Apply Your Passion to Life

For the next few days I am going to be in a technology training that discusses ways to use technology in the classroom. I am very excited to learn about the new ways I can use technology in my life. I feel grateful that I have been able to find passion in my career and I love my job! Being a teacher can be utterly exhausting, but it is so incredibly rewarding. It is just so much to be spending time with kids and helping them learn things they have never been exposed to before.

I think it is important to find an outlet to express your passion, especially when you have anxiety or depression. When we are fighting a mental disorder it is important to get lost in an activity that we love! When we do something we love, we begin to feel better about ourselves. I know that whenever I am able to use my creativity, I feel accomplished and energized! Our passions drive our motivation!

What is your passion and how do you use it in your daily life?

Just hang on!

Just hang on.

It cannot last forever.

This is only temporary.

The pain you feel now wi making you strong.

Yes, now you feel defeated.

Victory is just around the corner.

So just hand on, my friend.

Just hang on.

Pushing Onward When Other Try to Push You Down

There are going to be times in your life when others are going to want to suppress your talent. When those around you are jealous of your abilities and they want to outshine you. And there are even going to be times when people just do not like you. Does this mean you are a terrible person? Not at all. It is just life. There are over 7 billion people in this world, and we are not all expected to be best friends. All that is expected of us is to show the same respect to one another that we would want to be shown towards ourselves.

Now, being an anxiety sufferer, this lesson is INCREDIBLY difficult. By nature, I am a people pleaser. I desire to be everyone’s friend and there are times when I have a come apart because someone is upset with me, or even looked at me strangely. I’m sure (at least I hope) I am not the only one with these same insecurities and anxieties. What we have to remember is that other people’s opinions DO NOT define who we are. We know who we are, and we must be confident in ourselves to not let the thoughts of other effect our self-worth.

I am continually learning this lesson. Even today. I have to remind myself, frequently, that I am a wonderful, kind, creative and loving woman, and nothing anyone else says or does will change who I am. I am loved by my family and friends and that is all that matters. OH and my dogs! They love me too! 🙂

The Anxious Wife

Having anxiety and being a good wife can be difficult. I know my anxiety can make me appear selfish. I get caught up in my own fear and worry and in the process forget about his needs. This has happened in the past so I am working to ensure this doesn’t become a regular occurrence. I want to be sure that my husband’s needs are met, however, I learned that if I do not take care of myself first, then I am in condition to be Wife of the Year.

When I was lost to anxiety last year I saw no one else. I felt nothing but anxiety and could think of little more. My husband wasn’t even on my radar. During that time we drifted far apart, and the worst thing about it was that I didn’t even notice. I was so wrapped up in myself that I lost sight of him. He was going through a lot in his life as well. Starting a new job, working towards his masters degree, and learning to manage his own anxiety while holding a position of leadership. I didn’t bother to reach out to him to support him. I only thought of how anxious I was.

I may sound a little hard on myself, however, it is reality. I don’t want to sugarcoat my behaviors. I think I needed a little Come To Jesus Talk. When I finally realized I needed help, and I got the help I needed was able to overcome my anxiety with the support of my family. It feels good to be able to help serve others instead of being trapped in my own anxiety.

I want to fulfill all of my husband’s needs and show him that he is truly loved. I am blessed to have a man who always stands beside me, in sickness and in health, and I will forever strive to return those vows. Anxiety or no Anxiety!

**P.S. Those rings in the picture are ours! He picked out the ring and I was so proud of him!**

It just blows my mind!

Ever since I have become open to discussing my struggles with anxiety, people around me have been opening up as well. Several co-workers have told me they suffer from anxiety as well and has said they wish they had known before to help ease their feeling of isolation. We all somehow find each other throughout the day and check in to see how we are each holding up. It’s a pretty awesome thing to be apart of. I never imagined people would accept me as I am, anxiety and all. It truly blows my mind in the best possible way.

If you are feeling isolated and alone, take a risk and open up to someone you trust. It feels incredible to no longer be alone.

I held onto my joy today!

There were several moments throughout the day where I could have given into negativity, but I held onto my joy! It felt good to reach the end of the day and still be positive. By being able to hold onto positive thoughts, I was able to talk with a co-worker who has been feeling very down, and provide him with encouragement. I am glad that I am able to hold myself together so I can help others.

I hope you all had a wonderful day. If you happened not to have a good day, hold on to the hope that things will get better. You can overcome! Be strong and push through.

