Tomorrow I return back to work after an amazing two week Christmas vacation. I loved every moment of the break (except when our entire family came down with the stomach flu, of course). It was wonderful to be able to sleep in and snuggle with my husband and daughter until the late morning. We would then wake up and have brunch and watch television, or listen to music until my daughter was ready for a nap. The best part of the entire vacation was being able to take a nap myself! I took soooo many! It was incredible. For the first time in a year, I finally feel rested!
A part of me is ready to go back to work, because I love teaching, but another part of me is grieving the time I have to give up with my daughter. I will miss being able to see her whenever I want, and hold her when I feel the desire to be snuggled. I can’t exactly do that with my middle school students (that would be frowned upon).
It will be difficult in the morning to drop her off at Grandma’s, but at least I know she is in excellent hands. I will be looking forward to seeing her face when I pick her up after work and she gives me the biggest, most adorable smile! That is what will get me through the day!
It has been way too long since I have been on WordPress! So many things have been going on since my last post! School (work) has started up again and I have hit the ground running! My students this year are great, so far, and I am loving this year. I feel like I am more prepared with my lessons, and since I was so sick last year, while I was pregnant, this year I am feeling so much more energetic! I am really looking forward to seeing what this school year brings.
My daughter is doing really well! If you haven’t read any of my previous posts, my daughter was born in December, at 30 weeks. We spent 50 days in the NICU and we have been home since the end of February. The doctor said that she will not experience any long term effects of her prematurity! YAY! The only thing we are working on right now is trying to bulk her up! She weighs 12 pounds 3 ounces now, which is huge compared to her 2 pounds 14 ounces. She is such an incredible little human being! Last week she started rolling over from her back to her tummy! YAY! I am so proud of her and how she has come over the last few months.
My anxiety has been been under control over the last few months, and I am so thankful. I still have days where it feels so heavy, and uncomfortable, but I am able through it. My husband has also been very supportive whenever my anxiety has shown up. He will remind me how strong I am, and let me know how it will pass.
Well, that is my life in a quick few paragraphs! I am going to try and commit to writing more often, because I totally miss you guys! Blogging is so therapeutic!
Today my anxiety was real. It was intense. Sharp. Constricting. There were several times today when I felt as if I couldn’t breath. As if I was about to fall into an abyss. I haven’t felt anxiety this raw in a long time.
It was triggered by the end of my summer break rapidly coming to an end. I go back to work Friday, and I am dreading leaving my baby. Any time I think about it I feel sick. I have loved being home with her this summer. Cuddling together, and watching the Today Show in the morning. Playtimes in the afternoon, and bedtime snuggles at night. It rips me apart inside to have to go back and no longer have those times with her.
I also love my job. I always look forward to going back, but it is different now. I wasn’t expecting to experience this sadness.
I know God will give me strength to push onward, and it will get better with time, but right now it hurts. Here we are! How can I leave this beautiful face?