Anger is natural, what matters is how you express it.

Today, I had an unexpected, random anxiety meltdown. I feel sorry for my darling husband, because he happened to walk past me as I was flipping out, and he took the brunt of it all.

For whatever reason, I had reached a point where I was frustrated with having fight anxiety. There are times when I wish, as many of you do, that anxiety was not something I had to battle. However, after I got out all of the anger (that snuck up on me) I felt better.

There are times when we will be angry. We will be upset. That is ok. These emotions are a natural part of life. What matters is how we handle these emotions and how we express them. Find a a constructive way to express the emotions and understand that it is ok to feel them. It is part of the journey towards acceptance.

I have come so far!!

How has it been 9 months since my last panic attack AND since I started down my road towards better mental health. It has been an incredible journey filled with challenges and triumphs. I feels fantastic to be back to my self and no longer fear the things I love to do!

If any of are you are thinking that you can never be mentally healthy, but don’t know how to do it, just take the first step and reach out to someone around you. If you have any questions, let me know and I can help give you some ideas on where to start 🙂

Life is Beautiful in when It’s Not

What I have learned this year is that life is beautiful, even with the ups and downs. Everyday is a gift. I know we don’t always see that because…well…that is life. Remember in the times that you do not see the beauty, when you are lost in the darkness, it is only temporary. There is always hope for a brighter day. Never give up hope.

Look Forward. Never Back.

Look Forward.

Never Back.

You cannot change the past.

But the Future is yours!

You are NOT your past.

Change is yours.

Take it and make it our own.

Your life is worth something.

Something Beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Never Look back.

Only look forward.

I broke through my Roadblock!

When my anxiety is running high, I find it very difficult to drive. For whatever reason, I become terrified of the various obstacles that operating a vehicle requires. Traffic seems overwhelming. Stoplights daunting. So I just avoid it all together by having an unspoken agreement during those times that my husband will take the lead.

Last year, when my anxiety was the worst it had been in years, I went months without getting behind the wheel. I remember one time, the mere thought of getting in the drivers seat actually set off a panic attack. That was the start of my realization that something was wrong and I needed to get help. My eyes were beginning to see that I was in over my head.

Fast forward eight months later… For those of you have not read any of my previous postings, I finally went to see my doctor and was given a very low dosage of medication to help curb the side effects of my anxiety. I also began to practice yoga, blog daily, and create a support system of close friends and family. All of these strategies have helped me exponentially over the last several months!

NOW! To the Roadblock!

A group of teachers and I had a training down in Phoenix, Arizona and I decided that I WANTED to drive everyone! I just had it in my head that I wanted to take the leap and take the wheel! I am so glad I went with my gut, because it felt so empowering! The car I drove wasn’t even my own car, yet I still felt compelled to drive. I am not sure if you have ever been to Arizona, but the roads are not flat, or straight, by any means. We had to descend through the mountains by a few thousand feet, so I had to maneuver around curves, up hills and down slopes. The incredible part about this experience is that I never ONCE had an ounce of anxiety. Never Once. I can honestly tell you that I never imagined that I would be able to say that. It was a huge stepping stone in my healing process to be able to confident enough to drive.

I wanted to share this with you guys because I am so excited, and I know you will all appreciate how monumental this was!! 🙂

Hard times can be used for good!

I have touched on this topic in the past, but it has been brought to my attention again, and I believe that it is something that should stay in the forefront of our minds. We all go through hardships in our lives, some more than others. There is nothing we can do to change what has happened in our past, but we can change what happens in the future. After we have finally made it to the other side of our struggles, we are able to reflect upon them and discover that we are stronger. We are also able to support others who are going through the same struggles. No one understands more than someone with first-hand experience.

Since my anxiety manifested itself in my adolescence, I have always prayed for it to be taken away. I always thought there was something wrong with me, and that I was doing something wrong in my life because I continued to struggle with it even though I felt as if I continually prayed for God to take my burden. Over the years I became disheartened and fell further into anxiety. There were times when I had no anxiety and I was so thankful! However, it kept returning and I kept wondering what was wrong with me.

After years of thinking I was doing something wrong, God has finally made it clear to me that it is NOTHING I have done. I am not a bad person. I do not lack faith. It is purely a biological imbalance. I do not want to say that it is a flaw, because I do not believe that God makes mistakes. Do I wish that I didn’t have anxiety? More than anything. However, I am at the point where I am able to see that my anxiety has a purpose. There is a reason why my struggle is anxiety. I think that it is so I can help others who suffer from the same affliction. I have always had the gift of gab, combined with the inability to be embarrassed. These qualities combined allow me to open up to others and share my story. Provide hope for those around me who feel as if they have nothing left.

I am here to tell you now that there is something left. You have so much to give, even if you are flawed. Even if you are afraid. We are all afraid at one time or another. What matters is what we decide to do with that fear. Will we allow it to tear us down and defeat us? Or will we use it to propel us forward and overcome the hardships? What will you choose?

Learning about yourself doesn’t have to be scary!

The other day I wrote a post about the power knowledge has on our healing process, and today I discovered I had to take my own advice. As many of you know, I  started this journey of healing at the end of June, and I have made immense strides in gaining back the power anxiety stole from me.

All those months ago, the doctor confirmed what I always suspected. I have an anxiety disorder. It came as no surprise to me because it is prevalent in my genealogy, and mental disorders tend to be hereditary. I have always known I had this type of disorder, because I have gone to counseling to help with anxiety when I graduated from college, but it was never diagnosed by a doctor.

