It is difficult to prune relationships. However, it is vital that you surround yourself with people who build you up and push you towards your dreams. It is easy to get stuck with a friend who sucks all your energy and leaves you feeling empty and frustrated. To be our healthiest selves, we must prune away those relationships and allow only positive ones to grow.
This may be difficult, but in the end you will blossom!
What is a hardship you have gone through, and how have you grown from it?
image from http://www.ampsinc.net
This afternoon, my marvelous husband and I took a quad ride into the desert behind our house. Normally, we take our bigger utility quad and ride together, however, today we decided we would each ride our own. I don’t often drive mine because it has been low on gas, but we put some in today because I was itching to drive!
As we drove out into the vast openness of the valleys, I took in the grace and beauty of nature. There is just something about riding out into untamed country while on a quad that just opens my eyes to the beauty of it all. I felt like I was apart of nature. I was rolling and twisting with the dirt path. The wind tugged at my cheeks and my heart soared as I jumped over crevasses left behind from the rain.
I remember about a year ago I was riding out with my family and began to notice that I carried a lot of anxiety on my chest. I noticed that the world around me was so peaceful and beautiful, however, my chest was tight and I felt as if the true grace that surrounded me couldn’t penetrate my soul. It was the first time I started to realize that my anxiety was bigger than I thought. I was not only occasionally having anxiety, I was carrying it with me at all times. I was starting to accept that something was not normal. It was a huge step.
As I rode today, I reflected on that incident and felt so proud of how far I had come in the last several months. I can assure you that I never thought I would feel relaxed to the core. I always thought I would have weight pushing down on my chest. I always thought I would live on the edge of panic. I am here to tell you that you DO NOT have to live that way! There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Does this mean that I will never experience anxiety? No! I have episodes to this day. However, it no longer controls me. I control it!
I have really struggled with coming to terms with my past encounters with anxiety, and I have discussed the details at lengths in my previous posts. However, the idea of growing stronger due to hardships has been brought to my attention once again. It is a lesson we can always learn.
Remember, when you are in a dark place, you are growing. You are being groomed for something. You experiences in the dark are going to lead you to an amazing future. Joel Osteen explained it beautifully. He said that a seed cannot grow unless it is planted into the darkness of the soil. In our times of suffering, we are the seed growing into a beautiful flower.
Remember, you are a flower! Stay strong!
Just a week or so ago, I wrote a post about discovering self acceptance with my ADHD and anxiety. I believe it would have good for me to go back and reread my own writing and take my own advice. I was furious with myself on Sunday because of my inattentiveness I tend to overlook small details, such as booking the correct dates on Expedia for a family vacation. My husband and I have not been on many vacations since he has been working on his Masters degree, and we have finally found a weekend that we could get away and not worry about work or a homework assignment that needed to be completed. However, I did not double check the dates before I purchased our hotel room and ended up booking the wrong dates! Of course we had purchased the non-refundable package! I was so angry and frustrated with myself that I was beyond words and spent most of the evening pouting about how horrible it is to be me. However, we did some calling around and were able to switch the dates, with no extra cost, so I am eternally grateful to Expedia. I ended up wasting a perfectly beautiful evening because of my tantrum and pity party. What a waste of energy.
I know this was really not a big deal looking back, but in the moment I was devastated. In the moment, I wished I didn’t have ADHD and that I could just be able to concentrate long enough to book a hotel room. Once I was able to figure out a plan to resolve the issue, and it was put into action, I felt much better about myself and was able to get back to a place where I loved my attention deficit again. I really have to learn to be more gracious with myself and remember I am not perfect. I will slip up, and there will be times where I mess up something. Guess What? It’s ok! The world didn’t end, and I will have gained a new understanding of how I operate as a woman.
Accepting my anxiety is also an everyday process. Just this morning I was upset by the fact that I am not yet strong enough to be independent from the daily dose of my medication. I hate that I rely on a little white pill to be balanced and un-anxious through the course of my day. I wish I could brush off anxiety and stress on my own, like everyone else. I desire nothing more than being able to move on after confrontation without another thought about it. However, that is not how it works for me. I cannot will my anxiety away. I cannot will the chemicals in my brain to suddenly correctly themselves. This is who I am and this is the way my God and Creator made me. I must remind myself in my low moments that my anxiety is grooming me for a greater plan. Something that I know nothing about, and may never know about, but there is a reason I have been chosen to carry this disorder, beyond just family genetics. I may be aggravated that this is a burden I must carry, but I CANNOT let it weigh me down. I must find the good and use it to drive away the darkness.
We all have parts of ourselves that we wish we no longer had, but remember that there is nothing about you that is wasteful. Everything about you is perfect! Everything. You are perfect and wonderful just as you are.
The past few weeks have been very busy and stressful at work (outside of working with my students, which is the best part of the job). Last week was particularly stressful because I had so many items on the to-do list and not enough time to complete them (isn’t that everyone’s struggle?) Now, this week I have been able to reflect on the previous week and realize that even though I was in the middle of high stress, I was almost anxiety free! I honestly did not think that I would be able to have stress without anxiety. Just a few months ago I was anxious about going to the store, and I couldn’t even fathom running around a school and leading meetings. It is so freeing to no longer be tied down by the weight of my fears and rationalizations that accompany the disorder.
Healing is possible! 🙂
The Persistent Platypus 