Pleasant Surprise

My husband is not known for doing the unexpected. He has a routine, and pretty much sticks to it. I appreciate that about him because I like the stability. But today he did something adorably unexpected. He set up a tent in our living room! It was so sweet! He wanted to have a little camp out inside (since I’m not really an outdoor girl) and I loved it! I love that he knows just how to make me smile! ❤️

Happy Valentine’s Day, Anxiety! 

The dreaded anxiety did not follow me around too much today, which is an incredible Valentine’s Day gift! 

This week has been very rough, anxiety wise. I was sitting between 8-10 on my measuring scale, which is incredibly uncomfortable. I had intense mood swings, and burst into tears for no reason. It was pretty rough. 

There is no way I could have made it through this week without the support of my husband. He was loving and kind, even though I was ridiculously moody. I feel incredibly blessed! 

I hope you all had a good week, and if you had a week like me, I hope you had someone to help you. 

I just want to brag a little

I want to brag a little about my wonderful my husband! This past week we have spent every moment together (literally, since we have been on Spring Break) and it has been fantastic! For the last several months, our lives have been hectic and chaotic and the last thing that always seemed to be attended to was our relationship. It just seemed like everything else got in the way. However, this week we have made it a point to do nothing else but bonding! We have crafted together, watched hours of Netflix together, cooked together, and laughed hysterically together! I am finding myself falling deeper in love and and feeling like a teenager lost in romance! It has been a fantastic week! 

Time to Relax!

Over the last few weeks I have had an intense amount stress at work because I have been stretching myself too thin. Today, we didn’t have work to Honor Veteran’s Day, so I am drawing boundaries and I am not going to work on any schoolwork. I am going to let go of my stress and just relax! Right now I am snuggled beneath my blankets with my husband and puppies, and it is wonderful! It feels great!

I am loving my day off!

Love isn’t meant to be easy. Only things that challenge us make us grow. Love is no exception.

I believe a common misconception in this day and age, is that love is a feeling, and once you have that feeling the world will be butterflies and rainbows forever. That loves means we will never have to put forth any effort to continue the passion with our partner. Now, I do not claim to be an expert by any means. I have only been married for 20 months. I am still growing and learning about true and honest love. However, I believe that marriage can be compared to the waves in the ocean. There are wonderful times where both parties feel connected and satisfied, and there are times where there is conflict and tension that leads to a disconnect. These times of conflict does not reflect an unhealthy marriage. In fact, I believe these times are a sign of a healthy one, as long as both spouses work through it as a team.

Over these past 20 months, I have learned a lot about myself and what I thought love was. I said I understood love was difficult, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and carefree all the time. However, when my husband, whom I adore, and I reached difficult times where we struggled to stay connected, the full weight of “it’s not going to be easy” struck me. We have found our most difficult times are when we are lost in our daily routines. Those times when we go through the motions of our day and neglect to get outside of our comfort zones to show each other how much we truly care.

These times of tension and discomfort, are the times when my husband and I grow the most. To get beyond the friction, we are forced to examine ourselves and discover areas where we can improve upon that will allow us to become a better partner. Often times I compare these trials to a rock being polished. For the rock to become smooth and desirable, it must undergo pressure and refinement. That is exactly true for a marriage. If a couple was to stay stagnant, and be without tension or conflict, then they could never grow stronger. Again, this could be comparable to muscles. The only way for muscles to become stronger is to push, stretch and lift them until they bulk up. A marriage without strengthening will crumble when difficulties arise. I do not want to be one of those who crumble.

Marriage is a beautiful design for two people to merge their lives into one. It is not easy, but once we reach the other side of tension and find ourselves back into an easy flow, we all become stronger and closer.

I love corny poems

Through my window I see the moon is really bright,

I suppose that is because it is the middle of the night.

The snores of my dogs resound in my ears,

And my husband’s arms keep away my fears.

My lids grow heavy and its hard to stay awake,

So it is off to dreamland until dawn will break.

