My Anxiety Cure

When I get anxious, my chest tightens and there are times when I feel like I can’t breathe. I have discovered that when I am feeling anxious and my beautiful baby girl is cuddled on my chest, all my anxiety disappears. She truly makes me happy to the core. It is such an incredible feeling. 

Allow Happiness In

Letting go of fears and anxieties is incredibly difficult. There are so many logical (and even illogical) reasons to hold on to those feelings, but there comes a point where we have to let them go. To allow happiness to fill you from the inside out. It is ok to be happy. It is ok to enjoy something good that comes your way. You may not think your deserve it, or that it could last, but just remember that you DO deserve happiness! You deserve every ounce of joy and it is ok to soak it up. You don’t have to live your life afraid of anything good that comes your way. That is no way to live your life.

Let happiness in. Bask in the bright parts of life. Don’t let anxiety and fear get in your way. Push past them and remember that you are amazing and you deserve it.

In the Storm

If I am being honest, I am really struggling with things in my life right now. To fill you in on what is going on, when my husband and I first found out we were pregnant, we wanted to move forward with selling our house. We have been looking for awhile, but the pregnancy propelled us forward into putting the conversation into action. We were able to sell our house before it went on the market, and put a bid on another home (that we loved) all within a week. It was incredible, and it was one of the most exciting weeks of our lives.

However, two weeks later, we had our miscarriage. Shortly after that everything with the house we were buying began to fall apart. It turns out that there are three liens against the house, one of them being over 1 million dollars to the IRS. We were shocked and frustrated with this development because we didn’t see it coming. I’m not sure of all the logistics behind it, but the relators were taken by surprise as well. It has been incredibly frustrating and stressful.

Weeks have now gone by and things have gone from bad to worse. We have to move out of our home, either this weekend or early next week, and at this point we don’t have anywhere to go. We have looked at nearly 15 different homes and are struggling on what to do next. Where do we stay? What do we do with our stuff? How can this be fixed? There are so many unknowns and it is a nightmare.

I am beyond disgusted with this entire process and it is far from over. I just want to move on and be past all of this. The most painful part about the entire thing is that we were wanting to get a bigger home in a nice neighborhood for the baby we were having. Now the baby is gone… and so is the house…and we are left homeless.

I am trying so hard to stay positive in the face of all this adversity, but I am really struggling right now. I know God has a plan, but I have to admit that is incredibly difficult to have strong faith in the mist of the storm. I feel that my storm is raging right now and I can only see a faint glimmer of hope in the far distance. I am focusing all my energy on that small light, but I feel like I keep tripping on my way there. I am going to continue to continue to go towards that ray of hope, but it is going to be hard.

It can be hard

Being patient can be difficult. I tend to be terrible at waiting for God’s timing- hints my ADHD- and instead I often rush things along so they can be accomplished at my own speed. However, over the years, this technique has not proved to be helpful. My prayers recently have been asking for patience as my husband and I continue on our baby journey.

My husband and I are in our second month of trying for our baby, but years in planning/discussions. I feel myself wanting to rush forward and be in the second trimester, or even post birth, but I am trying to stay present and appreciate the journey. I have to admit that it has been incredibly difficult. 

Due to my anxiety disorder, There have been so many fears about whether or not i can even get pregnant. I have found that I constantly ruminate on this fear. I even had a dream last night that my uterus was “closed”. Whatever that meant! Ahh!

I am continually working on staying in prayer and remembering that God has a plan. I do not want my anxiety or ADHD to ruin the journey that my husband and I are embarking on. I want to soak in every moment. 

Anxiety got the best of us 

On this special day, anxiety got the best of us. Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary with my incredible husband. It has been more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. To celebrate we are spending a few nights in Las Vegas! 

However, the last several months my husband has had an incredible amount of anxiety and today he had a really hard time whenever we left our hotel room. He had a full panic attack while standing in line for one of the museums we were going to visit. If we hadn’t paid for the tickets already, I don’t think he would have been able to go. I know exactly how he feels because I have been there. I have had panic attacks while standing in line, leading a meeting, teaching class, and while driving the car. The strange thing about all of this is, I have never been on the other side of the situation before. 

It is absolutely horrible to watch my husband deteriorate right before my eyes while I stand by and do nothing. For the last few months, I have tried and tried to carry his burden for him because I don’t want him to be in the place I was a year and a half ago. I feel so heavy and worn out. I honestly feel like someone is pushing down on my shoulders and I am fighting to stay upright. He is going to the dr on Wednesday, so that is good, but I feel completely helpless and lost. 

