Tomorrow I will be going back after being on maternity leave for 4 months. If you are new to my blog, my daughter was born 10 weeks premature, and spent 50 days in the NICU. She is healthy and wonderful! We have been so blessed through the entire experience. It is the best case scenario that came out of a terrible situation.
So now, after four months, I am heading back! I am a middle school gifted teacher and I have really been missing my kiddos and being able to be creative in my classroom. I love being a teacher, and i love my job. It will be nice to be back.
However, I am still expreicing some anxiety and guilt about going back. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way before my daughter was born. But now that she is here, I want to hold her in my arms every moment of the day. She will be staying at her grandmother’s house, who runs a private daycare out of her home, so that is incredible. I know my daughter will be in wonderful hands. It doesn’t take away all of the sting though.
Tomorrow will be hard, but I will be able to get through it with God’s strength. I will not let my anxiety or guilt take over. I know my baby is safe, and she will be happy with her grandma. 🙂 But keep me in your prayers anyway! LOL
I often write about the positive changes and healing that has taken place in my life over the past few months, but tonight I want to talk about a true struggle with my anxiety I experienced today. My anxiety medication prescription (I still have a difficult time admitting to taking these, but I thank you all for being so supportive about it) had run out and I had forgotten to pick it up last night. I figured I could pick it up before school started but when I got to the pharmacy their IT system was down and they were unable to fill prescriptions until it was fixed. With tears of frustration in my eyes, I drove to work and tried to keep positive mindset. What was interesting was that I did not have anxiety, yet I was anticipating that I would get it later in the day and be unable to function. Typical of someone with anxiety to be freaked out about being freaked out later!
I worked so hard to keep a positive mindset and tell myself it would be ok. I could function just fine without the medication. I have no doubt that I would have been alright if I did not take it today, however, I had a very stressful and tension-filled meeting after work and I was already worked up about that, so I was anticipating the effects of not taking the medication. A few hours into the day One of my fellow teachers knew what was going on and watched my class for me while I ran back to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I was so thankful. I have such amazing co-workers! The day turned out fine, which I’m sure it would have regardless of the pill, and the meeting was actually very smooth (shocking!)
The hardest part of the day was my own anger towards myself about having anxiety. I cannot even express how much I loathe having this disorder. I hate that I have bad days where I’m nervous about everything. It’s awful to know how ridiculous it is to worry about something, yet be unable to not worry. Grudgingly, I am going to deal with it for the rest of my life.
Now after that ranting paragraph, I am working towards finding peace in the fact that I suffer from this. I need to actually change my verbs around. I am blessed to have this disorder. That may sound sound insane, but I truly believe I can use my anxiety to bless others. I may not how that is accomplished but somehow, somewhere, someone can be blessed through my suffering. That is the place I would like to find myself in When I have dark days. I hope that one day I want be defeated by anxiety. I hope to be strengthened.