The importance of support

When you suffer from anxiety, as I do, it is vital to have at least one person on whom you lean on during your most difficult times. A person who will love and accept you, just as you are. Someone who knows the way you need to be soothed during a panic attack, or knows just the right words to string together to form the perfect verbal cure for your affliction. Facing anxiety alone is never a wise decision. Believe me, I tried for years. In my own ignorance of my disorder, I felt that I could take care of myself. I thought that if I could not handle my own anxiety I was weak. However, as time has passed, and I have discovered more about anxiety, I realize now that my refusal to reach out for help, whether medical or emotional, was my true weakness. My pride blocked my road to healing for so many years. Once I was finally able to reach out to those around me, I began to heal and find my way back to myself.

My family has truly been the strongest support in my life. This includes my darling husband, loving parents, my supportive brother. My in-laws have also supported me in times when I needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to yell at. I would not be this far in the healing process without them.

I believe that God has been beside me throughout my entire journey, however, I was too stubborn to accept His guidance. I thought I would be able to face it myself and I knew better than He did. My way was best. Of course, I was wrong. Over the years I heard the faintest whisper to reach out and tell people what was really going on instead of hiding behind plastic smiles and forced laughter. Only when I decided to listen to the whispers and expose myself to those around me, did I receive the greatest blessing I could have ever received. Support. My biggest fear was that people would think I was crazy or creating drama in my own mind. I thought people would change their opinion of me and stop wanting to be around me. These thoughts couldn’t have been further from the truth. As I opened up about my struggle, more and more people opened up about theirs. I no longer feel alone. I feel loved and accepted. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we all want to be loved for who we are, and not who we pretend to be? It is one of the most incredible feelings to experience when you express your struggles and find acceptance waiting for you.

I encourage anyone who is hiding behind false happiness and fake joy to admit you are struggling to at least one person. Let someone know that your life is not as perfect as you let on, and you need someone to be there in your times of weakness. Be brave. I know you can be!

Acceptance is a Continual Process

Just a week or so ago, I wrote a post about discovering self acceptance with my ADHD and anxiety. I believe it would have good for me to go back and reread my own writing and take my own advice.  I was furious with myself on Sunday because of my inattentiveness I tend to overlook small details, such as booking the correct dates on Expedia for a family vacation. My husband and I have not been on many vacations since he has been working on his Masters degree, and we have finally found a weekend that we could get away and not worry about work or a homework assignment that needed to be completed. However, I did not double check the dates before I purchased our hotel room and ended up booking the wrong dates! Of course we had purchased the non-refundable package! I was so angry and frustrated with myself  that I was beyond words and spent most of the evening pouting about how horrible it is to be me. However, we did some calling around and were able to switch the dates, with no extra cost, so I am eternally grateful to Expedia. I ended up wasting a perfectly beautiful evening because of my tantrum and pity party. What a waste of energy.

I know this was really not a big deal looking back, but in the moment I was devastated. In the moment, I wished I didn’t have ADHD and that I could just be able to concentrate long enough to book a hotel room. Once I was able to figure out a plan to resolve the issue, and it was put into action, I felt much better about myself and was able to get back to a place where I loved my attention deficit again. I really have to learn to be more gracious with myself and remember I am not perfect. I will slip up, and there will be times where I mess up something. Guess What? It’s ok! The world didn’t end, and I will have gained a new understanding of how I operate as a woman.

Accepting my anxiety is also an everyday process. Just this morning I was upset by the fact that I am not yet strong enough to be independent from the daily dose of my medication. I hate that I rely on a little white pill to be balanced and un-anxious through the course of my day. I wish I could brush off anxiety and stress on my own, like everyone else. I desire nothing more than being able to move on after confrontation without another thought about it. However, that is not how it works for me. I cannot will my anxiety away. I cannot will the chemicals in my brain to suddenly correctly themselves. This is who I am and this is the way my God and Creator made me. I must remind myself in my low moments that my anxiety is grooming me for a greater plan. Something that I know nothing about, and may never know about, but there is a reason I have been chosen to carry this disorder, beyond just family genetics. I may be aggravated that this is a burden I must carry, but I CANNOT let it weigh me down. I must find the good and use it to drive away the darkness.

We all have parts of ourselves that we wish we no longer had, but remember that there is nothing about you that is wasteful. Everything about you is perfect! Everything. You are perfect and wonderful just as you are.

Self Acceptance

The road towards self acceptance, for me, has been a long and windy one. In high school I would often wish I was someone else. Someone who was beautiful, thin, confident and brilliant. I always felt I was too thick, too lazy, or too scared to ever be accepted by anyone. However, as I am growing older I am realizing that the only way for others to begin to accept me, is if I accept myself first.