Overall, there were many moments of anxiety for both of us today, however, it all ended well. I hope tomorrow brings less anxiety but if it comes our way, we will fight back with prayer and positivity. 

Mental Disorders and Societal Expectations

Last week I was incredibly turbulent emotionally, and I am experiencing a little carry over of those emotions this week. I notice that I am continuing my thought patterns and that is not leading to positive thoughts. So to help express and release these thoughts from my mental cycle, I am going to share a particular inner argument that has been plaguing me…

I have been struggling with popularity of the stereotypes that accompany mental disorders. I have noticed that anytime someone is arrested, the news report always includes the fact the person is “mentally ill”. I hate this because slapping that label onto a negative situation automaticlly adds onto the already previlent stereotypes of mental disorders. What the news doesn’t often tell is is that there are millions of people who work hard everyday to overcome those stereotypes and move beyond their disorders.

Why is it that society has to slap on an “mentally ill” label on anyone who defiles the law? It almost seems that the society has already decided that people with mental disorders are corrupt. Bums. Thieves. Murderers. Scum. Do some people who suffer from mental illness do terrible things? Yes. Does that mean that everyone with a mental illness is going to eventually do something terrible? No!

So these have been my thoughts and I have really been struggling with with this the last few weeks. How can we expect to break the stereotypes of mental illness when we continue to connect it with negative connotations? We need to start spreading the word about the truth and showing the positive people that live a full life everyday in spite of their disorder.

Thank you for listening to my rant – I feel better already! 🙂

Feeling off Balance

Over the past few days, I have felt very off kilter. My anxiety has been very high, and my motivation low. I am also finding it very difficult to just relax, because each time I try, I feel guilty. I feel I should be working on something for my classroom or checking assignments. When the guilt begins to intensify, I start to work on grading papers or writing IEPs. However, once I start in on those tasks, I normally do not finish until a few hours later, which continues to cause my anxiety to increase. I feel as if I am caught in an endless cycle this week, and am unable to get out of it.

I know I will eventually be able to break the cycle, and rediscover my joy and contentment. However, right now I am feeling defeated. I feel incredibly defeated by my continual battle with anxiety, and sometimes, I just wish I didn’t have it. I wish feeling at peace wasn’t difficult.

I know God will continue to be by my side as I continue to fight this war, so I am placing my trust in His hands. I will do my part, and not allow negative thoughts to overshadow my positive ones, and I will practice positive self-talk. I will not allow anxiety to control my life and direction in which it is heading. I am in control, and I choose the course!

Thank you for listening to my vent tonight. I know that there are others of you out there who have experienced the same struggles and can relate to my off week. Thank you for continually supporting me as I continually learn how to fight the battle against anxiety.

Seize the Day: Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Each day is a beautiful gift. This is a statement that I did not always understand. In my dark days of anxiety and depression I did not feel that my life was a gift. To me, it felt like more of a burden. However, as I began to see beyond my pain, I was able to recognize the beauty that accompanies each day. If finding the good in each day seems impossible, just start with the small things, such as snuggling into your favorite blanket, watching your favorite movie, or enjoying your favorite food. As you begin flooding your mind with positive thoughts, little by little, you will begin to notice your attitude starting to shift.

Remember, stay strong and the pain will not last forever!

At the Vet

After several weeks of bleeding gums, anti-biotics, and black teeth, my husband and I have finally taken our dog, Tripod, in to get her teeth extracted. We took her in this morning at 8:30, and ever since then I have been a nervous wreck! I love that three legged dog, and I just want her to be healthy and happy. I am hoping this surgery goes well and she will be feeling better soon.

IMG_3156.JPG-1 IMG_3157.JPG

Use your pain for good

I have to keep reminding myself that the pain of my anxiety can be used for good. I have to remember that the 30 years I have been on this earth have given me experiences that I can share with others.

Today, I was reminded during my bible study, that we are to encourage others around us and help them through their struggles. I have been thinking about this today and I realized that I (and those of you with any mental disorder) can truly help another individual who is struggling in this area. Mental disorders are often misunderstood and those with them are ashamed of sharing their problems. However, I must learn to view my anxiety as a blessing that will enable me to better serve those who suffer from anxiety or depression. I don’t want my years of darkness to be wasted. I want to use them to help others.

Is there a pain that you have experienced in your life that you have been able to use in a positive way? Leave a comment and let me know!