband! ) who just turned one!! She is incredible!
I just wanted to share this with you all! ❤️
This silly little girl is always up to something!! Today was a difficult day, because of my anxiety. It felt really high most of the day, and I found myself sinking into negativity, but when I saw my beautiful daughter, and held her in my arms, it all melted away. It feels as if God gave me my baby girl to remind me that my anxiety doesn’t control me.
I couldn’t resist taking this photo!
My heart fills with happiness.
Anxiety is chased away,
When we are together.
I thank God for this life.
Things use to be dark.
But God gave me strength,
To pull through.
Even though life throws curveballs
Those I love always stand by my side.
They give me strength when I’m weak.
They are my everything!
This New Year’s Eve I am content with staying home with my husband, daughter and dogs, snuggling on the couch.
Last year’s New Year’s Eve my daughter was in the NICU, and we were just told that she had a grade 1 brain bleed. Though, now it has cleared itself and hasn’t caused any long term problems, it was one of the worst days of my life. I can remember the cold sinking feeling that washed over my body.
So this year, I’m going to hold my baby girl closely, and thank God that he blessed the year 2017.
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2018 is a year of fresh starts!
Why does inspiration always hit at night,
When I am curled up in bed?
That idea always seems just right,
I am trying to clear my head!