Post Preemie Eye Exam

My baby girl had her follow up eye exam and all is good! Actually, all is great! Her eyes are fully developed and looking fantastic! The doctor even commented on how mature she is, developmentally, for her age! Yay! That lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. 

Tomorrow we will be taking her to her four month developmental check up to make sure she is progressing the way she should. Over the last few months, as we have taken her into her pediatrician, there has been no red flags, so we hope tomorrow will go smoothly.

I do have some pretty high anxiety about the visit, because I’m not sure what to expect. I feel in my heart she is progressing, but I have never had an extensive amount of time with babies, so I only know what I experience with my daughter. 

I am trying to combat the anxiousness with positive self talk and prayer. This morning I woke up with an 8 out of 10, but since then, it has gone down to about a 2. I may have a spike again before the exam tomorrow, but I am doing my best to stay positive and fight against it. 

I will update you all on her progress tomorrow!! Have a great night and DON’T let anxiety win! 

Feeling off Balance

Over the past few days, I have felt very off kilter. My anxiety has been very high, and my motivation low. I am also finding it very difficult to just relax, because each time I try, I feel guilty. I feel I should be working on something for my classroom or checking assignments. When the guilt begins to intensify, I start to work on grading papers or writing IEPs. However, once I start in on those tasks, I normally do not finish until a few hours later, which continues to cause my anxiety to increase. I feel as if I am caught in an endless cycle this week, and am unable to get out of it.

I know I will eventually be able to break the cycle, and rediscover my joy and contentment. However, right now I am feeling defeated. I feel incredibly defeated by my continual battle with anxiety, and sometimes, I just wish I didn’t have it. I wish feeling at peace wasn’t difficult.

I know God will continue to be by my side as I continue to fight this war, so I am placing my trust in His hands. I will do my part, and not allow negative thoughts to overshadow my positive ones, and I will practice positive self-talk. I will not allow anxiety to control my life and direction in which it is heading. I am in control, and I choose the course!

Thank you for listening to my vent tonight. I know that there are others of you out there who have experienced the same struggles and can relate to my off week. Thank you for continually supporting me as I continually learn how to fight the battle against anxiety.

The not so perfect life

Is my life perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination. I have scrapes, scars and baggage that often slows me down. However, I have discovered that love covers all imperfections. God has given me and incredible family and they have been there during my darkest, and most anxious, days. They have watched me fight the battles of my mental disorders, and have never once left my side. I am loved because of my imperfection. Because I am not defined by the blemishes in my life, but by my heart. Anxiety has not defeated me because my heart is full of joy and peace in the face of my trials. 

Purhaps we need to redefine what perfection is? God, and those who truly love us, don’t love us conditionally. They make a decision everyday to continue showering us with love no matter what we do. That sounds pretty perfect to me!

Never take things for granted

Just a few hours ago, my mother-in-law called me and let me know that her sister passed away. It was very sudden and took us a little off guard. She has been battling sickness for a long time, but had been better. However, as heart-breaking as this is, I know that she is happy and in a wonderful place now.

Death has a tendency to quickly put our lives into perspective. It reminds us that life is not endless and we never know when something will happen that will turn our lives upside down. Since I heard the news, I have been thinking about how much I love my family and friends. I have had a beautiful life full of love and hope. Even with all the pain of my struggles with my anxiety disorder, I would never change anything about my life. I want to remember to take time each day to thank God for the life He has blessed me with.

Be an Arrow

In life we will experience difficulties and hardships. It will not be easy, by any stretch of the imagination. As many of you know, I have wrestled with an anxiety disorder my entire life and have had my fair share of ups and downs as a result. I use to pray everyday, multiple times a day, for God to take it from me. To give me any other affliction except anxiety. However, He saw a bigger plan. I now see that my anxiety allows me to help others who are experiencing the same pains as I do. I can relate and help them feel less alone. Less afraid.

I came across a beautiful quote that compared life to an arrow. It talked about how an arrow can only shoot if it is pulled back. And in the process of being pulled back it prepares to be launched forward. This is a perfect example of our lives. We have to remember that “being pulled back” or the downs in our life, doesn’t mean that our life it is over. It only means that we are about to be launched into an amazing future!

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Look Forward. Never Back.

Look Forward.

Never Back.

You cannot change the past.

But the Future is yours!

You are NOT your past.

Change is yours.

Take it and make it our own.

Your life is worth something.

Something Beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Never Look back.

Only look forward.

Coming to Terms

I believe that coming to terms with ourselves takes time. It may take an entire lifetime, but it something we must strive for or else we cannot grow in love. It has taken me years to come to terms with my anxiety disorder. Years to love myself, just as I am. If we cannot love ourselves, how can we expect to love others? We cannot.

Each day is a learning experience and I strive to make the most of each precious moment. In the past, I have prayed over, and over, for God to take my anxiety. To lift the burden from my shoulders and let me just be “normal”. For years I was angry with Him because anxiety continued to haunt me. I felt as if my faith was not strong enough. That I wasn’t praying correctly. Or, perhaps, I was doing something wrong. I constantly stayed in prayer in hopes that he would take away the thorn in my side. However, He had something different in mind for me. Something bigger than myself. He showed me that my anxiety is not a burden.

I am now seeing that my anxiety is part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with my faith, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t love God. My prayers have shifted in focus over the years and I now ask to see how I can use anxiety to help others instead of asking for it to be take away. I never imagined that my disorder would be helping those around me. I never thought it could be a positive thing! Now that my perspective has shifted, I can now see it as a blessing. It is part of who I am and I can finally accept that.

Whatever your burden is, see if there is a lighter perspective. Is there a way it can be used to the benefit of others?