People seem naturally drawn towards individuals who are confident in themselves. People who don’t apologize for being who they are and do not care if their true self is exposed. I feel I have finally reached a point in my life where I accepted ALL of who I am. I feel that I have come to peace with the fact that I am a curvy size 10/12 woman. It took forever to reach this point, but I finally love my body for what it is, and I no longer covet the smaller figure.

I have also learned to embrace my ADHD. Truthfully, I have always enjoyed being hyperactive and quick to comment. I have always felt that it made me unique. I am by no means saying I don’t get frustrated when I loose or forget about something, because I am constantly fighting that battle. The difference is that when I am frustrated, I no longer resent the fact that I have ADHD. I tell myself, yes this may be frustrating that this is happening to me, but it is who I am and it will only make me a stronger woman. 

However, I had not (until recently) accepted my anxiety. For years I would pray every night for God to take away my anxiety. To set me free from the chains of worry that were clamped to my ankles and weighing me down. I waited for an answer and became angry when I did not get one. Now I am seeing that God has been answering my prayers, just not in the way I wanted Him to. I now am realizing that my anxiety had been controlling me and I allowed it to do so. I was blaming God for not instantly taking away my problems. He wanted more from me. I had to fight and claw my way through the disorder and come out a different person before I could see the work He was doing in me the entire time. I needed to rise above and take back the control. God had placed people around to help guide me right to where I needed to be in my healing process. There was so much available to me, but I had shut everyone out and tried to heal myself on my own. Once I let go of trying to force change, doors seemed to open for me and little by little I began to heal. Does it suck to have anxiety? Heck yes it does! But does that mean my life is over and I can never find happiness or peace? Absolutely not! Now, I can finally say that I accept my anxiety. It is part of who I am and it always will be. And guess what!? I am OK  with that. 🙂

I believe the key to experiencing acceptance is to find it within yourself. To love who you are, just as you are. You are perfect 🙂

My Other Battle

I have written extensively about my battle about my anxiety disorder, however, I have written little about my battle with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Anxiety and ADHD are often connected. According to psychcentral.com, “… about 30 to 40 percent of people with ADHD have an anxiety disorder…” It is fascinating to me that these two disorders are so commonly linked together. Perhaps this is why I went into special education. Since the majority of my students legitimately have ADHD, I can help them utilize strategies that have helped me in the past, and, more importantly, I can relate to them.

ADHD is A LOT more fun than anxiety, but for me, it can still be extremely frustrating. I love those moments when I am lost to creativity and so full of energy I could burst. Those days are wonderful. I love being able to laugh without care and go wild. However, I know that when I am on those ADHD highs I am going to loose something, forget what I was doing and in some other way drop the ball with my responsibilities. It can be very challenging to have ADHD and be in a leadership position. I have several people counting on me and I feel awful when I forget about completing a task for someone or I misplaced something they had given me. I don’t do it on purpose, I quite honestly forget. My students are very forgiving, and actually they all buffer me and help me cope. It’s actually pretty fabulous. My students are incredible! And let me tell you that being in a classroom full of students with ADHD is HILARIOUS! It’s a miracle we stay focused long enough to master our content!

ADHD can also be very difficult on my marriage. My husband, as I often brag about, is so supportive and understanding. However, I know there comes a point where he is frustrated with me for not cleaning the kitchen, taking out the trash, doing the laundry or misplacing the car keys. Obviously, I do not blame him for being frustrated, because I am frustrated too. I do not like being perceived as lazy or passive. I truly want to help. I’m not sure how to explain it, but when I walk past the dishes or step over the laundry, I just do not comprehend them. I know there is a need to take care of it, but when it comes to following through, I don’t always make it to that step on my own. I have to be reminded several times. It causes tension between us and I hate that. I want to be the wife he deserves, and not just a big kid he has to take care of (it is my secret fear that one day he will just see me as being a child instead of an adult and treat me accordingly).

However, I am exploring new techniques, with the support of the hubby, to help me track all of my responsibilities at work (one step at a time, the home will come later) so I can be more effective with my time. I bought a calendar to record all my dates and take notes. Yes, I have a phone and I can set alert, but for whatever reason I just hit snooze or ignore! Not helpful. 🙂 So I figure that if I have a different date tracker that was separate from the socialization tracker (my phone) I could become a little better in this area. I will say that yesterday and today I checked several items off my list in my calendar! YAY me!

For the majority of the time, I love having ADHD. I think it enhances my already loud personality and cancels a little of my anxiety out. When I’m nervous, but on an ADHD high, the high normally trumps the nerves. That can be incredibly helpful!

I love that I finally reached the point where I can love and accept myself for who I am, and all the complicated quirks and apparent disorders I possess. It is incredibly freeing to be able to embrace myself instead of being ashamed.