Over the past two weeks, things have been pretty difficult emotionally – anxiety in particular. It’s been all over the map. Things all feel calm and zen, when suddenly, it spikes sky high.
Having dealt with anxiety for so many years, I understand its cycle, and that i have gotten to a place where it will eventually pass. However… I just wish it would never come back. Can’t we cure it? Balance the hormones and serotonin in my brain so I can be a zero out of ten for the rest of my life?
Work seems to be a huge place of anxiety for me right now. Many of my close friends work with me, and there is turmoil within the various relationships – ladies not getting along and boundaries being crossed – and it is making it really difficult. I love my job so much, but tension is so high that I don’t even want to go to work. It sucks! Since I have friendships with the women outside of work , it gets carried into my personal life. It’s a mess! And my anxiety hasn’t been this high in a while. It’s awful.
Luckily, my husband is our assistant principal, so he is a huge anchor for me. He knows about all the drama, and he has been so encouraging to me. Reminds me to focus on the kids, and do my best. God will take care of the rest. I feel so lucky to have him.
I know all of this will eventually work out. Tension will lessen and it will resolve itself somehow. My anxiety will weaken again, and let me rest. I have been working hard to focus on God and turn my thoughts to the positive.
My first week of back to work (aka school!) is under my belt, and I already feel like I have been teaching these kids all year. They are just great! I have a fantastic group of 8th graders this year, and they seem to really click with my style. It is the honeymoon stage, but I’m really looking forward to seeing where this year takes us.
This week, I have struggled with my anxiety again. I am not sure what triggered it, but it was high for a majority of the week. I knew I couldn’t let it take over because I wanted to be present for my students, as well as my daughter. I have limited time with her now that I am back in school, and I want to use every moment to the fullest.
To combat my anxiety, I just pushed through. I tried my best to keep a positive attitude, and when I felt like I was falling apart, I opened up and shared with a friend. I think if is important to have someone you can talk to when you have high anxiety.
I just feel it is imperative that when we feel our anxiety at its worst, we don’t give up. Living with this disease for so long has shown me that the dark days pass. They really do. As long as you fight back. Don’t give up. Don’t let it win. You can experience peace, even if you think you can’t. I never thought I would EVER feel anxiety-free, but I do! Sure I still struggle, but I know it will pass.
It will for you too.
It steals away moments of happiness
And replaces it with gloom.
The sunshine seems so much darker
When anxiety is in the room.
We cannot let it control
And fill our hearts with doom.
We must preserve
Until joy starts to bloom.
It makes life so hard sometimes
But it makes me strong
Today I drove my brother to the airport at Las Vegas, which is a few hours from where I live, and I had zero anxiety! It was such a smooth and relaxing drive, which I really needed since my time as been devoted to caring for my newborn daughter – She stayed at home with daddy. listened to music and sang as loud as I could! It was fantastic!
Two and a half years ago, On a family trip to Vegas, I was unable to get on a bus because it induced a panic attack. It was a really low moment for me because I had never let my family see how bad my anxiety had gotten. However, shortly after the event, I decided to take a huge step and talk to my doctor about what I can do to help. He started medication, Paxil, and it was the best decision I ever made. I have not had a panic attack since that vacation!
So today felt really special since, considering what I had experienced two years earlier, I was able to relax and drive!
Yay for small victories!
This week my anxiety was unusually high due to multiple stresses in my personal and work life. The first being the decision on whether or not I am going to stay on my anxiety medication while pregnant or not. I spent a lot of time ruminating on it, which wasn’t helpful, and as a result I became incredibly anxious for several days. Normally I am able to except the fact that I will struggle with anxiety my entire life, however, this week it has made me incredibly angry. I just wished that I didn’t have to make the decision and I was just “normal” and only had to worry about getting morning sickness. Not spiraling into panic attacks every day.
The other reason why I was anxious was because the standard I was teaching in my 7th grade language arts class was incredibly difficult. My students struggled to learn it, however, when test day came around, they did an excellent job! I had no reason to be anxious on that front! They are a great group! YAY!
This weekend has allowed me a chance to step back from all the stress and just relax. I have been talking a lot with my husband and it feels good to know that he is here to support me – no matter what.
I just need to remember that God is with me and He will take care of me. I need to trust that I will make the right decision and give the rest to Him.
If you are struggling with anxiety, just remember that it is ok. Take some time for yourself to refocus and find relaxation. Eventually it will pass.