This silly little girl is always up to something!! Today was a difficult day, because of my anxiety. It felt really high most of the day, and I found myself sinking into negativity, but when I saw my beautiful daughter, and held her in my arms, it all melted away. It feels as if God gave me my baby girl to remind me that my anxiety doesn’t control me.

Family Pulls Me Through

My heart fills with happiness.

Anxiety is chased away,

When we are together.

 

I thank God for this life.

Things use to be dark.

But God gave me strength,

To pull through.

 

Even though life throws curveballs

Those I love always stand by my side.

They give me strength when I’m weak.

They are my everything!

Quiet New Year’s Eve

This New Year’s Eve I am content with staying home with my husband, daughter and dogs, snuggling on the couch.

Last year’s New Year’s Eve my daughter was in the NICU, and we were just told that she had a grade 1 brain bleed. Though, now it has cleared itself and hasn’t caused any long term problems, it was one of the worst days of my life. I can remember the cold sinking feeling that washed over my body.

So this year, I’m going to hold my baby girl closely, and thank God that he blessed the year 2017.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2018 is a year of fresh starts!

Tackling a Goal – Fear of Failing

As the New Year approaches, it is inevitable to think about resolutions, or goals, we are going to set for ourselves for the next 365 days. Eat better. Loose weight. Work on cleaning the house more. I could work on all of these areas this year, but I want to focus on trying to fulfill one of my life long dreams: writing a novel. I have ALWAYS wanted to write a novel. I can remember being in early elementary school, and reading books, and thinking to myself that I would love to have a book of my own.

It seems that every time I come up with an idea, I get stuck somewhere along the way, and then I loose my motivation. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to fail, and by not ever completing a story, I can never fail. When I think about my own logic, it seems ridiculous. I have so many amazing stories in my mind, and I desperately want to share them with the world, and the first step to doing that is writing!

This year, I am focusing on writing! It’s time to put aside my fears and insecurities and start writing with abandon!

Do you have a goal you have always wanted to achieve but have been too afraid to do it? What are you working on this year?

I’m a mom of a 1 Year old!

Whoa! My daughter turned 1 today! It’s really hard to believe that she was born 365 days ago. She was two and a half months early, and weighed only 2 pounds 14 ounces. She was so strong and made it out of the NICU in 10 days with ZERO complications! She is my beautiful Christmas miracle. This year has truly changed my life! I adore being a mom.

1 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I was care-flighted to Phoenix, Arizona (4 hours away from home) due to severe preeclampsia. It was a terrifying day. I went into the hospital early in the morning on December 19, 2016 with a mild contractions. Since it was my first pregnancy, I hadn’t experienced contractions, so naturally I was scared. My husband and I left work early and we went into the ER, and once we got there we were sent to the OB triage.

I was immediately hooked up to an IV, and all kinds of monitors to keep an eye on my daughter. They told us that I was just dehydrated and I just needed to rest. They said I should be back to work by lunch. I remember thinking I was disappointed that I would have to go back to work! I had a cold so I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Having a cold, and being pregnant at the same time is not the greatest feeling.

As time went on, I started to notice the blood pressure cuff was still on my arm and they were continually. I hadn’t thought much of it, but the nurse started asking questions about my blood pressure history. I have never had any issues, and I was starting to get the feeling that something was wrong. However, no one said anything yet, other than just to relax, which, suddenly, was difficult to do.

After nearly an hour of monitoring, the doctor comes in and says he is not happy with the numbers of my blood pressure (204/100something) and he had been on the phone with a doctor in Phoenix, and I was going to be flown out in 15 minutes!! My husband and I were in complete shock! I will always remember my husband, who is normally so brave and composed, crying in the corner of the room as the nursing staff came in and prepped me to be taken to the helicopter. I saw it land right outside the window, and I just felt cold fear. I had no idea what was going on.

I remember telling my husband to grab my journal before he left town so I could write about what was going on with the pregnancy. Even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew it was all going to be apart of my daughter’s story, and I wanted to remember it.

The next thing I know, I am being stuffed into an incredibly tight helicopter and in the care of two technicians I had never seen before. They were very kind and helped me feel more comfortable. It took an hour and a half to fly to Phoenix, and it felt much longer. I couldn’t see very well out of the windows because the gurney I was on was far below the window. I just remember seeing blue sky, and the revolving shadow of the helicopter blades, which made me nauseous.

I spent the entire flight in prayer. I prayed for safety for my daughter. I prayed for calm nerves. I prayed for peace. I prayed for everything. I didn’t know how long I would be away from home, or even when I would see my husband. The only thing I knew was the God was with me, and He was in control – even though I felt completely out of control. I decided in that moment that I was going to trust Him to take care of me. And, I can happily say, He did.

My preeclampsia was too severe and they were unable to lower my blood pressure to a safe level, and my My daughter was born 4 days after I arrived in Phoenix at 30 weeks. She weighed 2 pounds 14 ounces and was absolutely perfect. I didn’t return back home until February 12, 2017! We spent 54 days in Phoenix in the hospital! It was along journey, but it made my family so much stronger. I thank God everyday for how wonderful my daughter is, and for keeping me safe. I know it could have been so much worse.

Christmas with a Baby!

This season is so much better with a child! I love it more than I ever thought I would. We had our first family celebration, with husband’s family, yesterday and my daughter loved it! She may not have noticed the gifts she got as much, but she certainly noticed the wrapping paper! She had so much fun playing in it!

I am looking forward to this next week as we make new traditions and share special moments.

My anxiety has been around a little more than I would like, around a 2 out of 10, and I am pushing through it and telling myself to focus on the beauty around me. I can beat this thing and enjoy Christmas.

My Joy

When I look at you and see your smile,

My heart stops.

Your laugh brings joy to my heart!

Your tiny hand that grips my finger,

Holds my heart.

I can’t imagine my life without you.

To my Joy. My beautiful daughter. It’s hard to believe she is going to be 1 year old in two weeks! Slow down time!