Since the doctor I have now never 100% confirmed which type of anxiety I have (since he was a gynecologist), I have always speculated it was either GAD or panic disorder. I tend to be anxious a lot and have had panic attacks. However, the more I thought about it, and researched the disorders I felt that I did not wholly identify with GAD. I felt that there was something more that I was missing and I couldn’t quite figure out what.

Completely out of issues relating to my own struggles, I began to read about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Like many others, I had always assumed that OCD was a disorder characterized by excessive cleanliness and rituals. However, while I was reading about it today I happened to stumble upon the intrusive thought obsessions. Pow! It hit me like a ton of bricks (if you pardon my overused idiom). That was it. The missing piece of my anxiety. OCD-UK is an incredible site that lists the various forms of OCD that are not stereotypical of the disorder.

As I read through the signs and symptoms of the intrusive thoughts I felt as if I was reading a page out of my own diary. I felt as if someone was searching the deepest parts of my mind and writing them down without asking me for permission. I have to admit, I started to feel my chest tighten and the familiar feeling of anxiety creep over me. I think it was a knee-jerk reaction to confronting my obsessions in plain, black and white text. Never before had anything struck so close to my core as reading through some of these symptoms.

Since I have started this blog, I have never kept my struggles from you all, because I believe that transparency of these disorders is what will help eliminate the stereotypes we live with everyday. So, I will reveal some of the obessive thoughts I have had in the past.

The  biggest obsession has always about being pregnant. The strange thing about this obsession is that I did not have sex until I was 27 (I wanted to wait for marriage) and these thoughts started LONG before I began my sex life. I knew it was insane, but It kept cycling through my brain in repeat. Everyday. All day.

Another obsessive thought I have experienced is randomly punching someone while they were talking to me. It sounds slightly comical, and I have to admit, if I ever saw it happen in real life, it would be hilarious! However, it was awful because while people were talking to me I would just have the thought to hit them or flip the table over or some other weird aggressive action towards them. The strangest part about these thoughts is that I have NEVER been a violent person. I have never been in a fight, and I have a difficult time recovering from a stubbed toe, let alone a blown out hand from punching someone.

Also, I have had what they call “magical thinking”. I thought that if I talked about getting in a car crash, it would increase the likelihood of me getting into one. Or if I talked about an accident happening, it would be more likely to happen. I avoided talking about these topics because I thought that the mere mention of them would seal my fate. I always thought it was because I hated irony, but I see now that they are obsessive in nature. I remember during my first year of teaching we had a member of the police department come in and talk about what to do if a school shooting was to occur, and for the rest of the day I thought we were going to have one. There are many other obsessive thoughts that were listed, but these were my big three.

After reading and researching more, I do feel a little rattled by this learning, but I am happy to learn a little more about myself. In a few months I will be going to a more specialized dr. and I am going to bring up this area and see what I can learn from them. I want to continue to grow in my knowledge so that I can better myself in the future and finally take the reins on anxiety and be 100% in control! It will not win! I am strong and I can defeat it! 🙂

It is worth the fight

Living with anxiety can be a difficult task. Honestly, there are very dark days when we feel as if the world is falling apart. As if we can never feel tranquility or complete happiness. It can feel like we are in a large scale theater show were we must carry out the actions and say the right lines, yet we have no feeling behind them. We can feel trapped in an endless cycle of fear, panic and obsessions.

However, it does not last forever. Though anxiety cannot be cured, it can be trained. We can learn and transform ourselves into masters of our illness! It takes a lot of hard work but it pays off! The darkness does not have to win. First, we must admit that we have a problem and then we can find a path to follow on the road to wellness!

I never thought I could live happily with anxiety! I never thought I would be at peace with my anxiety. Finally, after 29 years of life, I am able to accept myself for who I am! 100%! Anxiety and all!

You can do the same!

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself!

Do you ever have times when you feel like you are just a hot mess? I do! I feel like my anxiety takes over and I don’t know what is up from down, and my ADHD kicks into high gear and I have word vomit all day long! Not to mention I am running around, jumping, overly excited, all while being nervous at the same time!? What the heck is that all about?! They seem to contradict each other.

I have realized that everyone has a demon they fight behind closed doors. Everyone struggles with something. So why not laugh about it? Making it seem small and insignificant helps with learning how to cope. Clearly our problems are not just jokes, they are real situations and are very painful. But can’t we take time to step outside ourself and view it in a different light?

Try to view your struggles in a different way. Come at them from a different angle. You may be surprise at what you discover.

We don’t have to fight it alone

As I have been reflecting on my anxiety journey, I have realized my healing process would not have been as successful without the love and support of my family and close friends. When dealing with any sickness, mental/emotional/physical, it is vital to surround ourselves with people who can support us when we are feeling weak. When left alone, our minds wonder to dark places and we can retreat into isolation. I speak from experience.

When I first started battling my anxiety, many years ago, I did not understand what was happening to me. I only knew that I did not feel like myself  and I wanted to be as far away from people as I could. I was embarrassed about what I had become, and I did not want them to see me withdrawn and over-shawded by sickness. As I look back now, I realize hiding was the worst thing I could have done. Had I been able to reach out, perhaps I could have saved myself years of worry. I do not regret any of my journey, because it has molded me into the woman I am today, but I wish I would have been strong enough to reach out to those around me.

You may currently be in a situation where you feel  ashamed or embarrassed about what is going on in your life, and you feel that reaching out to others would be the ultimate humiliation. I can personally tell you that I know exactly how you feel. Mental disorders can be a dark and lonely struggle. Even though there really isn’t a cure for mental disorders, it doesn’t have to mean you have to live your life in the shadows. Take the first step towards healing and reach out to someone. There is no shame in admitting you can’t do it alone. There is more strength in seeking help than fighting alone.

It will get better. This is not the end. You are strong. You are a fighter. You will win!