Why Can’t We Talk About Mental Disorders?

I want to go on a small tangent for a few hundred words, so please bear with me 🙂

If you have read a few of my earlier posts, or my bio, I have talked about my struggle with anxiety. It is something that has been apart of my life since I was young. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what was wrong, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. When I was in college I finally realized what it was, and I will admit that I felt relieved, or even happy, to be able to put a name with what was happening to me.

My internal struggles did not end with a diagnosis. I continued to try and keep my affliction private because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I had (and still have) wonderfully supportive parents, but it was new territory for them so they weren’t always sure what to do. Whenever this would happen, I would end up getting HUGE hug, which looking back on is hilarious and amazing all at the same time! I have had close to a million hugs over the years 🙂 Thank mom and dad! I love you! 

There were not many people who knew about the internal battle that was waging inside of me everyday. My ex-boyfriend, of seven years, was obviously one of the individuals who knew about what was happening. However, he was not entirely supportive. Let me be clear here, he was not a bad person, he just did not understand anxiety. It is very difficult for someone to understand the pain and embarrassment of fighting anxiety unless they have been directly affected, either through a family member or themselves. He would become frustrated with me when I would have bad days. He did not understand why I couldn’t stop “worrying” or “get over something”. For someone with an anxiety disorder, there is nothing more painful than hearing “just stop worrying about it” or “just get over it and move on”. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if anxious people (myself included) could just say “Hmmm I’m going to stop having anxiety and move on!” Show me that world and I would LOVE to visit  🙂 People with an anxiety disorder cannot just get over it. Anxiety is not a switch that can be turned off by sheer willpower. It is a disorder that takes time to understand and practice to control. 

Needless to say, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up shortly after I moved to Arizona. I have no feelings of discontent towards him, he did the best he could with what he knew. There were dark days when he was there for me, and I fully appreciate that and am grateful to have had him there. After we broke up he called me one day and apologized to me for not understanding my struggle. I will always treasure those words and I am eternally grateful that he expressed them to me. 

When I moved to Arizona, I knew no one, had no connections and had to start my life over from scratch. I had such an amazing adventure! I met so many new people and traveled to places I never knew existed. I ended up meeting an amazing man, who understood my struggle with anxiety and he ended up being who I ran to during my hardest days. He would talk me through the anxiety and help me to focus on other things so I could keep my head above the water and not feel like I was drowning. He knew just what to say and he made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. Four months later, I ended up marrying him! (I know, crazy right? Quick!) (WARNING: Corny gushing will be present for the next few sentences.) My husband is a treasure I can hardly believe I found. Without his guidance and encouragement, I don’t think I would have been able to fight my anxiety head on. I would still be afraid of it and living in denial. He taught me that it is ok to live with anxiety. It is ok that I am afraid. He also taught me to try and be bigger than my anxiety. He often tells me “You are in control, not the anxiety.” Recently I have had terrible struggles with this disorder because of a birth control pill I took that sent my anxiety into hyper-drive. I didn’t realize what was going on because I was so lost in my own fear. As I have gotten back on track, he has held my hand every step of the way and encouraged me, in his own ways, to work to fight back. He often coerced me to leave the house when I didn’t want to (I think I needed a little coercing at that point) and he always listened when I needed to vent. On my roughest days, he encouraged me to go to God in prayer. There is no way I would have been able to come so far in my healing without him by my side. 

Anyway! Enough with the googly stuff!

Now that I am a few months away from being 30 (ahhhh) I am finally completely understanding what is going on. I have learned so much over the years and I am so glad for the support system that I have in place now. I no longer am ashamed of having an anxiety disorder. It’s not my fault. I am not weak. I am not lacking in faith. I am the opposite of these things. A Mental Illness is no different than any other physical illness other than the fact that it is in the brain. It is as simple as that. I lived for years in fear of what others would think, and even what I would think of myself if I admitted I had a it. Now I feel empowered by knowledge and understanding. 

We should never be ashamed. We are strong!